The warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy relationship

Are you struggling to connect or dealing with extreme conflict? These could be early warning signs of an emotionally unhealthy relationship.

by: E.B. Johnson

Although we love our partners with both an intensity and a tenderness, it does not always mean that our relationships with them aren’t fraught or dysfunctional. Are you and your partner struggling to connect? Do you fight all the time or otherwise struggle to get along in word or in deed? When things get tough, our emotional connection can get damaged. Repairing it comes down to our willingness to open up and find better ways.

There are numerous signs that your relationship may be unhealthy or struggling emotionally. From blame games to an inability to open up — the sooner we admit that something is wrong, the sooner we can reunite ourselves and focus on a plan that’s rooted in action. Do you want the constant fighting and emotional draining to end? Be honest about where you’re at and pursue peace, growth, and mutual wins above all else.

No relationship was ever perfect.

We’ve been sold an idea of love and relationships in the western world, which is (very often) false. Relationships have become almost mystical according to the tropes of the silver screen. When we fall in real love, we magically know it, and things have a way of magically working themselves out in the name of that love. This is a fantasy, though, and one that’s especially toxic when chased. No relationship was ever perfect, and no great partnership ever lasted thanks to the gift of magic.

Long-lasting relationships manage to keep it together because they are built by partners who share a mutual vision for the future; as well as a mutual commitment to one another. They don’t struggle to look past the hardships, because they know who they’re standing beside. They settled their issues long ago and know the power of accepting the person they’ve chosen to love.

Rather than seeking to build something “perfect” we have to focus on the reality of our relationships. When things go wrong, we can detach from one another emotionally and find ourselves dealing with complex pain and heartbreak that takes a lot of time and communication to overcome. Your relationship doesn’t have to remain emotionally unhealthy for the rest of time. You can choose to rebuild it, and you can choose to do so together.

Signs of a relationship that’s emotionally unhealthy.

There can be little denying a relationship that’s emotionally hit the rocks. When we’re not emotionally balanced as a couple, we find ourselves shifting blame and engaged in a whole slew of conflicts. Before we can get ourselves back on track, we have to know what we’re dealing with and understand how it impacts us.

Blame games

Blame games are one of the most common ways in which we shift responsibility and avoid dealing with our emotions. When you or your partner can’t take responsibility for your mistakes, you point the finger at the other one. This leads to a number of negative emotions, but primarily it leads to resentment and contempt. Over time, these feelings grow and we begin to alienate or even passive-aggressively attack one another.

Endless conflict

Every relationship has its ups and downs, and every couples experiences disagreements. These arguments can be healthy, but they can also be toxic if mismanaged. When miscommunication and misunderstandings become the norm, we can find that conflict too becomes a more regular visitor to our households. If we want to put the fighting to an end, we have to master more compassionate and respectful ways of communicating.

No room for growth

Personal growth is so important, especially if we want the quality of our lives or our mental health to improve. This truth doesn’t become any less true when we get into an intimate relationship. Healthy relationships leave enough room for each partner to explore their interests and who they are as people. When we’re in an emotionally unhealthy relationship, though, we can find clingy or controlling partners who don’t know how to give us this space.

Inability to be vulnerable

We have to be able to open up to our partners and be vulnerable. This is, after all, how we establish trust in one another. And it’s also the means by which we learn whether we are truly compatible in the long-term. Feel like you can’t open up to your partner? Do they shoot your emotions down? Or make you feel as though you aren’t safe speaking with them? This is a major sign of a disconnect.

Eroded self-esteem

Self-esteem is one of the primary building blocks of our lives, and the way by which we find the courage and energy to pursue the things which are important in our lives. In a healthy relationship, our self-esteem blooms. In an unhealthy relationship, we can find that we struggle to believe in hope or happiness. Not only do you deserve to be happy, but you deserve to be respected to. That happens in an emotionally balanced relationship — not an off balance one.

Loss of self

When our relationships are emotionally dysfunctional, we don’t only detach from our partners — we detach from ourselves as well. This leads to a loss of self and a complete erosion of personal identity. Over time, this detachment from your emotions destroys everything that once made you, you. We have to be ourselves within our relationships, and we have to be seen and accepted for who that person is. Without that, we can’t stay connected (nor should we).

Forcing change

Emotional bullying and manipulation are common in off-whack relationships, and they most commonly result from a controlling partner who seeks to change the other. Rather than talking about their differences, one partner assumes a power role in an attempt to change the behaviors or beliefs of the other person. The other person may feel emotionally cornered, or even feel as though their very relationship is at stake.

How to bring the love (and the balance) back into your partnership.

Is your relationship wrecking against the rocks of emotional detachment? Are you fighting all the time or feeling that disastrous drift? If you can both get on the same team, then there’s a chance you can piece things back together. It’s a process which requires commitment, though, as well as brutal honesty and a reinvestment in ourselves and the future.

