Relationships
“Catfishing”, How Not to Get Fried
Ten red flags and why improving emotional intelligence is important in relationships
“Throw away the idea that you need to find a perfect partner or flawless friend. All people are imperfect. What is possible is connecting with someone who is doing their own inner-work. They will have more practice with authenticity, holding space, intentional growth, and self-awareness.” ~Yung Pueblo
The Dating Game
“Catfishing” is a form of psychological and emotional abuse. Dating and the so-called rules for dating have changed a lot in the past twenty years since I have been married and divorced. Perhaps some of that has to do with the fact that I am well beyond school age where meeting people socially was a lot easier. And then there is the fact that after a divorce, and in my mid-forties, the pool of available people is significantly smaller. Then, factor in the amount of available people who are intellectually and physically attractive and emotionally and financially stable and suddenly the numbers flat out plumet. But I can tell you, it is not fun — in fact, it is downright dangerous.
Online Dating
Many people turn to online dating as a way to meet and talk to new people. Even my college age daughter tried it, against my best wishes. According to recent statistics, there are 413 million active people online dating worldwide.
I know friends who have successfully matched online and married. So it can work. However, I did not have success my first go round. I found men typically were only looking for sex and I have talked to men who felt similarly about women. I tried it again about five years later and I actually did have better luck, but I recommend trying to date friends of friends, reaching out to people from your past who are available, or even trying to get to know Facebook friends better. At least when you already know someone on social media you start with a baseline of who they might be.
I have heard some real nightmare stories about online dating, and I would like to give a few tips about knowing whether you are being “catfished” and what to do about it. Maybe you have heard of or even watched The Tinder Swindler — that one really blew my mind that any woman let alone multiple women could be so naive as to just hand over money, big money, to someone they barely know. Or there is Love Hard, another tale of catfishing with a more romantic ending. Now, a similar story is happening to someone I know, but I do not believe it is going to end well, in fact I believe he is being taken for a large sum of money and he is a very wise man.
What is Catfishing?
Catfishing is when someone online pretends to be someone they are not, creating a fictitious persona. They typically are trying to scam you financially, they are just narcissistic manipulators, or emotional vampires with very low self-esteem. Either way, if it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck.
“What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.” ~ Author Unknown
Red Flags of Being Catfished and how to Avoid it.
- Never give money or share your financial information with someone you are newly dating, particularly someone you have yet to meet and know well.
- If the person seems too good to be true, they probably are. Do a background check through Been Verified.
- If they travel all of the time, live in foreign places all the way across the world, and or live a “jet setting” life they probably are not real. Question their credentials.
- If they refuse to meet in person within a reasonable amount of time and do not want to introduce you to friends or family or meet your friends and family. Call their Bluff.
- Ask yourself if the relationship feels balanced and reciprocated.
- Love bombing. Does this person spoil you with compliments, but then lack the action to back up those compliments?
- Will they skype, facetime, or zoom? Will they send random selfies? Someone who is legit will want to really open up and share their life with you rather than manipulate you. They will want you to see them with morning bedhead and at the end of the day.
- Do you have phone conversations and share intimate details about your lives, what were your childhoods like, your families, your friends
- Are your friends worried about you? You should probably listen to what they are saying, especially when this person refuses to meet in person and makes up last minute excuses for why they cannot meet.
- Listen to your gut instinct, or intuition. As soon as you feel something is off it likely is.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
So often we crave the human connection that they overlook the manipulation. After going through a divorce sometimes the emotional intelligence levels are vulnerable. Emotional Intelligence is the ability to express and manage emotions and understand how our own emotions impact others. By raising emotional intelligence, we can raise communication skills, empathy, and compassion.
With strong emotional intelligence we raise our awareness of what is going on both within ourselves as well as around us and in others. You sense, through empathy, shifts in the romance and partnership as you date that signal the need for action and redirection. Someone who is catfishing can really devastate you mentally and emotionally. Try to stay as alert and aware as possible when online dating and dating in general. Know when it is time to walk away and block contact to protect yourself from further damage.
Practice self-acceptance and respect. We all have the ability to achieve the love we desire which includes mutual respect, adoration, deep intimacy physically and emotionally, and soulful nurturing, but in order to reach this glorious level of love we have to weed out the emotional vampires, protect our own energy, and know when to walk away when we are not being treated the way we deserve. This is very difficult after being manipulated and having our emotions and feelings twisted inside out.
Raising emotional intelligence is a life-long project, in my humble opinion, but it is one of the best things that we can do as individuals in order to build a firm foundation as couples.
Catfishing can cause deep emotional wounds, financial strains or devastation, depression, trust issues, and even grief. If you have been catfished please seek professional counseling. It is a form of deep betrayal and manipulation.
Conclusion
Strive to raise your personal emotional intelligence. This way you have a higher level of awareness of what is going on within yourself as well as with others. Listen to your intuition when something feels off. Never give someone your financial information, especially when newly dating. Make sure you get to know the person you are dating. Get to know their friends and family. When you marry someone, or are in a long term relationship, you are committed not only to that person, but also to their family. Set personal boundaries and make those very clear. If the online person is not willing to meet you in person or something feels off, you are likely being “catfished”. If you are “catfished”, the best thing you can do is block that person and rebuild your life.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this important article. So many people are sadly being taken advantage of, emotionally and financially. I hope you will help me get the word out about this by clapping, commenting, and sharing this article. If you are not part of the Medium Partner Program yet I invite you to join by clicking here.
Peace & Love,
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