Relationships
Why Emotional Connection is More Important to Your Sex Life Than You Thought
To spice it up in the bedroom stay connected in the heart and soul.
Sex is very powerful. It can illicit many emotions and also takes great vulnerability. We literally bare not only our bodies, but also our soul. As a woman, I am allowing a man to enter my body. It does not get more intimate than that, you might think. However, in order for that to happen, I personally have to feel a very high level of comfort with that person. It takes trust and connection before I get to a point in the relationship where I feel comfortable with sexual intimacy.
Many couples struggle with sex. Sex has been known to destroy relationships. But is it the sex or the emotional intimacy? It is very similar to the chicken and egg question — which comes first? As a relationship coach, I have heard many sad stories from men who struggle with erection or who take a while to climax and their wife scoffs and gets bored with them. This is extremely hurtful and in fact makes the problem worse. Likewise, I have heard from women who have put on weight that their husband will not make love with the light on, and they feel body shamed. In these situations, it is my belief, what it boils down to is a lack of emotional intimacy.
If you have ever been cheated on you may have lingering feelings of inadequacy that come out during sex. You look for your partner to help you feel safe through loving words of affirmation as well as gentle touches of affection. It may be difficult to experiment sexually for fear of failure. It is very important in these circumstances to do the individual work to build self-confidence, so your partner does not feel this heavy burden of your weak self-esteem. Also, if you get triggered by a past relationships or feel uncomfortable during a sexual experience use your highest emotional intelligence to communicate compassionately with kindness. The worst thing we can do to someone we love and care about is cause feelings of shame. Simply excuse yourself or take a time out, if need be, without making the other person feel hurt or rejected. Communicating needs and feelings before frustration, resentment, and contempt build is key to salvaging a relationship.
Men and women view sex differently at times. Sometimes women need more of a long lovemaking session where men want it fast and hard. Sometimes it is the other way around. When you have a strong emotional connection, you are able to communicate your desires. You can compromise and take turns satisfying each other’s needs. Below is a previously written article where I share many forms of orgasm.
Having a great sexual relationship as a couple can intensify a wonderful bond but having sexual friction or negative sexual chemistry and energy can be very damaging.
“The sexual paradox is that healthy sexuality has a positive 15 to 20 percent role in people’s lives and relationship. However, dysfunctional, conflictual, or avoidant sexuality has a powerful destructive (50 to 75 percent) role in subverting the person and destabilizing the relationship.
Healthy sex cannot save a bad relationship, but sexual problems and dysfunction can destroy a loving relationship. Sexuality energizes the couple and reinforces feelings of desire and desirability. The positive functions of sexuality are a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce intimacy, and a tension reducer to deal with the stresses of life and the sharing of lives.” ~Barry and Emily McCarthy, Sex Educators
In a healthy long-term relationship security is created which allows comfort in creating new sexual positions and trying erotic sexual things. However, without that emotional intimacy, you cannot have that sexual closeness. Many couples who lack that emotional closeness cut each other off sexually or the sex becomes far less desirable. This then causes feelings of rejection and resentment, and the downward spiral of energy begins. Couples who are emotionally responsive and connected tend to receive each other’s “bids for attention” as John Gottman, a leading Relationship Expert calls it. As a result, they can surrender to each other’s sexual needs and desires. There is no need for jealousy and insecurity because they feel loved and supported by their significant other.
Conclusion
Make your significant other feel loved and valued by understanding their love language, needs, and desires. Communicate your needs and desires. Be sure to work through conflicts to resolve them together so that resentment does not build. Enjoy laughter and be playful with each other. Finally, always continue to date each other no matter how long you have been together. Dating each other keeps the romance and passion alive. It creates time to stay intimate both emotionally as well as physically. Take turns planning the dates — they do not need to be expensive, in fact some of the best dates I have experienced were next to free.
