Relationships
Six Reasons Relationships Fail and the Solutions to Save Them
Why it is best to try to repair a relationship than move on and continue to repeat toxic cycles.
Relationships are difficult and over fifty percent fail. If we were to put effort into healing, or mending, the mistakes made, or lack of effort, in those relationships we may save ourselves more future heartache. Many times, the unhealed trauma from one relationship is carried into the next and the same mistakes are repeated. Sometimes, it is even unhealed wounds from as far back as childhood that are carried into adulthood that subconsciously cause self-sabotaging patterns of self-defeat. However, it does not have to be all doom and gloom and I am here to provide you with six common reasons relationships fail and solutions to save them.
Six Common Reasons Relationships Fail ( in no particular order)
- Financial Differences
- Lack of Intimacy: emotional, physical, or spiritual
- Betrayal
- Family Medaling
- Unhealed Childhood Wounds or Trauma
- Lack of Respect
Does any of this sound familiar in your relationship? If so, let’s work to repair them long before animosity and resentment build. I love to teach my clients an important communication style that John Gottman uses called “I Statements” for talking through difficult conversations because it allows both partners to take responsibility and it allows to listener to be more receptive to hearing the message being delivered. For example, if Bob said to his wife Sue, “I feel you are spending too much at the grocery and that scares me because I do not make enough money. It would help me if we could create a budget. Would you be open to that?” Then Sue does not feel blamed or shamed and it has opened the door for a productive conversation involving fixing the financial situation. I statements can be used in all six situations.
Financial Differences can cause huge problems if not discussed early. I recommend talking about financial vision, structure, and expectations early in the relationship. Nothing should be hidden or a surprise. However, if a situation arises, use “I statements”. Remember, you are a team.
“Money may not buy love but fighting about it will bankrupt your relationship.” ~ Author Unknown
I once knew a man at our country club who asked my ex-husband how much I spent per month shopping. My ex said, “she does not shop monthly, why?” The man said, “You gotta help me, my I love my wife dearly, but she is driving me into the ground financially. She spends over $2700 a month on clothing for just herself let alone our six kids.” My husband was blown away, and grateful that our spending habits were under control. Budgets are very healthy. Never spend more than you can afford. Do not be afraid to talk openly about finances. It can cause a lot of pressure if it bottles up.
“Feeling safe in someone’s energy is a different type of intimacy. That feeling of peace and protection is really underrated.” ~Mind Journal
Lack of Intimacy is a huge cause for betrayal. It is important in a relationship to have intimacy in all areas spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Physical intimacy includes but is not limited to sex. Physical intimacy includes gentle touches on the back, holding hands, back rubs — it is just letting the other person know you feel attracted to them. If you need to spice up your physical attraction there are games available that you can play that tell you to draw a body part card and then kiss or touch.
It is important to share what is going on in your day, allow each other to help each other problem solve, listen with the intent to understand, and emotionally support each other. Practice full acceptance and understanding as well as forgiveness. Part of emotional intimacy is taking responsibility for your mistakes and apologizing when necessary. Showing appreciation goes a long way in keeping a relationship healthy as well. Spiritual intimacy means giving back to the community together or meditating together because as you do things that make you feel good you build strength as a team and you grow closer to your divine self, but as a couple rather than one of you accelerating and then leaving the other behind.
“Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love. It has to do with an emptiness or a bankrupt coping mechanism within your spouse that has been there long before they met you. An affair is an attempt to escape from the reality of one’s self.” ~ Dr. Robert Huizenga
Betrayal will cause long term lack of trust which is very difficult to rebuild. First, it is important to understand why the person looked outside of the relationship so that it does not happen again. Second, the person who did the betraying needs to be sure they are finished and ready to return faithfully.
