The Longest Cold Shoulder I Ever Got

Painfully navigating my partner’s silent treatment

Another morning when he leaves the house and mumbles to the kids “I love you” while I stand in the living room, invisible. I lost count of the days this streak has been. Three weeks, maybe? A month? My ribs feel squeezed inside my chest. My frown is heavy. My eyes won’t look higher than a chair level. I space out as my girl talks to me.

I have imaginary conversations I fear having in real life. I hope for a resolution. I wonder if this is just another game. Perhaps it’s better this way. I take a look at the mirror. The joy has left my face along with its youth. The weight he once complained I put on is now heavy on my soul. Why can’t I lose it? Maybe that would grant me forgiveness.

I was sentenced to the silent treatment. Stonewalling. Even criminals know how long they will serve. I am trying to be released for good behavior. Instead of complaining, he didn’t answer, I shouldn’t have texted him at all. When he harshly criticized my daughter for what she was wearing, perhaps I should have let her cry. But I can’t. I can’t see a kid cry without consoling them. Especially my kids.

I wasn’t picking a fight. I wasn’t nagging. I am his wife, for God’s sake. And I have to protect my kids from emotional abuse. I warn him before the line is crossed and he crosses it anyway. They are helpless. I see them break a little. They are too young for this.

I justify my actions to myself. I am on trial. I want to read the judge’s mind. What happens next? Are we done? Again? This is exhausting. The porch door is open though the room has no air. Is this how love dies? Do we kill it with silence? I think men don’t like difficult conversations. They feel like they are being punched. The punch back is the cold shoulder.

I am now longing for the night when he will touch me as if nothing happened. It was all my imagination. I used to hate that. Pretending I hadn’t endured this pain just because he was done punishing me. I wanted to resolve things so the disagreement wouldn’t repeat itself. Now I just want my lungs to hold air again.

If we talk again, I can play this game too. Pretend nothing happened. Tell my kids it wasn't a big deal after all. I was worried for no reason. He is stressed out about work. I will do this and see how long I can stretch it. Until he is mad again. For the boundaries I set. I can’t take the boundaries down. My kids and I can’t get to the breaking point every time he is angry. I don’t think this is a plan.

He is home again. Says hello to the kids while dropping the mail on the table. I try, “how was your day?” The face mask mutes his words if there were any. He looks at me for a second. I feel a little better. While he is here, I will be open to anything. Perhaps he will be in a better mood. And if he won’t, tomorrow he will leave to work again. And I will sink into the quicksand of my emotions.

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