Relationships

How to Attract a Healthy Relationship And Keep it Strong

Stop sabotaging relationships, get out of your own way, and create a healthy partnership to celebrate life’s triumphs.

Self-Study

Relationships really do not need to be as difficult as we make them. Often, I believe we self-sabotage, many times subconsciously. I know I have self-sabotaged many relationships and it took a lot of self-study and reflection to understand what I was doing and where I was going wrong. The first step was building my own confidence to be the person I wanted to attract and breaking the self-limiting patterns that were holding me back from all that I desired.

Acceptance

Never expect someone to change. Accept your partner exactly as they are, or set them free and move on. Acceptance is paramount.

Forgiveness

We have to be able to forgive our partner, communicate about the good and the bad, be honest and build trust. But to be able to do that we need to feel safe and to know that we will be forgiven when we make mistakes because we inevitably will. That is truly the best part of a commitment is knowing your person is there for you through thick and thin and will not just walk away when the going gets tough. There is the caveat here, I feel I need to add, that it is understood you will each be faithful.

Leaving the past in the past

Leave the past in the past. Whether it is a previous argument or a previous relationship. Driving an issue into the ground is never healthy. Talking in circles or revisiting the same argument is also not helpful. Learn to resolve conflicts together as a team.

The Law of Attraction

Remember that your thoughts attract your outcomes. If you fear a lack of trust, you will attract unfaithfulness. If you are confident and loving, you will attract a loving healthy commitment. It is the Law of Attraction in action.

Why We Sabotage Relationships

“We self-sabotage relationships because: we are expecting pain, fearing the past repeating itself, not feeling worthy of the love we crave, To build a false sense of control before someone else hurts us, Predicting that we will be hurt so we make false assumptions, Listening to the same stories in our mind, so we cause pain to ourselves and to our partner proactively, to protect us from the possibility of it.” ~ The Behavior Therapist

Ironically, sometimes we fear a relationship being successful, so we subconsciously sabotage it the same way we self-sabotage a successful career. Other times, though, it means we have to be vulnerable enough to reveal our biggest insecurities which can be very uncomfortable. If you did not grow up with a secure attachment style this can also cause problems in adult relationships.

Communication

Be honest with yourself and your partner. Clear communication is vital. The timing of that communication, as well as non-verbal communication skills, are very important. I like to advise my clients to use “I statements” whenever possible because it shifts the blame away from your partner and puts the responsibility on you. For example, if I am upset or hurt a conversation, I have with my partner might look like this;

“I would really appreciate if we could talk. I am concerned that we are watching too much T.V. each night and we hardly ever have any deep conversations or go out and do fun things anymore. I am afraid you are losing interest in me.”

Do not look for or create unnecessary problems trying to get attention. Instead, be straightforward. Respect goes a long way in words and in action. Appreciate your partner. Praise them when they do small things that you enjoy. Let go of expectations and live in the moment. Finally, never compare your relationship to anyone else’s.

Fun

Be sure to have fun with your partner. Enjoy one another. This is a big one for me. My love language is quality time and conversation. I am all about the deep, soulful conversation. However, sometimes, I just need to keep it light and playful. Find a balance that works for you, but remember how important having fun together is.

Be the Person You Want to Attract

Finally, I think the most important aspect of a relationship is that we are most often attracted to the very mirror of who we really are. So, if you want to attract a genuine, honest, trustworthy, kind, passionate person, be that person. Emulate those qualities. We are energy and it all goes back to that Law of Attraction. What you put out is what you attract back, like a magnet.

“A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves.” ~ Author Unknown

Conclusion

Relationships are hard but worth the effort. It is wonderful to have a supportive partner to weather life’s storms with and to also celebrate life’s triumphs with. I like to think of it as being as simple as treating my partner the way I would want to be treated. If I do that it should all work out. It all starts with carefully choosing the right person, to begin with, and continuing to do our own self-work so that we remain confident and attractive partners to be with.

I am Libby Shively McAvoy. I have survived both physical and verbal abuse. I am a Personal Development and Relationship Coach specializing in emotional intelligence. I deeply believe that by teaching emotional intelligence we can increase empathy, confidence, and communication which will decrease the amount of violence and abuse happening in the world. If my writing and coaching help a few people I feel I have done my job. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I would love for you to comment. Sign up for my mailing list and if you are not a member of the Medium Partner Program click here to read unlimited articles.