Ena interviews her friends
My Friend, The Buddhist Sadist
An interview with Marco (35)—not your average smiley Buddhist
Marco is a dear friend who has taught me many things—about myself and about life in general. I like to cheekily refer to him as the Buddhist Sadist, because, not only is it kind of funny since the two terms appear to be at obvious odds with one another, but as someone inhabiting a few seemingly conflicting characteristics of my own, I find comfort in knowing others who aren’t easily pinned down.
A highly empathetic social worker, who can be found chanting mantras in his shower while preparing to passionately torture a lover into states of ecstasy, Marco certainly doesn’t fit into a clearly defined box. In fact, he hates boxes almost as much as he hates the labels we place on them.
You’re a kinkster and BDSM practitioner with clear sadistic leanings. You’re also a strict vegan and daily practicing Buddhist, who wouldn't kill a fly. How does all of this fit together?
You’re using three different labels loaded with preconceptions, and neither fully describe me, starting with kinkster.
The word kinky has gained so much popularity, that nowadays, everyone's kinky if they’ve slapped someone’s ass. I’m just a dirty person, I guess…
The word sadist doesn’t perfectly describe me either. First, my sadistic tendencies are strictly sexual. This is an important distinction, as real pathological sadists take pleasure in inflicting actual harm.
I also don’t go to the lengths that many sexual sadists do. Sadism is just a trait that overlaps with who I am.
I recently started using the label primal, which I find more fitting. I’m a very sexual being in general, and I relate to the idea of connecting to, what some people would call our animal side. I call this the core of our being.
Is primal the same as being feral?
Feral is one mode of acting out our primal sides; it’s when we drop all boundaries and filters. This is a state that comes easy to me, and one that I enjoy embodying, not just in a sexual way, but as a whole being.
There’s no other way of connecting to another person more powerful than through a deep and unfiltered sexual connection. In these situations, I want to be able to drop it all and be raw and direct—physically, emotionally and sexually.
First and foremost, being primal is about interacting on a pure and uninhibited level.
When I think of primal, I imagine two lions or wolves in heat. But, primal can also be soft?
Yes, exactly!
Buddhism is yet another misunderstood concept. Many equate Buddhism to calm, gentle monks who nod their heads and smile; the smiley Buddhist stereotype. It’s true to a degree but it’s not all there is to it. Buddhism has many faces.
Our societies in the western hemisphere are not built to accommodate Monk-culture anyway. This approach, called Hinayana, or the basic vehicle, is based on self-discipline and is one of many paths—but it’s not mine.
But still, as someone who wouldn't pick up a fly-beater, how do you justify beating a lover with a wooden paddle (or a garden hose…)?
There’s a difference between hurting and harming someone since the motivation and the outcome are completely different. The goal is to give pain for the sake of pleasure. To me, inflicting pain in a sexual context is like pulling strings.
Just like an instrument, you can play with a person’s body to compose something profoundly pleasurable. Similar to a sonata’s movements, you add different parts; the basslines or darker undertones, and the high notes, the stretched out parts and the sharp pitches. All of these elements come together to form the main theme.
Sex is similar to me, and pain is just one of many parts of the symphony. Sometimes that pain can even be pretty rough though. I’ve seen all kinds of emotions come up, from shock to laughter, and from disbelief to all-out horror—it’s all there—but these can be turned around into something that has the potential to summit to ecstasy.
How do you know how to read someone in this state? If someone, as you mentioned, is experiencing absolute terror, how do you know that you’re not going too far?
There’s no recipe for that, that’s why you have yo have a high level of trust when you go there with someone. Trust is the very basic requirement.
It’s imperative that I know that the person I’m with has a high degree of sovereignty and self-awareness. I need to know that they’ll draw boundaries and are willing to say stop if it gets too much.
From the outside, a scenario like this might look like only one side is active and the other is passive; like someone is doing something to the other. But truly, it’s a dynamic where one side is pulling and the other is pushing, creating an asymmetry.
There’s more obvious activity on one end, but as the active part, you feel this pull from the other side.
I’ve had experiences of feeling sucked into it, where I had to hit the breaks because I wasn’t sure anymore. If I ever feel worried that the person wouldn’t say no, or that we’re nearing the point of going too far, I stop.
