Baby, I am Right Here

How men shut their wives up for no reason

I thought it was just my husband until I watched it on TV. One of the Real Housewives’ husbands interrupting his wife, going “Baby, I am right here,” to warn her she was talking too loudly.

A man can’t help but police the volume of a woman’s voice. They were not arguing. They were just talking. To him, it is unacceptable that her sound is at a 9, not at a reasonable, audible 7.

Last night, I was watching TV. My husband came in with a yada-yada talk about the housing market and insurance. I just wanted to enjoy a show before getting some sleep. But it comes with the marriage package: your husband wants to talk about something boring, you let them talk and pretend to care. Actually, you pretend to be impressed by how knowledgeable and eloquent he is. Even if it is 10:30 p.m. and your favorite show is on while he talks.

I followed the rules. While trying to hear my show without rudely raising the TV volume, I occasionally made eye contact with him and nodded. He started asking me questions. Opinions. I do not have an opinion about the middle class getting screwed by the lack of regulations and never again in this generation being able to buy a house. I have settled for the harsh reality: the American Dream is an overpromise and we will never own a house.

He kept asking me things. I started answering, still keeping the TV volume as it was. With the minimal attention I was actually giving to the topic and even the questions he was asking me, I started noticing him throwing little jabs at me. But I was not in the mood for arguing. I was not going to let that boring, useless talk, take away the attention my once-a-week entertainment hour deserved. And I was too tired to grant him space for his male toxicity.

Hoping he would shut up and let me watch my show, I used the commercial break to elaborate a little and come up with a conclusive thought. I was hoping for closure, so I could peacefully enjoy at least the last segment of the show. But, mid-sentence, he, who had been fairly loud, suddenly softened his voice to say, “baby, I am right here.”

That’s how modern-day husbands apply the old “Law of Chastisement,” which allowed them to discipline their wives just because they could. This century’s psychological domestic abuses creep in like cockroaches in the dark. Interrupting your favorite show to talk about housing and insurance at 10 p.m. and then tone policing you when you try to say a long, elaborate sentence.

“Baby, I am right here.” You loud, obnoxious woman. I am softening my voice because that is how I hurt you. You are saying something stupid, irrelevant, uninteresting, and you are being a loud, awful woman. Why do I put up with you?

I will answer that: because you are an insecure male, who has no one to talk to. Because, when your wife gives you the courtesy of her attention and engages in a conversation with you, you can’t help but chastise her. Because that’s how you feel good about yourself.

Showing off your deepest insecurities as a man disguised as self-control and imposing her the same level of self-control is the way you keep your power. Your silly, weak, laughable power.

I am going to let you in a little secret. No one respects you. You might hurt her with your tone policing. You may ruin her late-night entertainment all you want. You can smack her soul right before bed, just because you feel like it. But what you are doing, you do it to yourself. Killing the love she had for you means, you are the loneliest person on the planet.

You killed her love for you. She has reasons to stick around, so she will. She might even defend you. But not forever. When she is gone, you will have trouble understanding what happened. You will be angry and list all of her flaws. You will blame her for your unhappiness. You will remember controlling her as if you were doing her a favor.

You deserve to live the rest of your life miserably. Hanging out with men like you. Being used by women until you are completely useless to them. Having your children spend time with you until a healthy dose of joy and therapy leads them to a better place, also away from you. Don’t be mad at me for telling you. It is just the truth.

More from This Woman: