The best conflict resolution techniques for couples

Want to put your constant bickering to an end? These are the best conflict resolution techniques you can start using right now.

by: E.B. Johnson

Although our relationships provide us with some of the greatest joy and comfort we may experience in this life, they can also provide us with endless irritation too. To build a life with another person is to merge both your likes and your dislikes; the things you want and the things you need. That’s bound to come with some ups and downs, but it can be managed with mutual understanding, respect, and focus on your future aims.

Have you and your partner started fighting more than normal? Are you running up against major walls, or falling out over little disagreements? If you want to preserve your relationship, then you need to take steps to overcome the divides and get back on the same page. Conflict can be productive when we use it as a tool and stop using it as a means of revenge or upset. Instead of avoiding honesty and confrontation, we have to dig deep and find the courage to confront one another with compassion and respect.

Conflict is a part of the journey.

When we are sold the idea of a close partnership, we’re usually sold the ideal of ultimate fairy tale happiness. On the big screen and in our favorite romance stories, happy couples rarely fight. While this is a nice idea, it certainly isn’t reality. Even the happiest of couples fight and disagree from time-to-time. It’s a part of the journey, and one which can help us grow closer when we manage it as mutually respectful adults.

Failing to face or resolve the conflicts you and your partner create can lead to bigger, more complex issues. When you don’t fight fair (or you stop confronting one another altogether) you can find yourself stewing with resentment, looking for problems to criticize, and even roaming outside of your relationship.

Problems have to be accepted for what they are, so we can work together to find the middle ground. By building a strong inner life and sense of self, we can find ways to empathize with one another and the confidence to confront our issues and differences. Conflict doesn’t have to be the end of the road. It can be the opening of a door into a new phase of our relationship in which we are more honest, open, and vulnerable with one another.

Signs that the irritations are becoming issues.

Are the minor irritations in your relationship becoming larger conflicts? This is a common problem when we run up against issues that we fail to address honestly and upfront. The longer we ignore our issues, the more the resentment grows which can lead to a number of other complex problems that make it even harder for us to connect.

Always willing to criticize

Is your partner always criticizing you? Do you feel a need to constantly point out their flaws or their mistakes? A need to criticize can often be a sign of early resentment, or unresolved feelings which aren’t being acknowledged or addressed. Rather than criticizing one another, we have to look within and question our emotions so we can honestly fess up to the actual issues behind our need to criticize or run down our partners.

Inability to communicate civilly

Being upset and being irritated can often damage our ability to speak civilly or in an organized manner. Emotions are a powerful thing. They can overwhelm us and drive us into action that we don’t necessarily want to take. When we feel angry with our partners (or even sad) we stop talking to one another as adults and lash out with words that we think will ease our emotions. In the long run, though, these spontaneous and thoughtless words create even more issues in the long run.

Checking out emotionally

Connecting with our partners and spouses is a core part of building a long-term relationship. While some of this is done through physical intimacy, another (arguably greater) portion is done through our emotional connection with one another. Have you or your loved one started checking out emotionally? Do you feel less attached than you were? You may be dealing with minor irritations that are turning into bigger issues.

Failing to be honest

There is no relationship that can thrive with a genuine base of honesty. Through honesty we learn to trust one another, and we learn that it’s safe to be vulnerable and open. When we fail to be honest, it always signals serious issues that aren’t being addressed. If you’re failing to be honest with your partner, it could be because the resentment level has grown too high. Simmering you come to believe that you don’t owe them the truth, a decision which leads to the creation of cracks throughout the partnership.

Fostering negative emotions

Have you noticed a buildup of negative emotions between you and your partner? When you disagree — does it do more than simply leave a bad taste in your mouth? It’s not healthy to resent your partner simply for having a difference in opinion. We shouldn’t feel ourselves bubbling over with rage or seething with contempt just from seeing them unexpectedly. All of these point to serious problems, and more often than not, they point to a couple who aren’t addressing issues upfront.

Looking for problems

Passive aggressive people struggle to confront others head on. But they will go out of their way to tear down the person that wrongs them with snide remarks or attacks on their character. Our relationships can fall into this type of passive aggressive trap when we aren’t honest with our partners. Rather than point out a mistake they made or an issue that we have, we instead decide to attack the choices that they make or the success they manage. We start looking for problems we can punish them for, rather than address reality.

Eyeing a way out

Have you or your partner started to wonder what it would be like if you walked away entirely? Are you looking to other people and imagining what a relationship with them may feel like? When you’re eyeing a way out, there’s always a serious conflict or division at play. Instead of fixing the issues you’re suffering from, you begin to plan an escape route — but your problems will only follow you. The only way to resolve conflict (in any relationship) is by confronting it and working through it like adults.

The best conflict resolution techniques for intimate partners.

It’s time to put the petty fighting and the major blow-ups to bed. If you want to build a happy relationship, you have to confront your differences as adults and approach one another (at all times) with compassion and respect. Compromise through your interests and build fulfilling personal lives for yourselves. Then you can share perspectives and through that build empathy.

1. Focus on solutions more than problems

So many couples find their relationships breaking down because they become more focused on the problems that they have, rather than the solutions they need to fix them. A lot of that comes down to ego, and the need to be right or the need to be validated. When we let go of this ego, though, we can appreciate one another and find the compromise we need in order to navigate peace and reconnection.

When you and your partner find yourselves facing down conflict, get your problems out in the open and then look beyond them to focus on the solutions. You know where things have gone wrong. Focusing on the wrong will only make the negative feelings grow.

You have to be forward facing with one another. Stop wasting energy rehashing the same old wrongs and work together to figure out how you can put things right. If you keep looking backward as a couple you will stay stuck in the same old patterns of conflict and dysfunction which have always held you back. Look at one another eye-to-eye, then turn toward the future. You know what’s wrong. Focus on what you can do to put it right.

2. Build a fulfilling personal life

There’s this toxic belief that we have to lose ourselves in one another once we settle down into an intimate or committed relationship. We develop something of an obsession for our partners even as we grow an addiction the dopamine hit we get from being with them. As we learn more about them, we grow closer and closer — but that can often come at the cost of our relationship with self. Want to stop conflict? Re-build a fulfilling personal life that reminds you of precisely who you are.

Are you feeling lost in the relationship? Overwhelmed or otherwise disconnected from everything that used to make you happy? You need to re-gift yourself a personal life which allows you to thrive. When we’re anchored in self an full of self-love, we are more emotionally stable and aware (which makes it easier to deal with conflict in our relationships).

Get back to the sound, confident person you used to be. Reach out to friends and re-establish your support systems. Fall back into the flow with your passions and re-engage your interests by getting involved with personal pursuits which pique your curiosity or otherwise empower you to use your full range of skills. The more fulfilling our personal lives are, the more secure we are in ourselves. That’s an invaluable skill to have when it comes to navigating conflict.

3. Communicate with mutual respect

What happens when you and your partner address your issues with one another? Do you both listen with an even mind and an open heart? Or do you get defensive and allow your egos to take over your emotions? The only way to work through our problems is to communicate them to one another. This communication has to happen willingly, though. At the end of the day, we all just want to be seen and heard. That’s doubly true when we’re dealing with an unsettled conflict.

You and your partner are going to have to commit to sitting down and talking things out when you disagree or want to fight. There’s no replacing a frank and honest conversation when it comes to navigating the complexities of our lives together. When we always keep mutual respect at the forefront, we’re able to find common ground.

Tell your partner how you feel and then explain what issues you’re having with their behavior or the relationship in general. Leave out any blaming language, though, and focus only on your perspective in the matter. Once you’ve had your say, you need to leave plenty of room to do the same. Listen to them as they explain their perspective, then come together as a team to figure out where you can make compromises for one another in order to be happy.

4. Face up to the issues early on

So many of our relationship-ending mistakes stem from smaller misunderstandings which were allowed to snowball into major problems. For one reason or the other, we don’t feel confident sharing how we feel with our partner. Instead, we allow small problems to fester until they turn into major resentment. We stop speaking up for ourselves, and when we do we leave the door open for resentment to come walking right through.

Don’t sit on your issues for another day. You and your partner (or spouse) need to commit to facing up to your issues early on, so that you can work through them as a team. Make no mistake, this is a commitment and a very uncomfortable one to double down on.

Pull the bandaid off and allow your wounds to breathe. When something goes wrong or something pushes you too far, explain yourself calmly but clearly. Get your partner to make this agreement too. You’ll save yourselves so much time and energy by coming to one another before small issues are allowed to become major divisions and cracks in your relationship. Face up to the issues early on and stop running from the truth that’s right in front of you.

5. Share perspective with shared empathy

There can be little denying the power of empathy when it comes to resolving the conflicts we face with our partners. Empathy is a skill which allows us to understand not only our own emotions, but the emotions of other people too. When you’re empathetic for someone, you can see their anger, their hurt, their fear. But beyond that, you can feel it too. That’s because you can imagine yourself in their shoes and imagine a time in which you felt utterly powerless too.

Stop battling one another from different places in your relationship. Strive to get on the same level so that you can bond through empathy and reconnect through your shared perspectives. You need to be able to see things through your partner’s eyes. You need to understand how their emotions impact them and the very fabric of the world they’re dealing with.

Before you fly off the handle or make major accusations, reach out to your empathy. Ask yourself what your partner may be going through and ask yourself too what services you can offer to help your friend. Let go of all your judgements and your preconceived expectations. Embrace the person you love for who they are. See the humanity in them and see that same humanity in yourself. We’re simply human, and that’s a lot. Maybe we can find ways to be better in the future.

Putting it all together…

No matter how happy or balanced your relationship might be, differences in opinion are going to occur. Divides are going to happen and conflict is going to rear its ugly head. Good relationships aren’t about avoiding this confrontation. The best relationships are the ones who face up to them and resolve them as compassionate adults.

You and your partner need to put the conflict to bed. When differences happen, or someone gets their feelings hurt — focus on the solutions more than you focus on the problems. Build fulfilling personal lives for yourselves and stop relying on one another (solely) for happiness, entertainment, and validation. The more full we are on the inside, the less conflict we look for on the outside. That doesn’t mean we avoid it altogether, though. When you have an issue, speak up and do so with compassion and respect. We all have a point-of-view and it deserves to be respected. Face up to issues early on and find a way to meet in the middle by forming a shared understanding or perspective.