Relationships
How to Improve Your Love Life in Ten Proven Strategies
Learn to keep a forever relationship strong.
I have desired a relationship like the one my parents had for sixty-seven years my entire life. When I knew my marriage was over I was devastated. After a couple of failed relationships, I was yet again devastated.
I started to believe true love was not in the cards for me and then… life changed. I changed. I became confident. I let go of what everyone thought. I stopped looking for love. And along came the most amazing man I have ever known.
He had been through similar tragedies and heartbreak. He wants all the same things in life. I literally feel the love in his touch. I love his family as my own. I feel so loved and accepted. I know now why it never worked with anyone previously.
I am grateful for every experience that prepared me for this relationship. I now know what true love is.
1.Cultivate your own self-esteem and well-being
When you love and accept yourself you create a secure foundation on which to build a relationship. I have learned that despite what movies love to depict no one else can ever complete me or make me happy. A perfect relationship can add joy and elevate who I am and who I am becoming and provide a safe environment in which I can grow, but that person is not responsible for my happiness.
When I value myself, it shows my partner that I also value him and that I want to look and feel my best.
Be okay with interdependence rather than needing each other for everything. This allows you to share your own interests with each other and grow and expand together as a couple. You bring shared experiences and interests into your conversations which add interest to your emotional and intellectual sides.
2. Learn your partners love language and nurture and feed that.
Gary Chapman wrote a book called, The Five Love Languages, which I highly recommend everyone read. For the sake of this article, I will just briefly list each of the five languages. In his book you can take the quiz to learn your primary if you are not already aware.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Knowing your partners love language helps communicate effectively. My primary love language is quality time and conversation so if that need is not getting met it is difficult for me to enjoy my partner and to meet his needs.
3. Listen with the intent to understand.
Do not try to solve every problem for your significant other. Sometimes your partner just wants and needs to be heard and understood. However, do decide to resolve all conflicts as a team. Promise to accept and forgive one another unconditionally with the understanding of complete loyalty and respect.
4. Learn to ask for what you want rather than dancing around issues or playing charades.
Playing games and being indirect will only cause resentment to build. Be straight up and have honest transparent conversations about your needs and desires.
5. Always date each other no matter how long you have been together.
My parents passed this advice down to me and I think it is sage wisdom. It is so important to keep it fresh. Remember why you fell in love. It is the small gestures, the loving glances and touches that can go a long way in keeping a relationship strong. Surprise each other and take turns planning dates.
Remember to hug each other as this will renew the bond and connection. Putting your hand on each other’s backs will allow you to literally feel the love because love actually energetically enters the body through our back. So, when we touch with intention our partner can literally feel our love through our touch. Hold hands. Smile at each other. Make eye connection which strengthens empathy for one another.
6. Respond to each other’s bids for attention.
John Gottman is a leading relationship expert and explains that “bids are the fundamental unit of emotional connection. They are the gestures between a couple that signal a need for attention. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal.”
By turning toward your partner and responding to their bid for attention they are reassured that you care. It will make a big difference in the success of a relationship.
7. Agree to be in the “foxhole” together and have each other’s back no matter what.
No one likes to be around a bickering couple, and it really is not healthy. Surrender the need to be right. Never put each other down — that is like putting a hole in the ship in which you are trying to sail. Honor and cherish each other. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. See each other’s inner child.
Never go to bed mad or hold grudges. That will cause problems to escalate. Remember how precious this person is to you. Look each other in the eyes. If you cannot resolve the issue before bed, at least agree to hug and resolve the issue first thing in the morning, without going to bed angry.
8. Never stop having fun together.
Make time and prioritize each other. Appreciate each other. Nurture your love garden mentally, spiritually, physically, financially, intellectually, and environmentally.
Laugh together and cry together, but keep it balanced. Be sure that not all of the conversations are serious. Literally play together. Bring out your inner child together from time to time.
9. Use “I statements” when communicating needs and desires.
Pay attention to nonverbal communication as well as verbal communication. Be aware of your own language and tone as well as your partners and remind yourself to be gentle with your partner. If you are upset, it is okay to communicate that you need to take a time out before revisiting a conversation so that you do not say or do something you may later regret while in a heightened emotional state.
John Gottman explains that using “I Statements” places the responsibility on the person leading the conversation and allows the listener to feel less blames and shamed and so the person speaking is more likely to feel heard and understood rather than shut down. The conversation is far more likely to be productive and have a positive result.
An example of how I use “I statements in my relationship is, “Babe, I really need you to open up and talk to me. It scares me when you are quiet. I feel you might pull away from me and I would rather hear the truth even if it hurts.”
10. Stay intimate physically and emotionally.
Have open transparent conversations. Be completely honest about your needs, goals, and desires. If one person has different expectations, it is important to compromise.
Tell each other you love each other and show it through small gestures as well. Take care of each other. Complement each other. When you fulfill each other’s needs why would the relationship ever end or either person look elsewhere?
Conclusion
Once you commit it is so important to create a safe environment where both people feel they can learn and grow. We are human and it is natural that we will inevitably make mistakes. One of the best parts of a long-term relationship is knowing that our partner has our back and will be there for us on those really tough days when we need a little added support.
When we nurture the relationship and feed that love garden, we build that foundation that allows the garden to grow and blossom into a beautiful healthy strong relationship.
Resources:
A couple more good relationship articles you may enjoy. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I appreciate you so much. Please comment and tell me your best relationship advice. We are all on this journey together and it takes a village. For unlimited articles on Medium click here.
Wishing you all light and love,
