Early warning signs of a dangerous partner
Before you invest in that new love interest, pay attention to the red flags…
by: E.B. Johnson
Is your new partner or love interest a dangerous person? It’s important to be honest about the signs you spot — even if that sign happens to be over-the-top charm. Abusive and manipulative people can make us swoon and sneak right into the heart of our lives, but letting them in is a dangerous mistake. Before you find your life, your happiness, and your wellbeing ruined, be brutally honest with yourself. Are you about to invest in a dangerous person? You can’t change them. You’ve got to take action to protect yourself before it’s too late.
Early warning signs of a dangerous partner.
There are always early warning signs of the dangerous partner. For some, it’s their desperate attempts to isolate us from friends and family. For others, their risky behaviors and attentions toward others tells us all we need to know. Don’t ignore important red flags like a first year that’s filled with volatile arguments, splits, and more. Honesty is the only way to prevent ultimate regret.
Social isolation
Does your partner go out of their way to isolate you from your family and friends? This is a classic tactic of dangerous and abusive partners. Because they seek to control you entirely, they do what they can to create a conflict between you and anyone who may help you escape their clutches. Family, friends, parents — they all have to go. And the abuser will pour poison into your ear until you rid yourself of them willingly.
Risky behaviors
Are you dating someone with a history or penchant for risky behavior? Maybe they hang around in rough crowd with a terrible reputation for violence and chaos. Perhaps they’re into pastimes and hobbies that other people would consider outside of the “norm”. It’s important to be aware of the behavior of our partners. Risky behaviors and connections can escalate in ways that can turn our lives upside down.
Controlling demands
Controlling or demanding partners are always an automatic red flag. Whether they are controlling and domineering with you, or with their family and friends — it doesn’t matter. Someone who wants to control you is someone who doesn’t prioritize your needs. Instead, they care more about what they want, and they’re willing to drive your life into misery if that’s what suits.
Rough year one
Are you and your partner having a really rough first year? Is your relationship already marred by constant breakups and bickering? Do you have borderline aggressive arguments? Do you get in each other’s faces? Has your partner threatened you? Stats show that a tumultuous first year can leave you in a vulnerable position with a partner who may be abusive or otherwise dangerous.
Checking up
A lot of young couples make the toxic mistake of checking up on one another constantly as a means of staying “in love” and connected. These mate retention behaviors, however, can actually signal a dangerous connection in the making. When they are constantly calling and texting, showing up unexpectedly, and demanding your physical presence 24/7 — it shows an insecure partner who is desperate to control your whereabouts.
Any form of abuse
Whether you want to hear it or not, any form of abuse is always a sign of a dangerous partner. That’s because abuse escalates. Whether they are physically abusing you, emotionally abusing you, mentally or financially abusing you, it all comes down to the same thing. You’re dealing with someone who cares more about themselves than you. And they prove that every day by choosing to hurt you to suit their own needs.
Sly secrets
Does your partner hide things from you? Do they move behind your back and keep secrets from you, even when they’re small? It’s important to be conscientious about this type of behavior. Little secrets can spin into big secrets and even bigger lies. A partner who will hide great deals of their lives from you can find themselves desperate to keep the illusion alive; which makes them dangerous to you and your wellbeing.
Possessive presence
Possessive behavior is toxic, and it should never be misunderstood as loving or passionate behavior. A possessive adult does not differ from a possessive child. There’s no love in the act. Someone who wants to possess you wants to control you for their own comfort and gain. You hardly figure into it. As a matter of fact, possessive behavior shows a partner who is objectifying you.
Tortured socials
What are your partner’s or spouse’s social circles like? Are they surrounded by people who love and respect them? Do they return that love and respect? Maybe their friendships look a little different. If they like making other people suffer, sound the alarms. Look at their social circles. If their “friends” are all subjected beneath them — or they hurt people, manipulate them, abuse them, dismiss them, or easily dispose of them — you need to reconsider.
Emotional manipulation
Emotionally manipulative people are always dangerous and sometimes hard to spot. Intentionally covert, these individuals usually work slowly by working at our emotions, doubts, and insecurities. Does your partner threaten you emotionally to get what they want from you? Maybe they threaten to break up with you or cheat on you. Maybe they threaten the kids. If fear, sadness, anger, or doubt is being used against you…you’ve got a dangerous partner.
Too good to be true
Dangerous people don’t always behave badly. At least, not at first. For many a dangerous or toxic partner, it’s all about the long game. Rather than revealing their destructive behavior up front, they try to mask it in a coat of overwhelming charm. Is your partner too good to be true? Do they try too hard to charm you, sweep you off your feet, or appear “perfect”? Be careful. They could be trying to lull you into a false sense of comfort.
What you have to do next.
If you’ve realized that your new partner or spouse is dangerous, then you need to take steps to protect yourself. There’s no time to waste. You can’t afford to ignore the truth you’re waking up to. Be honest with yourself, then open up to others who can help you maneuver what comes next. Slowly get some space for yourself, then make plans and look to the future. Getting to a safe place requires closing one door so a new one can open for you.
1. Be honest with yourself
You will not correct your situation until you accept what’s going on. You’ve got to take off those rose-tinted glasses and see the other person for who they are. It’s the only first step you can take if you’re committed to getting it right. Even if it hurts — even if it devastates every aspect of your life — you have to admit what your relationship and how dangerous your partner is. From there, you can get on a journey to healing and freeing yourself from their clutches.
