You Can Choose to Make Money

…and other horrible things men say to low-income women.

It stabbed my ears causing a pain sharper than the tooth in need of a root canal. “You can choose to make money” but rather, you might have been laid off, or perhaps you are working yourself to the bone, paycheck to paycheck.

He, who does not flinch filling up the tank wondering whether or not he will need to use that debit card for groceries later. The tank of the car he has the monthly payment for on autopay. He, who negotiated his salary because he never had a manager (sometimes a woman) start compensation discussions with, “this offer is not negotiable.”

He, who tells you, “you have a bad attitude” when you vented out over an experience with workplace harassment or discrimination. And, “you don’t speak for yourself” when you decided it’s best to wait until the next check comes in before circling back with Human Resources about your report. The complaint you filed which you never heard back from will likely get you — not the reported male — fired.

He, who wants a voice in deciding whether or not you should keep that baby. The baby you have to wonder whether or not you would lose to a broken foster system anyway. “You could choose to make money,” he says. Like a cheap motivational speaker (or an expensive life guru). As if the rules of the game were the same for men and women.

Sometimes he is your husband and he won’t help you take care of that root canal. Just like he won’t bring frozen meals to the house because “it’s cheaper to cook from scratch,” which is also your chore. He won’t get a robot vacuum cleaner — “That’s a big expense,” he says as he places his golf bag in the trunk of his car before heading to a “client meeting.”

“You can choose to make money” is only one of the many cruel things women have to hear from men quietly. I once heard, “you’re letting the victim in you define you” from a man when I explained why I supported the “me too” movement. I also heard I needed to “get my life together” when I maxed out a credit card with medical insurance co-pays for my kid’s pediatric visits. I couldn’t catch up with the interest to ever pay it in full. I don’t regret it, though. I was not shopping at a luxury venue. I was making sure my baby got her antibiotic prescriptions.

I challenge men to be supportive of women. Not by telling us what we could or should do. Not even by trying to walk in our shoes. I challenge men to pause before they speak to us. Let our words simmer. Ask us how you can genuinely help. Stop assuming we are allowed in the same rooms you are, with a seat at every table. Understand that simply asking for what we need is a big dare when you are a woman. Support women. You are who you are because at least one woman has made sacrifices.

More from This Woman: