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How to Stop Your Ex From Abusing You When You Left Him

Shifting your focus without ignoring the pain.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

My Twitter friend Kim posted an emotional thread where she admitted to coming close to “ending it all.” Her desperation’s culprit was when she felt hit like a ton of bricks by her toxic ex-husband’s remarks about her to their young son. “Why won’t he leave me alone? I am trying to move on. I just want to not be mentioned by him at all. Why is he still abusing me through my son, who now comes to me to quote the names he uses to describe me (neurotic, over-reactive, negative, mean)? It shouldn’t hurt, but it does. He is poking an open wound that I am trying to heal.”

Women know how it works when we get out of mentally abusive relationships: we think it’s over, but toxic men are not done hurting us. They persist in telling friends, family (including our children) stories about us that portray us as “crazy women.” They may have been unhappy with us, but that doesn’t mean they will close the chapter. They want to write the end and be heroes even if it takes making us villains.

Reading Kim’s vulnerable tweets and recognizing myself in it, I shared with her my technique to cope with the pain caused by a horrible ex without bottling up your feelings. Here’s what I suggested, recognizing first that it is not a proven formula that will work for her, although it’s good to give it a shot.

When I read (on social media) or hear (from people I love) my ex’s remarks about me I wish I could prevent from getting to my eyes and ears, I let those words hurt for a moment. I let them simmer. I don’t fight the ache they bring to my chest. I can take it, and I remind myself of that.

Then I write his words on a dry-erase board, leaving them there for days or weeks. I write responses I come up with on the same panel — several of them. With every passing hour and day, my replies get better and better. I read them out loud — both his words and mine. Sometimes I call a friend and read my board to them. We share our outrage, and I get words of encouragement.

I keep the board up until the words stop bothering me. Until it all starts feeling old and silly. Until I can laugh at the whole thing. And believe me, I always laugh at it in the end. It is not a “laugh out loud” kind of laughter, but a gentle giggle that feels like a pat on my shoulder from my wisdom. Now I am ready to forget about it.

Finally, I erase the words entirely. I take the time. I enjoy it as if removing makeup in the evening or rinsing my wine glass. I am ready for the next round. I would rather not have another one, but that is out of my control. I can only take every opportunity to use my strength to heal, and I do.

More from This Woman:

Psychological Abuse
Marriage
Divorce
Mental Heath
Women
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