The types of toxic people you should always avoid investing in
Before investing your time and energy into someone, it’s always important to ask yourself what kind of person they are.
by: E.B. Johnson
We all encounter people in this life who clash with us on anything and everything under the sun. At first, we can seem to mesh well with these people. But it isn’t long until we realize the negativity they’re bringing into our lives. Rather than investing in someone who could potentially harm you, it’s important to be honest about who you’re dealing with and it’s important to protect yourself against them. We can do this extremely effectively when we learn how to identify and avoid investing in toxic people.
The types of toxic people we should always avoid.
While we all have different tastes in romantic partners and friendships, there are some core traits that we all should seek to avoid. Some people are toxic, especially those who always focus on the negative, or those who start drama out of jealousy and insecurity. We’re responsible for spotting these individuals and limiting their impact in our lives.
The town gossip
Gossips are a dangerous element to have in your life, and they are best avoided in your inner-most circles. A gossiping person loves the excitement of sharing a secret, and they love the sense of importance it provides as well. Just as they are ready and willing to divulge the secrets of someone else to you — they are just as willing to do the same where your private information is concerned. An endless gossip is a risk, especially when you’re going through sensitive or challenging.
The endlessly negative
Have you ever encountered someone who refuses to see the bright side of any situation? Are they always looking for the negative reaction? Or always assuming that someone is trying to get the best of them? These negative people make a major impact in our own day-to-day outlook. We pick up the habits of those we hang around most, and when that is a negative person it can result in our own negative outlook that stunts our emotional growth.
The totally self-obsessed
Self-obsessed people are both miserable and boring to be around. It’s impossible to be seen by a person who is stuck inside their own narrative. They are the only person they talk about. They are the only person who ever has anything important going on. More often than not, they are controlling and they want everyone to conform to their ideas of right or wrong, in and out. Are you trying to open up or be vulnerable with someone who only cares about themselves? It’s a waste of your time and energy.
The always-jealous
Believe it or not, there are those out there who seek relationship with us out of sheer malicious intention. They see something within us that they want, or something in our life which appeals to them. Then, this false friend engages in insidiously jealous behavior which undermines our confidence and drives our other loved ones away. When it gets down to someone who wants to destroy your life from the inside out, it’s better to cut them out and cut them off entirely.
The energy vampire
We don’t talk enough about energy vampires, or those who assume friendships with us in order to steal our light from us. At first, it can be hard to recognize this person. On the surface, they can appear friendly and warm — but shortly after encountering them you’ll realize you feel drained, exhausted, or otherwise tense and strung-out. This happens because these individuals emotionally push our limits and disrupt us out of a sense of fun or enjoyment.
The absolutely volatile
We all want to live stable and comfortable lives, and that means that we want stable and comfortable relationships as a part of that too. When someone is extremely volatile, or unsteady in their own lives, they can often come with a lot of drama or baggage that interferes with our energy and our journey. Maybe they lash out at you, or drum up major conflict at every turn. It’s a major distraction and damaging to our sense of self.
The shoot-you-downer
The “always nay-sayer” is a person who shoots down everything you do, or tries to actively keep you small. They may not always stick out as the most negative person in your life. Sometimes, their behavior is far more subtle and malicious than that. To this person, every new idea is a bad idea, and any strides you make are minimized or diminished to make you feel small. They discourage growth and they discourage your happiness at every turn.
The cruel critic
There’s a big difference between helpful criticism and a cruel critic who just wants to tear you down. Someone who wants you to improve will tell you what went well and what went wrong. The cruel critic never has any advice that helps lead you forward. Instead, their “advice” reads more like an insult issued by a person who too insecure to admit their truth. Criticizing someone without purpose only causes wounds where there should be growth.
How to protect ourselves from these toxic people.
Harmful and parasitic people have no place in your life. You’ve worked too hard and come too far to be de-railed by someone who is still struggling with their issues and their pain. Safeguard yourself by boosting your self-esteem and crafting better boundaries, then you can build fulfilling social circles and start asserting yourself in all the right ways.
1. Level-up your self-esteem
Self-esteem is one of the most valuable skills we can fine-tune for ourselves, but it’s a skill that takes time and effort to cultivate. Our self-esteem is the sense of confidence we feel in ourselves, our appearance, our personality, and our abilities. The lower our self-esteem is (or our confidence in self) the more vulnerable we become to people who want to take advantage or cause damage in our lives. In order to protect yourself, you have to set yourself up with a sense of self-worth.
Stop allowing yourself to be validated or destroyed by the opinions of others. No one knows the ins and out of your life but you. No one knows what you’ve been through or the precise perspective you’re approaching things with. You should seek to surround yourself with those who want to understand you, though. People who want to see the world through your eyes too.
Focus on your strengths and focus on loving every inch of your physical body every day. Celebrate yourself when you do things well, or when you get something right. A great way to start your self-esteem journey is by journaling about these things every day. When you wake up, write down 3 things you love about yourself. At night, write down 3 things you did well that day. Little-by-little you’ll begin to feel more confident in your skin, then you can start to embrace your weaknesses too.
2. Be more assertive
While setting boundaries is an important part of protecting yourself from people who aren’t in-sync with your needs and wellbeing, setting those boundaries alone isn’t enough. You have to stand up for yourself and be assertive when the occasion calls for it. That means saying “no” and setting consequences for those people who don’t respect who you are or what you need on a personal level.
If you are someone who allows people to push you past your line of comfort — stop it. The minute you feel as though you’re not in a space you want to be in (either emotionally or physically) remove yourself from it. Explain yourself if you need to, but don’t feel as though you are entitled to go into any great detail outside of, “I don’t want to do this.”
Those who love us will respect our need to remove ourselves from uncomfortable situations. They will allow us to decline offers and put ourselves first when it’s necessary for our health and our happiness. Be assertive and protective of your boundaries. It’s not confrontational to simply explain that something crosses the line. Leave your emotions out of it and stick to the facts. Avoid blaming language and know it’s okay to say “no”.
3. Stand by your boundaries
What kind of boundaries do you set for the people who are closest to you in your life? So many of us fall under the false idea that we shouldn’t set limitsfor those we love most. This, however, sets everyone involved up for major disappointment and misunderstanding. Our boundaries are crucial in every relationship. They help communicate our expectations and allow us to stay in line and on the same page with one another.
In order to avoid toxicity in your life, you need to set clear boundaries with everyone around you. Assess each individual relationship. What does the ideal version of that connection look like for you? Think about what you need most from the relationship, then think about what you absolutely aren’t willing to tolerate.
Communicate these boundaries with people before they have a chance to cross them. Give them a chance to respect you before pushing them away or allowing them to fall into a trap. There’s nothing wrong with being up front about your expectations in any relationship. Being clear allows us to avoid misunderstandings and figure out (in a much healthier way) whether our friendships are realistically aligned or not.
4. Learn to control your own emotions
Our emotions are a powerful thing, and they help to guide us toward those with whom we can share genuine connections. Sometimes, however, these emotions can become a liability. When someone else gains access to them, they gain access to a certain power over us. In order to remove this (and the effect a toxic or parasitic person has in our lives) we have to become the master of our own emotions and detach from their behavior entirely.
Don’t allow other people to control who you are through your emotions. Don’t allow them to make you angry or keep you reactive and weak. Detach yourself from poisonous people. Imagine a sheet of glass between you at every point and every interaction.
Deflect their negativity and see it as a reflection of their insecurities, not your shortcomings. We are who we choose to be, but other people can choose to see us as someone else. Reality is subjective. Leave them to be who they are, and focus on what you can control — yourself and your emotions. Once you control this, you hold the key to everything else. They’ll never have the power to touch you again when they have no hold over your anger or grief. Let them be as nothing to you.
5. Lift the quality of social circles
Like it or not, we are only as good as the caliber of people we surround ourselves with. We become our social circles. If you are someone who dreams of a life of abundance — you won’t get there by surrounding yourself with those who insist on lives drenched in pain or misery. When we lift the quality of our social circles, we make it easier to exclude the toxic and easier to encircle ourselves with those whose intentions are pure.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely want the best for you. Look for people who lift you up; people who see the best in you. You want to feel good around the people you choose to give your love to, not drained or inadequate. Really focus on quality over quantity when it comes to live, love, and even the connections you build in your career.
Even as you surround yourself with better people who want better things for you, you have to consciously limit the access that toxic or negative people have to you. This means building walls when boundaries fail and doing everything you can to physically and emotionally avoid them. While you may not be able to avoid them entirely, you can become a blank spot to them. Never tell them information that matters to you and never include them in places or events which you can control.
Putting it all together…
In life and in love, there are certain types of people that we should avoid altogether. These individuals are toxic and will do their best (through both jealousy and spite) to undermine our happiness and destroy the good we’re working for. We can protect ourselves against them, though, and limit their impact even when they prove to be unavoidable all the time.
Set up your self-esteem and find the courage and confidence to believe in your divine right to be happy and content in this life. Create boundary lines for yourself and others and clearly lay out the behaviors you will and will not accept. Boundaries are important and they are healthy too. Anyone that can’t embrace your boundaries is toxic. Stand up for yourself and be assertive by explaining your limits and saying “no” whenever they’re crossed. Recognize the power of the people you’re surrounded by and use this knowledge to lift up the caliber of your social circles. We need positive people around us who encourage us instead of tearing us down. Master your own emotions and protect yourself by removing the power of others to affect who you are in the here and now.
- Everly, Jr, PhD, G. (2021). Toxic People: How to Recognize and Avoid Them. Retrieved 7 April 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201911/toxic-people-how-recognize-and-avoid
