If you know someone is struggling don’t wait to help

Stop waiting for your depressed friends and family to ask for your help. If you know they’re struggling — do something about it.

by: E.B. Johnson

Depression is a monster that wears many faces, and when it strikes it strikes us hard. While some of us might show outward signs of our struggle, others don’t — doing battle with their demons in silence while they continue to show up and show out when and where it’s expected of them.

Though these people might seem as though they are thriving, they’re really drowning all alone, engaging in behaviors that are little more than thinly masked cries for help. These people are our friends, our family, our co-workers and even our spouses. They’re all around us, suffering in silence, and it’s up to us to offer them the helping hand that can empower them to change their futures.

Depression: What you don’t realize.

True depression (different from feelings of deep sadness) is a debilitating disease that causes us to build up walls between ourselves and the people we love. Living with or loving someone with depression is a hard game to play, and an even harder game to master — with stakes much higher than imagined and rules that can seem one-sided and ruthless at the best of times.

Depression changes our appetites, the way we think and the way we function and operate both on personal and social levels. Being depressed makes it difficult to think and impossible to make difficult decisions. Those suffering from depression find their hopelessness seeping into every facet of their lives, impacting their work, their friendships and even their romantic relationships in ways that undermine their longterm health, happiness and general wellbeing.

Loving someone who struggles with depression takes courage, but it also takes a certain know-how and understanding. Depression isn’t a choice. It’s a disease that impacts each and every one of us differently, from case-to-case and from time-to-time. The symptoms of depression exist in a spectrum, so dealing with them takes awareness and the ability to adjust. Help the one you love by learning the best ways to cope when they can’t.

Why it’s impossible to ask for help when we’re struggling with depression.

When you’re truly struggling with depression or anxiety, it can be impossible to reach out and ask for help — even when you know you need it. This is because of how isolated depression can cause you to become, as well as the feelings of guilt, depression and worthlessness that are also associated with such a horrible and pervasive experience.

Social isolation

Depression and anxiety force you to isolate yourself and cut yourself off (both emotionally and physically) from the world around you and the people you care for. One of the biggest reasons those with depression are unable to reach out for help is because they are isolated from anyone who could offer them relief. As the breaches in their relationships grow wider, they become more and more cut off from the sense of compassion that might otherwise empower them to share their pain and their truth with someone who might help.

Not knowing what to say

Imagine the hardest or most awkward conversation you’ve ever had. Now, imagine that you have an out-of-control and irrational brain piling on 20K more tons of guilt, shame, stress and pressure while you attempt to navigate and manage your own emotions — as well as the emotions of the person you’re talking to. When you’re living with depression or anxiety, it can make it hard to really know what you want to say, and what you need to say. Unable to express yourself, negativity compounds, and you might further isolate and shut down rather than reaching out for help.

Hopelessness

One of the biggest symptoms of serious depression and chronic anxiety is a feeling of hopelessness which permeates everything we do. This hopelessness becomes the theme of life, and you further retreat into yourself and pull away from the things that once made you happy or offered fulfillment. When you feel as though nothing will help, reaching out to those around you becomes a futile gesture in your depression-soaked brain. Those who are truly drowning can’t always see the light, making them feel as though reaching out will solve nothing.

Guilty feelings

Depression and anxiety warp the way we think, and they warp too the way we see ourselves within our interpersonal relationships. When you’re hanging so heavy with the pain and darkness of hopelessness, it makes you feel like a burden on the world. You feel guilty for wasting the valuable time of others if you open up, and you feel guilty for being an emotional burden on them when they have their own issues going on.

Fear of judgement

Those who are obsessed with the opinions of others often are incapable of asking for help when they’re drowning in the deep abyss of depression. They obsess over what people will say, or what they will think. They play out nightmare reactions over and over again in their heads. This fear of judgement keeps so many people from reaching out when they need help. That’s why it’s important to make the first move when you notice a friend or family member dealing with something serious.

Struggling with failure

There are a lot of taboos in western society, and mental health seems to be one of them (though the conversation improves by the day). Many of us see fighting depression and anxiety as a failure. We believe we are flawed in some way by our illness, and that somehow makes us feel as though we are less worthy or less deserving. Struggling with this vision of failure, we become too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help or to ask someone to just listen to us.

Exhaustion and overwhelm

Depression and anxiety eat away at who you are and wear down on your energy reserves by eroding your emotional stability and interrupting your sleep quality. Each day, these feelings of exhaustion are compounded and compacted by the additional stress and obligation of everyday life. Before you know it, your head is underwater and you’re using up everything you have in your body just to get through the day. You’re too tired to ask for help. Too tired to see that you need to reach out. There’s nothing left in the tank.

Belief in being let down

When you come from a broken home, or you have a history of turbulent relationships, it can create the belief that people will always let you down. Failing to have faith in others, you start to believe that there’s no point in reaching out (or that you will be hurt by the other person if you do). A belief in being let down by those they love is very common, and one of the biggest reasons those with deep and pervasive depression fail to reach out.

When is it time to intervene?

There are a number of concrete signs that will indicate to you when it’s time to reach out to someone that needs help. Because it’s not always possible for someone living with depression to ask for help, it’s critical that you know the signs to look for, and you know when to open the door and ensure they know how loved they are.

Focus on death or dying

Death and dying are a normal and natural part of life, but when we come to dwell on them too much it can lead to serious problems. The thought of death can be a relief, but it can also become a negatively obsessive failsafe that indicates your friend is dealing with a lot more than they might be vocalizing. If you’ve noticed that normal conversation now more regularly centers around the theme of death and dying — it’s time to reach out and ask your friend what’s going on with them.

Increased risky behavior

An increrase in risky or dangerous behavior can also be a sign that your friend or loved one is struggling with something like depression or anxiety. As humans, we avoid the hard stuff like decisions and emotions like we avoid the plague. Often, that requires the numbing of substances like drugs and alcohol, but it can also mean an increase in distractions like promiscuous behavior, gambling, etc. If you’ve noticed that someone who wasn’t a big drinker has started partying more than normal — or if you’ve noticed other behavior that’s out of place — ask them to sit down and have a chat.

Frequent and dramatic mood swings

Mood swings are an unfortunate side effect of depression and anxiety, and they are one of the most common signals that our loved ones are dealing with something heavier than normal. Going from happy to sad, sad to happy, in the blink of an eye isn’t normal (nor is it enjoyable). Extreme mood fluctuations are one of the first signs that we’re dealing with something we need help with, but it’s also a nasty side effect that can further isolate us or push people away.

Isolating themselves

The moment your friend, partner or family member starts to isolate themselves consciously from the world — it’s time to step in. While occasional, self-induced isolation can be a beneficial thing, cutting yourself off from the people and activities you normally enjoy is not. A friend that no longer shows up for movie night, or who has taken themselves off of social media suddenly and without explanation, might be someone who is calling out for help.

“Finality” behavior

Finality behavior is one of the most alarming signs that someone is dealing with severe depressive issues, but it’s one that’s so frequently overlooked by friends and loved ones. Giving away belongings and treasured possessions, saying goodbye with more feeling than usual, and even purchasing a weapon can be signs that something serious is going on behind closed doors. If you’ve noticed a friend that seems to be saying goodbye symbolically, step in and let them know that you love them.

The things we should never do when we’re trying to help someone with depression.

Before reaching out to someone who is struggling, it’s important to know which common responses to avoid. Though we might have the best intentions at heart, engaging in techniques like tough love actually cause more shame and pain in the long run for everyone involved.

Avoid the shame

Shame is one of the worst techniques that can be utilized when trying to help a friend with depression, but we often deploy it without ever realizing it. You can shame a friend who is struggling by simply telling them to be more grateful for all the good things in their life, or you might say something like, “you should really be over this by now”. More often than not, anything that falls within the lines of “tough love” could be categorized as shaming someone into feeling better than they do (an ineffective technique, no matter how you shape it).

Personalize their pain

One of the worst things you can do — when it comes to helping someone with depression or anxiety — is to personalize their pain. What they’re going through isn’t their fault, but it isn’t your fault either. Bad things happen, and our brains turn against us. That’s just life. If they lash out at you, don’t take it personally. Likewise, don’t try to use your own personal antecdotes to demonstrate how they should simply “overcome” what they’re going through. (Note: Even if you’ve been through something similar or worse, it does not mean you have the same perceptions or processing ability of the situation.)

Try to fix them

When you care for someone deeply, their pain becomes your pain and their victories become your victories. Watching someone you love suffer is hard, but it’s also critical that we realize that we cannot fix the pain and issues that they bare. Don’t try to offer up a solution when your friend opens up, and don’t try to fix everything or exasperatedly tell them how they could “make it better”. Instead, listen, empathize, and over them love, love and more love. They’ll come to their own solutions later. For now, be a shoulder they can just cry on.

Minimize their experience

We’ve been taught that to communicate understanding, we need to tell someone “I understand. But, the real truth of the matter is that there are just some things that cannot be understood by us, no matter how similar of an experience we might share. Don’t minimize your friend’s experience by telling them you “know” what they’re going through, and don’t try to compare notes on a similar situation you experienced. Be present. Be in the moment, and don’t make them feel as though they shouldn’t be complaining in the first place.

Tell them to medicate

Telling a suffering person to medicate is akin to telling them to “shut up and get on with it”. Though medication can be helpful for depression and anxiety, it’s not right for everyone, and it’s certainly not appropriate to bring it up when someone has summoned the courage to open up. Even if you believe deeply that medication is the right answer for your loved one, don’t take a stance on medication and encourage them to find professional help instead.

The best ways to help a friend who is battling major depression.

Once you know how depression might be affecting your friend or loved one (and you know how not to respond to their pain) you can start to make a plan of action and open up the door of support and outreach. Learn how to be a better listener and connect with them on level that allows you both to grow and change through the experience.

1. Be an active listener

Active listening is one of the greatest skills we can master in our lives, and it’s especially beneficial when it comes to reaching out to someone we think might be struggling with depression or anxiety. When we listen actively, we let people know that we’re present and we’re engaged in what they’re saying. It’s a sign of caring, and a sign of compassion, and easy way to tell someone “I’m here. What do you need?”

Find a time and a place to talk to you friend, and let them know that you’re worried about them and want to know how they’re feeling (or what’s going on). While they might not choose to talk, you might be surprised by how they do react. Once they make the decision to open up to you, don’t silence them with your own replies and don’t offer solutions. Instead, really listen and engage with what they’re saying. Ask questions, and nod along.

Active listening demonstrates our willingness to just be there for our friends, without need of return and without need of recognition or power. So rarely these days do we listen to others simply to listen. More often than not, we’re listening to respond. Don’t worry about offering up solutions, and don’t worry about being the fix that suddenly makes their lives better overnight. Depression isn’t something that strikes overnight and it’s not something that can be healed or managed overnight. Don’t offer solutions, just your time, compassion and companionship.

2. Be supportive no matter what

As humans, all we really want in this life is to feel loved, supported and seen by the people who matter most to us. When we receive unconditional love and support from our friends and family members, it unlocks transformative properties within us and empowers us to realize our own beauty and worth.

Be supportive — no matter what your loved one reveals to you, and no matter how dark their thoughts might go. Let them know that you’re there for them and that they can’t scare you away with their pain. You don’t have to be their everything…you just have to let them know that they matter and their feelings are valid.

Sometimes, though, this support might look a bit different than simply crying over coffee or a night in. Often, this support can take the form of helping and encouraging your loved one to seeka mental health professional who is better qualified to help them deal with what they’re experiencing than you are. By kindly providing them the space and safety they need to express themselves, you can assist in leading them to true healing by loaning them the strength to look after their needs.

3. Look after yourself first

One of the critical pieces of caring for others is caring for ourselves too. Just because you’re in a better place than your friend, or just because you have the facilities and abilities to help them does not also mean your resources are endless. When caring for a loved one who is having a hard time, ensure that your own needs are being met too; and that you’re engaging in the self-care that’s needed to keep you sane, healthy and balanced.

Don’t sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else’s pain. Before you ever approach someone in need, make sure that you yourself have your emotional and mental needs met. Taking on the pain of someone else is taxing. You won’t be able to support someone when you can’t even support yourself.

Likewise, it’s important to realize that you can always step away even after you’ve opened the door to someone who is in pain. There is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed or looking after your own needs. If things are getting too heavy, you can communicate that delicately and communicate too that you just need a few minutes (or days, or weeks) to look after yourself and gather your thoughts and your feelings.

4. Help with the little things

Depression is a menace, and it eats away slowly at your life until it’s impossible to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Little by little, things like the laundry and the dishes fall to wayside, until it becomes a challenge to even brush your hair, your teeth, or take a shower. That’s why one of the best things you can do to help someone who is struggling is to leave the small talk alone, and get right down to helping them with the little things.

If you know someone who is dealing with depression, they might appreciate an offer to help them with things like running errands or picking up the groceries. Rather than saying things like, “Do you want to talk?” you could try, “What do you need help with today?” Similarly, you could offer to take them grocery shopping or get creative and make it a cooking night in.

Tackling a task together can be a cathartic experience, and it can also lead to a subsequent opening up that makes it easier to share and to communicate. Sometimes, all we really need is a little help and a little companionship when we’re really down in the dumps (instead of an all-out soul-bearing conversation that lasts hours). Stop asking for them to express words they may not have, and show your support for your loved one by asking them what small tasks they need help with instead.

5. Educate yourself

One of the best things you can do — when it comes to caring for a loved one who is dealing with depression and anxiety — is to educate yourself about these conditions and how they manifest in different people. While you might think you know everything there is to know about depression, there is always something new to learn. More than that, it’s a tool to help you better relate to your loved one, and understand where they’re coming from and why.

Arm yourself with knowledge and learn everything you can about depression. If you’ve managed to get them to commit to a mental health professional, accompany them to their first appointment and then ask their specialist for reading materials before you leave. The internet, too, is a treasure trove of free knowledge. Just ensure that the information you secure is from a reputable source.

Knowledge allows us to connect with a greater range of people across a greater range of topics. When you take the time to learn more about what your friend or loved one is experiencing, you also signal to them that you’re taking a genuine interest in them and how they’re feeling. Don’t jump into things blind, and don’t assume that — just because you made it through some hard times — you have all the answers for anyone else. The moment you believe you know it all, life will teach you just how wrong you are.

6. Utilize loose invitations

Because depressed people isolate themselves socially and physically, it can be especially hard for them to reach out to people…but it can also be hard to live up to plans and expectations. Cancelled plans (especially at the last minute or unexpectedly) are a trademark sign that something is going on. While an occasional cancellation happens to anyone, regularly failing to show up happens when you’re living on the brink.

Help your friend avoid the guilt, shame and embarrassment of cancelled plans by utilizing loose invitations. Loose invitations remove the pressure and stress of being social when you’re not well, and they also send the sign that you care and the door is always open.

Reassure your friend and let them know that you’ll always be there, whether they show up or not. When you send the invitation, follow it up with something like, “No pressure. I know things are tough right now. Here whenever,” to remind them of your support and your desire to see them. Sometimes, this extremely small show of compassion can be the one thing that encourages you to push yourself out of the darkness and out into the ligth of day once more.

7. Patience, patience, patience

They say that patience is a virtue and that’s especially true when it comes to managing our relationships with someone who is depressed or anxious. Both of these conditions can force us into some strange and dark places, and also cause us to lash out or engage in other behaviors or actions that are not in-line with who we really are. If you’re reaching out to a friend in need, be patient with them, and understand that a journey like this one is hardly ever straight.

Don’t react to lashing out, and don’t lower yourself to the behaviors of someone who might be stressed and pressured to the max. If you first get a poor reception to your offers of help, know that it can strike our pride in strange ways when someone sees our pain for what it is. Be patient. Be compassionate. They’ll come back when they know you won’t leave them.

Most depression resolves with treatment, but that treatment can take time and it can encompass a lot of ups and downs. Embrace the good days and the bad days and know that both will come in equal measure and when you least expect them. Avoid the trap of believing they’re “cured” just because they’ve had a day full of laughter and smiles. Finding our peace within the experience of depression involves a lot of trial and error. So, have some patience and be there in the up swings and the downswings.

8. Never lose contact

Our contacts are lifelines when we’re struggling with thoughts or feelings of hopelessness. But, they’re often one of the first things to go as the darkness sets in and you begin to isolate yourself more and more. When all else has failed, the only thing we can do for a suffering friend or loved one is to retain contact with them at all costs. Even if they don’t reply to us, we have to make ourselves known and let them know that we’re here — looking for them and holding the watch.

Even if your loved one has isolated themselves entirely, refuse to lose contact with them. Keep sending them messages, emails. Keep calling them and leaving them funny little voicemails and messages that let them know you care.

We can’t heal our broken and hurting friends. We can’t do the rescuing for them. But, what we can do, is make sure that we keep the channels of communication open and the roadway free and clear for them when they finally decide to land. It takes almost zero effort or emotional work to send someone a text message once a week, once a month, once every solstice. You don’t have to hammer away at their doors, but you don’t have to shut down the lighthouse either. Let them know you’re there for them and never lose contact…no matter what that takes. Keep the vigil strong.

Putting it all together…

Depression is a serious medical condition that results in a number of behaviors and symptoms that make it hard to function in day-to-day life. When you’re depressed, it becomes hard to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, and you can find yourself lost in a sea of blackness that makes it impossible to reach out and find the help you need. That’s why it’s important that those of us who see someone struggling reach out, rather than putting all the onus of rescue on them and them alone.

Be an active listener and let the other person know you are genuinely there for them and genuinely interested in hearing what they have to say. Don’t offer up answers or solutions. Don’t look to fix their problems or magically whisk their depression away. Be supportive no matter what, and offer to help them with little things like daily chores or errands. When you’re depressed, even the smallest details can tear your happiness apart. Educate yourself on the forms of depression and the ways in which they can manifest, and show patience above all else. Being depressed is a dark and terrifying experience to overcome. All your friend truly needs is to know you’re there beside them. Take care of yourself so that you can be a better friend to them in their time of need. Living with depression is a daily battle. Be supportive and don’t expect them to reach out when the going gets really tough. If you’re in a life raft and you see someone drowning, offer them a helping hand and don’t wait for them to pull themselves back into life alone.