It is possible to reconcile but there are a lot of hurt feelings involved and often the one who was betrayed will then lash out and reprimand the one who did the betraying causing feelings of shame which then causes a worsening toxic cycle. In order to recover from the betrayer both people must be one hundred percent committed. There must be boundaries and bottom lines put into places and complete transparency. BOTH people must play fair meaning the person who was betrayed can ask questions up front, but you will not heal if they continue to rehash and refuse to move forward and rebuild. You must decide what you want and commit. It is not easy, but like I said it is possible. Forget what friends and family think and remember you are a team.
“Dear mother in law please do not tell me how to raise my kids. I’m married to one of yours and he still needs some work.” ~Author Unknown
Family medaling is a tough one. I always wanted to be close with my in-laws or my significant other’s family, but there is a fine line. If they are manipulative or controlling boundaries are helpful. You are both grown adults and you need to stand up for each other and have each others back no matter what. No letting the mother in law bully you around so to speak. You two stand as one and make your own rules, especially when children are involved.
“Trauma keeps you in the loop of your past. You’ll bee 25 with an 8-year-old mindset & thought process. That’s why you people please or overextend yourself or stay places longer than you should have. Your inner child is screaming, ‘finally someone loves me.’” ~ Author Unknown
Unhealed wounds and past trauma cause us to self-sabotage, often without even knowing it. It can cause addiction problems, workaholics, abusive behaviors and much more. If you have childhood scars that you feel might not be healed share that with your partner. It may be causing more problems in your relationship that you were aware of. Consider getting individual as well as couples counseling. Awareness is the catalyst for change. Sometimes, it is past relationships, rather than childhood, that we are dragging toxic behaviors from into the current relationship. Be aware of patterns of behavior. Be honest with yourself.
“A person who cannot control his words shows that he cannot control himself and is unworthy of respect.” ~ Robert Greene
Respect is underestimated in my opinion. I am a Taurus, so perhaps I am bias, but if I am told to do something oh boy look out, because it likely will not get done. But if you ask me nicely or tell me you’d love to tackle a project I will likely do it at ease. You see, it is all in the delivery. I think this may be especially true for men, I would love input in the comments, but I feel in my experience men are far more likely to give us women what we want when we ask with respect rather than demand or even beg. Respect makes people feel important and needed as well as appreciated. If you do not feel respected in your relationship speak up and have a civil conversation. Set boundaries and tell your significant other your concerns and needs before hostility and resentment builds. There is never a reason to speak harshly or badly to each other. Try to remember why you fell in love to begin with.
Take Away
In each situation, take yourself back to the beginning of your relationship. Remember your very first date? Remember the excitement and passion? Whatever tension is occurring now try to rekindle the passion while at the same time resolving the conflict. Both are possible with commitment and effort from both of you consistently. There is no perfect relationship that goes along without conflict. Conflict is completely normal. It is all about the resolution, the trust, the respect, and the compassion that matters. Never lose your sense of playfulness and curiosity with each other. Keep the relationship alive.
- Continue to make time for each other and date each other like you did in the beginning.
- Talk about your love language and how you can better meet each other’s needs.
- Use “I statements” when communicating.
- Seek counseling if necessary.
- Forget about the opinions of others. Just as you do not know what happens behind their closed doors, they do not know what really goes on behind your and all the love that exist between those arguments.
- Make a commitment to either resolve the conflict together or move on respectfully. Life is too short to stay stuck.
Before you make a decision to throw in the towel and give up on a relationship, ask yourself honestly, if you have done everything in your power to try to save it first. Have you been completely vulnerable? Because vulnerability is the gateway to real love and it is not easy, but it is worth it.
“There can be no intimacy- emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, without vulnerability. One of the reasons there is such an intimacy deficit today is because we don’t know how to be vulnerable. It’s about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need. Vulnerability is a glue that holds intimate relationships together.” ~ Berne Brown
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I am Libby Shively McAvoy, a Personal Development and Relationship Coach specializing in Emotional Intelligence. I use my background and professional training in yoga, my coaching certifications and my life experience to coach, give motivational speeches, and write. I have overcome both physical and emotional abuse and I hope to awaken, empower and inspire others to stop living on autopilot and start living the life they love.
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