Why our relationships change

Our relationships are always in a state of change, which can bloom into something far more beautiful and transformative.

by: E.B. Johnson

Falling in love with someone is a powerful and strange experience. We get caught up in a moment of time which overwhelms us. We want that feeling to last forever, but our relationships (and the people we build them with) change. It’s a natural part of life and one we have to embrace. Change is all around us and it can both a beautiful and unsettling experience.

Stop running from the changes that are taking over your partnership. You’re both growing and becoming the people you’re meant to be. Embrace that growth within your partnership and allow it to become something which brings even more joy and value to your life. Growth is natural, and it can lead us to some truly fulfilling and passionate places when we empower ourselves to see change as a positive rather than a negative.

Relationships aren’t meant to stay the same.

When we fall in love with someone, we have a tendency to want that moment in time to remain the same forever. We want our partners to forever be that sweet-faced optimist, and they want the same from us. As time goes on, however, and we overcome our own personal struggles — we change. Growing is a natural part of the process, and this growth includes our intimate partnerships. Relationships aren’t meant to stay the same. They’re meant to change shape and form.

The things that we need and value in life shift over time. We don’t always hold on to the same beliefs and outcomes that we did as children, and we don’t want the same things from our futures as we did when we fell in love. Change happens. There’s little point in trying to outrun it or avoid it.

Dig deep and tap into your deeper sense of compassion and understanding. It takes courage to embrace a changing relationship, but it’s a courage we have no choice but to cultivate. Figure out who you are right now in this moment and then figure out what you want from your relationship. Allow yourself and your partner to explore your new limits together, and explore all the possibilities that these new changes offer.

Why our relationships change over time.

Over time, our relationships naturally age and change their positions. When we build a life with someone else we rarely end up being the same person at the end of the journey. We have to embrace this change in order to navigate it, and that happens by understanding why the changes occur in the first place.

The glasses come off

At the start of a new relationship, we are in what is known as the “honeymoon phase”. This phase is a rose-tinted one, in which we’re so excited about all the new possibilities that we often stop facing all the negative realities and emotions. When the honeymoon phase ends and rose-tinted glasses come off, we can often find ourselves confused and standing next to someone we don’t entirely recognize.

New people walk in

In this life we meet a number of people who change and shape the way in which we see ourselves and our place in the world. Sometimes, these people shift our personal lives, and sometimes make more of an impact on our intimate partnerships. New friendships and acquaintances enter our lives, which change the way we look at our relationships, or the way in which we connect with our partners. New people walk in and the world looks different. That’s just the way life works.

Changing experiences

Our experiences do a lot to inform our lives together as a couple. Have you or your partner undergone some major life changes recently? Perhaps you made a big move, or one of you made a big career change. Big events like this — experiences we undergo both together and apart — change your perspective, personality, and even the things you want from your life. The relationship you have before these major life events is not always the same relationship you have after the event.

Growing as people

Sometimes, there’s no major external event which changes the internal chemistry of our relationships. Sometimes, we alone do the changing from the inside out. Personal awareness is a part of growing up. You become more aware of your emotions and your capabilities; you start to work through your old traumas and you come to see life in a different way. Growing as people is powerful, but it changes our relationships too. In the long run these changes are for the best, but it can be painful to accept and see that.

Facing adversity

There are few more relationship-changing experiences than facing adversity and hardship together. Conquering challenges changes us, whether those challenges be mental illness, chronic physical illness, loss of career, death of a loved one, infidelity, or even financial difficulties. We are pushed through fire together and come out on the other side stronger than ever, or far more broken than we ever intended to be.

How to handle these changes the right way.

Believe it or not, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle the natural changes in your relationship. Rather than running or leaning into avoidance, you have to stand strong and figure out where you’re at. Then you can both come together as equals and communicate with honesty, openness, and compassion.

1. Figure out where you’re at

When there’s a lot of change going on within our relationships, it’s important to anchor ourselves in our realities and our needs. You have to figure out where you’re at moment-by-moment and be present in your body and your mind. With this presence, you can figure out what you want and communicate your needs and expectations more efficiently to your partner.

Take a few steps back and assess yourself. Take a full inventory of your emotions, the quality of your thoughts, and even the quality of your bond with your partner. How has it changed? Is it what you want it to be?

