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going with a bad jabber for now, haha.</li><li>My legs feel… different — like the muscles are sitting differently. It’s such a weird sensation I don’t even know how to explain it.</li></ul><blockquote id="f136"><p>Other notes:</p></blockquote><ul><li>This week has been a challenge. I’ve been trying so damn hard to keep up with the daily posts, responses to comments, reading everyone else’s articles and supporting them, and the Queerly Trans publication. But when the body and brain says no, ‘pushing through it,’ is not going to help! I went through a stage of what is the point of anything, diverting straight past existential crisis to existential ambivalence. Now I’m trying to balance <i>nothing actually matters anyway</i> with <i>what is my happy place?</i></li></ul><h2 id="d958">This Week’s Daily Posts:</h2><div id="1d62" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-113-everything-feels-like-its-falling-into-place-boy-is-that-nice-and-it-s-8ab16cdfa88f"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 113: Everything feels like it’s falling into place (boy is that nice), and it’s…</h2> <div><h3>One year. What the hell?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*XOOkEQAAEqEQ6A3Y)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="2059" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-114-im-watching-drag-race-season-14-and-i-am-so-loving-this-whole-unspoken-a318aa62e690"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 114: I’m watching Drag Race Season 14 and I am so loving this whole unspoken…</h2> <div><h3>He said something that I felt in my soul — “This community was buillt on love and acceptance.” But he was worried how…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ofJvM5aj_DOdmVuV)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e5df" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-115-i-was-just-reminded-about-an-article-i-wrote-about-butterflies-and-butt-1a1e7c48c2d0"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 115: I was just reminded about an article I wrote about butterflies and butt…</h2> <div><h3>OMG, I really need to work through my childhood trauma hair issues because this shit is whack!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*MD8qM4vJ1yBYifAI)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f8be" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-116-i-have-a-trans-ally-i-never-expected-but-i-was-seriously-stupid-not-to-3e2c0d120b2a"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 116: I have a trans ally I never expected — but I was seriously stupid not to…</h2> <div><h3>He found me on TikTok.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*AdCQPJ3D6nWKWjXHtyl21Q.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c208" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey

Options

-day-117-ingrown-hairs-are-the-bitches-ass-but-lets-not-talk-hair-again-a91791cec5c"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 117: Ingrown hairs are the bitches ass, but let’s not talk hair again!</h2> <div><h3>Wikipedia: Australia Day (Jan 26) marks the 1788 landing of the First Fleet at Sydney Cove and raising of the Union…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*tXdUNkTKB9cZ7tZz)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="be81" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-118-police-trauma-another-trigger-provides-clarity-d53f4c29ac44"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 118: Police trauma! Another trigger provides clarity.</h2> <div><h3>I’m writing a full article on this — more to come.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*cQFiUR5guXG2BJca)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3be8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/trans-journey-day-119-boostered-hot-and-exhausted-b97a801d1afd"> <div> <div> <h2>Trans Journey Day 119: Boostered, hot, and exhausted.</h2> <div><h3>I had my booster shot, so yay, and then walked back in this stupid Melbourne heat. I’ve had some metal challenges over…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*PNBk7vRmegIFeCUy)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h1 id="d261">And on to WEEK 18:</h1><blockquote id="2410"><p>Trans Life Ahead: I need to chillax. I need to return to daily medidate. I need to release these expectations I keep finding that I thought I’d released, but nope, there they are. I really need to put my mental and physical health first. I need to work out what I want. Oh, is that all? Lol.</p></blockquote><blockquote id="ef49"><p>Goals<i>: </i>1. Submit my LAST freakin’ assignment 2. Book my medical appointments 3. Habit stack meditiation and exercise</p></blockquote><blockquote id="77a9"><p>Dose: <i>2 Pumps/day (25mg)</i></p></blockquote><div id="c4d4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/queerly-trans"> <div> <div> <h2>Queerly Trans</h2> <div><h3>QueelyTrans is a publication for stories from writers who are trans/non-binary with an extra flavor of queer. Trans…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*sYjLvDxi5Sgw-vHDfUPa5Q.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="95f9" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/about-me-kp-the-writer-f56a5e65ea7e"> <div> <div> <h2>About Me — KP-the-Writer</h2> <div><h3>Podcaster, writer, and queer, oh my</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*7yTzy4Uqux13evoV0WoMpw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

TRANSGENDER

Come Ride My Rollercoaster of Existential Ambivalence

Reflecting on my transition journey this week

Adapted by author from image purchased on Deposit Photos

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WEEK 17 CHECK-IN:

Trans Life Past: I am heading to a one week sit on Sunday. I’ll be in the northern subs of Melbourne with a catakin and a barking-pup. One week of solitude to get all the work done — Or so I claim.