Have you ever experienced any really traumatic experiences where you went too far?
No, luckily, I’ve never had that happen.
Exercising sexual sadism in a healthy and safe way requires a high level of empathy, and you need particularly sensitive antennae to tune into your partner. Because there is the danger of harm, you have to add that to the scale.
Do you like pain yourself?
Sometimes I do but in a different context. I find certain degrees of pain arousing, in a way where it riles me up. This is where my primal side shows up; you scratch and claw at me, and I claw right back.
I’m not a masochist though, and I prefer being the one inflicting the pain—I find it interesting and arousing to experience another person’s perception of the pain.
The first time we met, close to two years ago, you told me something that stuck with me: You said that ‘in the last few years, you’ve had your most profound experiences in the company of women’.
I’ve later learned that most of your friends are women. Why don’t you have any ‘dude’ friends?
Besides being part of my biography, and how I was brought up, surrounded predominately by women, it’s also an informed decision.
I believe that men nowadays are in a crisis: As traditional male gender roles become obsolete, many have not found their new roles yet, which leads to a lot of toxic behavior. I have trouble with that.
As most women I know have been harmed by this in some way, I try, as consciously as I can, to remove myself from the equation.
Most dude-behavior and interests also bore me. Soccer, beer, and bbq, for example, are three things I’m not into at all and the stereotypically loud, chest-pounding behavior found in macho-culture is very unattractive to me.
While there are no official statistics to support my claim, I find that there are far less shitty women than there are shitty men. I welcome anyone to challenge me on that.
I’m not saying that there aren’t any good men—I know a few, but I find women, in general, more enjoyable and inspiring to be around.
Inspiration is everything to me—in the broadest sense. Not just in the way where ‘I’m inspired to paint a picture’. I’m more inspired to become; to move on, make the next step. I’m inspired to change, grow and develop.
As social animals, humans do that best in the company of other humans, and I’ve found that I connect well with women in general.
When in an intense sexual relationship, you set it all ablaze, in a big fire of inspiration, where everything moves faster. When this happens, I can go through developmental phases that would otherwise have taken years, in a matter of weeks. Everything feels heightened, enhanced and accelerated.
I believe sexuality is one of the most powerful forces at our disposal, and when unleashed it’s also the most creative force. There are some women who embody this force. Whenever I meet someone who does, and we click, it’s inspiring to me.
Is there a healing aspect to sexuality?
That depends on how you define healing. If you view healing as something internal rather than something from the outside, like a band-aid being put on a wound, then yes.
If through internal development, things start to align in a way where it suddenly works, that’s a form of healing.
If you put anything into the fire of sex, there can be healing—if it’s done right. Sex holds the highest potential, and you can make anything from that.
Unlike other religions, Buddhism doesn’t bother with with making sex a political issue. In your branch of Buddhism, called Vajrayana, or Tantric Buddhism, sex can even be part of the path to enlightenment. How does this work?
Well, we say ‘everything as the path’. While I wouldn’t say that sex is ‘the’ path, it can be part of it.
The tantric approach is different in that it doesn’t reject anything, and you train to see all phenomena as an expression of their already enlightened essence. This approach doesn’t seek to transform something impure, but to develop a pure view of something as they truly are.
This is referred to as skillful means: You use everything at your disposal to achieve the goal; to become enlightened. Sex, as the powerful force it is, is part of it, as are all of our experiences.
The parts of Tantric Buddhism that involve sexual practices belong to the highest yoga tantra class. These are secret teachings and not something you’ll find in your local bookstore. These advanced practices can take years to master.
Where does one find these very secret teachings? Is this what you learn at your temple?
[Ha ha!] No, these teachings are traditionally passed down verbally, from teacher to student.
First, you need a strong foundation to prepare the mind; solid trust in the teachings, a strong karmic force amassed and a clear view of emptiness developed through meditation and purification—and most importantly, you must be grounded in the vastly benevolent motivation to aid all beings to ultimately be free. The combination of the latter two aspects we call Bodhicitta; the mind of awakening.
The rest will be passed down to you when you’re ready for it.