Look at your partnership for what it is right now in this moment. Mark the changes and do it with brutal honesty. Nothing in this life stays the same, and that’s okay. Figure out where you’re at right now so that you can both sit down and work through where you want to be. We all have different needs and different visions for the future. Embrace it and realize where you’re at.

2. Drop blame from the equation

Sometimes the changes that happen in our relationships are for the best, and sometimes they don’t feel that way. Certain shifts are harder than others, and can be emotional or even uncomfortable. In those moments, it’s important to be conscious of our feelings as well as the feelings of our partners. Then, we have to approach one another with calm and respect, dropping blame from the equation entirely.

Focusing on who holds the blame isn’t productive. You can point the finger at someone else all day, but it means nothing if they don’t step up and take responsibility themselves. For that reason, it’s more efficient to focus on resolutions. Things are tough. What do you want to do and how do you want things to play out?

You’re both wasting your time if you insist on laying the blame at someone’s feet. When we do wrong, we know it. We don’t need someone else to tell us. Move forward or cut things where they lie. The choice is entirely yours, but it needs to be made together, with forethought, and with some honesty. Stop fighting over blame and focus on the resolutions that actually matter.

3. Get perspective with loved ones

Our loved ones and our support networks can be a powerful thing to use when we’re struggling with change in our romantic relationships. They offer us compassion, but they also offer us perspective. Friends and family can see things that we’re too close or too attached to see. Utilizing this perspective the right way, we can start to see ourselves, our relationships, and the things we want in life in entirely different ways.

Open up to a few of the closest people you trust. Share what’s going on, and ask for advice if you’re feeling confused, conflicted, or otherwise uncertain about what to do or how to proceed. You don’t have to take this advice as gospel. You need only accept it as another way of seeing things.

Allow your mind to open up, and share your feelings with them. Be honest and don’t hide away the parts that you think will change the way they see your partner. They need to have all the information in order to provide you with the best possible answer. Open up and allow your hurts to show to those who want the best in life (and in love) for you.

4. Communicate with honesty

After getting a handle on how you feel and how you want to proceed, you and your partner need to open up to one another in a serious of honest (and compassionate) discussions. If your relationship is undergoing major change, there’s no point in holding back. You need to share exactly how you feel, and you both need to open up about what you now want from the lives you’re building together.

Don’t rush these dialogues and don’t expect an answer after 15 minutes of honest conversation. Pace yourself and give yourself the time and space you need to open up to your partner. Likewise, make sure you’r ensuring the same amount of space for your spouse or loved on to express their needs.

Communicate honestly with one another. Don’t avoid the hard feelings or the things that you’re struggling to say. That tightness in your chest means there is something there that is weighing heavily on your heart and your mind. Get this weight off your chest and be candid (and compassionate) with your partner. Talk to one another with respect and leave the negativity out of it.

5. Hold compassion in detailed focus

No matter what changes are occurring in your relationship, it’s important to keep compassion in detailed focus on it all. With this compassion to hand, we can avoid many of our baser instincts; as well as emotional over-reactions that are based more on our hurt feelings than our desired realities. When you feel that bad stuff bubbling up, refocus on compassion and get back in touch with one another.

Always approach one another with honor and respect — despite the challenges you face. Even when we make the most grievous of mistakes, we still deserve to be approached and heard with compassion and understanding. None of us perfect, and none of us is capable of getting everything right.

Take your emotions out of it and try to see things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own. Whatever emotions you’re dealing with, know that they are dealing with the same in their own way. Stop seeing them as only your partner and see them as the human being that they are, with the same complex ideas and experiences as you. Embrace that compassion and hold on to it tight through everything that comes next.

Putting it all together…

Although we tend to think of our relationships as never-changing constants, they are actually prone to a vast amount of change. We grow and change as people, and when that happens we shift our partnerships too. In order to overcome the hardships presented by these changes, we have to open with one another and willing to extend compassion and understanding.

Spend some time first figuring out where you’re currently at in your relationship, so you can figure out where you want to be. It’s like mapping out a journey. You need a “Point A” before you can figure out the right path to “Point B”. Drop the blame and accept that change is a natural part of the process. Then, open up to loved ones and get some perspective on where you’re at. All this new self-knowledge to hand, you can sit down with your partner and begin the series of conversations which will help you resolve the change that is pushing you both apart. No matter how hard things get, keep compassion at the heart of it all and you will find a way to understand one another. This understanding is key in figuring out what direction your relationship will take next.