1. Be honest about where you’re at

Before you can make any great strides to repair your relationship, you need to be honest about the state that it’s in. That’s not always an easy thing to do; especially if we’re still living beneath the quiet delusion of our rose-tinted glasses. Until you can be brutally honest with yourselves, you’re going to keep running in the same toxic and corrosive circles. Want to be better? Then you both need to admit what’s going wrong.

Each partner needs to take a step back and consider what they consider to be the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. See things objectively and remove both your ego and your emotion from the equation. What do you each do well? What lands you in fights, division, or disaster?

Imagine your relationship belonging to the most important people in your life. Would you allow one of your parents, or a younger sibling, to relax into the same kind of chaotic partnership? If this was their relationship, what flaws or hardships would you better be able to see? Only when you can brutally honest with yourselves about what’s going wrong can you take appropriate action to set it right. Take your time.

2. Find better ways to communicate

After you’ve each had some time to consider what is and isn’t working in your relationship, you need to come together and find better ways to communicate. Knowing the problem is only a starting point. You have to follow through with action if you’re going to get where you need to be together. Put the conflict and the arguing to the side. Look at the problems and instead focus on workable solutions.

Share your introspective discoveries with one another and look for better ways to communicate what you found. Find a safe time and space (when you can be uninterrupted) and open up to one another. Don’t point fingers and don’t try to be “right”. Simply share how you’re feeling and how you want to see things change.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t a one sided conversation. You have your view on things, and they are going to have theirs. Your true happiness and reconciliation will be found somewhere in the middle after the two of you open up and give way to find the common ground. There’s always a way that we can each get a bit of what we want and what we need, but we have to communicate to get there and stop point the finger all the time.

3. Sever unhealthy attachments

It is so easy to get deeply attached to someone you care for, but sometimes those attachments can run too deep. When you rely on your partner for full physical and emotional support, your relationship can start to feel like burden more than a benefit. While we should absolutely depend on our partner for support, respect, and compassion, we shouldn’t make it their duty to fill us up from the inside out.

You need to remember what it means to stand on your own two feet — whether you’re in a serious relationship or not. Lean into your personal independence and reconnect with the passions and people that fulfill who you are outside of your intimate relationship.

Getting married or having a forever partner isn’t the sole piece of the happiness puzzle we’re putting together for ourselves. While it can certainly play a central role, we still need to have interests, hobbies, and social groups outside of our relationship. Sever the unhealthy dependence you’ve built up around your loved one and learn how to strike out on your own. It will increase your confidence as well as the appreciation you feel for your other half.

4. Realign your big picture goals

Big picture goals are so important when it comes to establishing a partnership that’s strong enough to last. Staying together and overcoming hardship has very little to do with the colors we like or the sports teams we follow. Rather, the longevity of our relationships is reliant on traveling the same way in life. When adversity comes to test us, we need to be heading in the same direction to overcome it.

Re-motivate yourselves for a future together be refocusing on your future. Remember all those things you want to accomplish together and rebuild that bucket list of experiences that meant so much to you when you were planning trips and a new life abroad.

Don’t only focus on the fun stuff, though. You need to make sure that both of you still want (ultimately) the same big things from your futures too. Are you still aligned on the issue of family? Have your opinions on moving or establishing a career changed? There’s no right or wrong answer here, but we do owe our partners honesty. Being emotionally sound with one another is a lot easier when we’re mutually connected and mutually focused.

5. Pursue your own growth

There’s only so much work that can be done on a relationship if the partners themselves have committed to running away from the personal growth process. Our journey doesn’t stop just because we get in a relationship. It doesn’t become absorbed by someone else, or magically “fixed” for us. We are responsible for our personal growth, and we alone are responsible for ensuring we are becoming the types of people we need to be to thrive.

Pursue your growth, even as eagerly as you pursue the love and validation of your partner. Once you’re happy with who you are as a person, you’ll be that much happier in any relationship you choose to invest in. Become the person you were always supposed to be and embrace personal growth with open arms.

Making yourself better as a person can only make you better as a partner. It won’t push the right person away, and it won’t make them love you any less. Instead, you may just find that it inspires them to be a better version of themselves too. Increase your self-awareness and your emotional intelligence. Cultivate greater strengths and diminish your weaknesses through self-love and perseverance. Avoid letting anyone hold you back from being a better you.

Putting it all together…

Over time, our relationships can take a number of hits which damage our connection to one another and our ability to communicate. Little-by-little this causes and emotional misalignment which can be toxic if not dealt with swiftly. Rather than running away from our problems as a couple, we have to turn and face them together. Then we can get back on track and motivated to continue moving forward and toward one another.

Be honest about where you’re at in your relationship and be honest about all the flaws and imperfections it faces. It’s great that you can come together and celebrate your strengths. You’ll never make improvement until you confront your weaknesses, though. Do it together through honest and open communication, as well as a severing of the unhealthy attachments that keep you both scared, small, and cut off from the world. Take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Realign your goals and get back on the same page. Refocus on the things that mutually matter and leave out all the rest. You can see to your own personal growth, and you should. The happier and more emotionally you are in yourself, the happier you will become in who you are as a partner.