Be brutally honest with yourself (before they have a chance to get brutal with you). Are they isolating you? Are they driving you away from happiness? Does their behavior or reactions leave you feeling scared or uncertain of their true intentions? Admit to the red flags in front of you.
Writing things out can be invaluable in this first phase. Any time you have a shaky moment with your partner or spouse (or you witness them having a shaky moment with someone else) — make a note of it. Describe their behavior, then describe how it made you feel. Keep it short and descriptive, then date it. Every couple of weeks, return to your journaling. What patterns are you beginning to recognize? Is there escalation? You’ve got to be honest with yourself before you can do anything about it.
2. Talk to someone in the know
Dealing with dangerous or abusive situations is not something we should do alone. It’s really important that we get the help and insight of people who can help us free ourselves into happier, more stable lives (and relationships). Generally, that starts by opening up to people close to us we can trust. We should make it our mission too, though, to connect with someone who has a bit more perspective. Freeing ourselves from a dangerous person is a team event, and we have to build the right team around ourselves to defeat them.
Reach out to someone you trust for help. Ultimately, you should seek the help of a mental health or relationships professional. But if you aren’t there yet — then open up to someone you can trust. Try to avoid anyone who may be close to your partner. Keep it to someone with a bit of perspective and no loyalty to the dangerous or manipulative person in your life.
Share your experience and your doubts, as well as what is going on in your relationship. Allow them to encourage you and listen to any relevant advice they may give. When you’re ready, get to someone who can help you make a more practical plan. When we share our burdens with others, it helps us to clarify our perspective and see things in a clearer light. This is all a part of rebuilding our self-esteem and the belief that we can (and have the right to) break ourselves free of a dangerous or abusive person.
3. Give yourself some space
Realizing we’ve fallen for a dangerous person can be difficult. We start to doubt ourselves and our ability to find the right partner. The hurt and the sadness turns to resentment. There are a lot of complex emotions that get stirred up, and it can be hard to make sense of things both for ourselves and our relationships. That’s why it’s important to get some space. Both so you can process and begin the journey of pulling away from this toxic and dangerous person.
Give yourself some space, little-by-little. You don’t have to rush home and demand a divorce or an end to things. As a matter of fact, that may not be a safe position to put yourself in. Try to cool things off slowly, especially if you aren’t sharing a home with them (or you aren’t in a committed relationship). Call a little less. Text a little less. Stop showing up for group dates.
The same applies in a different way to a more established relationship. If you’re starting to get a bad feeling, make a little more space for yourself. Enroll in a class to get out of the house and keep your social connections active. Get yourself in counseling, go spend time with relatives. Do what you need to do so that you can get enough room to clear your head and process your thoughts. You need to consider how you want to move forward and what steps come next.
4. Make a plan to cut ties
Whether or not you want to hear it, the only safe way to deal with a dangerous or toxic person is to remove them from your life completely. This can be a very delicate process all on its own. You need to make a safety plan and enlist people to help you carry it out (depending on the severity of your situation). When you’re ready, you can extract yourself from the situation and get yourself somewhere safer and more stable physically, mentally, and emotionally.
If the special person in your life is dangerous to you and others, you need to make a plan to cut ties with them. Unless you’re satisfied to make yourself and your loved ones potential victims, you’ve got to get this person out of your intimate circles where they can do the most damage. This process needs to be carefully thought out.
Do you live with your dangerous partner? Are they a staple in your life or close enough to cause problems? Get in touch with a professional and start making plans with a friend. Collect all your important documents and store them out of the house and with a trusted loved one. Discreetly save money in a private bank account (or cash card) and pack what you can and have it prepared to go. When the time is right and everyone in your plan is ready, put it into action and seek the next stage of your life. Plan carefully and take your time.
5. Get yourself to a safe place
Action plan in place and safety companions at the ready, you have to take action to get yourself back to a safe place without this person in your life. It doesn’t stop the day you get away, though. Getting yourself to a safe place is a process that takes time. Maybe a lifetime. Once you’re away, you have to get busy working on your inner world. Why did you fall for this dangerous person’s traps? How are you going to avoid falling into similar traps in the future?
Get yourself to a safe place in life. Running away from one dangerous or abusive person isn’t enough. You need to really figure out the beliefs and hangups that led you to that person’s doorstep in the first place. Analyze your habits and patterns. Question who you are and what you want.
Make it a mission to never repeat this mistake again. Learn everything you can from the choices that you’ve made and the partner that you’ve settled for. Why were you attracted to someone who scared you? Was that a comfortable place linked to a traumatic childhood? Are you so used to toxic people and toxic environments that you think that’s all you deserve? Get yourself into a safe space mentally and emotionally before you jump back into the love and dating waters.
Putting it all together…
Are you about to invest in a partner or new spouse that is dangerous for your self-esteem or your wellbeing? It’s important to be honest with yourself about the signs you’re spotting. Do they belittle you? Dismiss you? Get joy out of hurting others? From red flags big and small, you’ve got to accept who they are so you can protect yourself.
Be honest with yourself about the person you’re about to invest in. Are they trying to isolate you? Do they scare you? Do they scare others? Dangerous people always leave us signs. Accept who they are. Talk to a professional and open up to friends or family you can trust. Get some space to process how you’re feeling and to think through what you want to do next. Make a plan to separate and cut ties safely. If you’ve already gotten close to the danger, it may take time to get yourself out. Do what needs to be done and get yourself to a safe place. You cannot change them, and you never will. Don’t risk your life trying to help a potentially dangerous partner. Have enough self-respect to walk away and open the door on true love and possibility.