  • Ok, that was a great sit, and I got a referral out of it so I’ll be back in the same area for another week-long sit next week. Yay.
  • Ziggy the catakin was so damn gorgeous with huge I’m-going-to-rip-your-throat-out-in-your-sleep-eyes but was super cuddly. He woke me every morning by bull-in-a-china-store’ing the room — lamps knocked from the side tables, and my bottle of T pushed from the desk. Every morning! It was kind of hilarious.
  • Chips, a whippet, was so super affectionate and most mornings, if the cat hadn’t forced me up, he would wake me with super close face sniffs, haha. I will miss those two.
  • So I got one assignment done, a bunch more editing, and found the existential ambivalence I needed right now.
  • In transition news, I definitely feel like my hormone levels are doing a thing — a little instability going on. My mental health has been a little bit of a rollercoaster and I needed to step back and take some space. I’ve been super forgetful — like, more than normal, and pretty discombobulated. My body is doing some things I don’t like too that suggests I need to check in with my T and E levels.

Goal: 1. Submit this freakin’ assignment * I did the thing!

2. Edit every day (fuck numbers!) * I had one day off but I needed that break because… “Mental health check! I checked! I’m fucked…” (thanks for the forever brain infiltration TikTok)

3. Do a face comparison * I did. Yep, I did. So, ummm… I look a crap tonne happier. Probably the biggest thing I noticed was that in the first pic (I campared 3 across 2020 prior to egg crack, 2021 early cracking, and 2022 now) I seriously just don’t look there — like, the disassocaition is strong in this one! * Physically, my face looks rounder and not as soft but I think the first one had a filter, lol. It’s weird because I can’t say if I look mostly the same or completely different, lol.

OH SHIT! I’m 3 for 3 on goals! Go me!

Gratitude:

  • All my gratitude this week goes to Bevan!
  • I kind of knew I had distanced myself from everyone in my life whose reaction I felt I couldn’t ‘predict ‘— which meant, everyone who wasn’t queer! Lol.
  • Bev found me! Long story short, he was just, him and saw me as just, me. Like, if I could predict that reaction from everyone, I’d have no anxiety about telling anyone. That’s how it should be. His reaction was how it should be.
  • So much love to you, Bev!

Physical Changes:

  • More hair but I’m sick of talking about that, haha.
  • I had my covid booster this week and I felt it! I don’t know if I had a bad jabber, or if my pain reception has changed (which I know is a thing, lol). I’m going with a bad jabber for now, haha.
  • My legs feel… different — like the muscles are sitting differently. It’s such a weird sensation I don’t even know how to explain it.

Other notes:

  • This week has been a challenge. I’ve been trying so damn hard to keep up with the daily posts, responses to comments, reading everyone else’s articles and supporting them, and the Queerly Trans publication. But when the body and brain says no, ‘pushing through it,’ is not going to help! I went through a stage of what is the point of anything, diverting straight past existential crisis to existential ambivalence. Now I’m trying to balance nothing actually matters anyway with what is my happy place?

This Week’s Daily Posts:

And on to WEEK 18:

Trans Life Ahead: I need to chillax. I need to return to daily medidate. I need to release these expectations I keep finding that I thought I’d released, but nope, there they are. I really need to put my mental and physical health first. I need to work out what I want. Oh, is that all? Lol.

Goals: 1. Submit my LAST freakin’ assignment 2. Book my medical appointments 3. Habit stack meditiation and exercise

Dose: 2 Pumps/day (25mg)

Transgender
LGBTQ
Testosterone
Transman
Queer
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