Parenting
At-Home Dads Are Good Parents Too
We own this job
I’ve been staying at home long before Covid-19 infected the nation.
In 2005, my wife and I married, and 5 years thereafter, our son was born. And since The Great Recession receded my real estate business faster than my hairline, we reviewed our finances and agreed that she’d be the one to work. The next thing I knew I was swapping business suits for sweat suits while being baptized by the fire that is childcare.
In the beginning, I couldn’t help but feel derailed into a role. In 2000, I earned an MBA from Northeastern University, moved to New York, and thought I’d be in a corner office on Wall Street negotiating pipeline deals through Uruguay. Little did I realize 9 years after 9/11, this little boy, along with his little sister, rocks my wallet and my world too.
Of course, parenting isn’t easy. Any one of them will tell you the goal is to have happy and healthy children. However, I’m ten years into this job, and the fact they’re still alive makes me think I’m starting to figure this parenting thing out.
Although moms still outnumber at-home dads, you’d think our communities would respect pops for breaking down gender stereotypes, especially when today, diversity is a thing. Come and meet us. We’re young, old, straight, gay, black, white, and Native American. We’re global spanning from Boston to Bangladesh and Sydney, Australia to Santa Barbara, CA.
We also run the gamut economically. Some of us have wives who lead Fortune 500 companies; others work part-time as Uber drivers; some even attend law schools at night. The point is, we’re everywhere.
It turns out it doesn’t work that way. Even in 2020, it is challenging to be an at-home dad, and for reasons I never imagined.
Here are five things that people get all wrong about us:
We are not career burnouts
The Great Recession helped swell a battalion of stay-at-home dads to around 2.2 million by 2010. As of December 2017, the figure was 1.75 million, a slight reduction, but still quite a few.
But a growing number of us are choosing this lifestyle rather than try simultaneously to search for a job and sand toys too. Still, many assume we’re watching the kids because we’re inept and lazy. A Boston College survey of at-home dads found “it was common for friends and family members of many of the fathers to regard their at-home role as temporary, wondering when they were going to get jobs.”
Moms want to talk to moms
My son wanted to play with a preschool friend, so I arranged it with his friend’s mother at a local playground. As soon as we arrived, she said hello and then took off to talk to some other mothers and never came back.
It was a humbling moment to say the least, because boy, did I have it all wrong. I thought while the kids play, the parents talk, get to know each other, and talk. I thought these conversations were more like a natural interview. You know, see if this person will become a friend and source of support, especially during those early years. Not so much. Instead, it’s kids play, mothers talk, and dads stand somewhere else altogether.
The bottom line is being an at-home dad is a tough gig, and for reasons you wouldn’t necessarily expect.
For generations, stay-at-home moms have been in the limelight for toiling with children and boredom hour by hour, day by day, without getting the support they deserve. But the irony is that some of these moms aren’t very good at welcoming dads doing the same work, especially in an era when women are joining their male counterparts everywhere from the boardroom to the gridiron.
I think dads tend to be pigeonholed into a JV parenting role-as if all we do is babysit as if we’re “there”. You know, let the kid eat candy and play in the stairwell while we sit with them and doomscroll.
Well, as Biden says, here’s the deal: Dads are doers. We love our kids because we’re perpetually harried and annoyed just like you. I know this because I’ve talked to too many of you about the beautiful, mind-numbing, cherished, hellish life of raising tots, and we all complain about how children are messy, smart, and, oftentimes, a pain in the ass. But do understand, we also fight 103 degree fevers at 4 am, we also play shoe store, and if that weren’t enough, we cook, clean, and fold bras too.
In other words, it’s time to have an open mind and get to know us. You might find we’ve got a lot in common.
Dads aren’t any better
With more hombres on the home front, you’d think I’d have a contingent of bromances. Ummm, not so much.
Oftentimes, I find dads have the personality of a decapitated Spiderman action figure. It’s true. I thought these guys would be more engaging. I’ve tried to talk to some of my fellow fathers, but they put up the kind of wall Trump brags about. Instead of engaging in brotherly banter about the NFL or our kids, they scowl into their smartphones. And after many, many years, I said, “Screw it, if you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em.” Now I do it too.
Perhaps the problem is they are embarrassed. After all, we live in a culture where men are judged more by their paychecks and craft beer choices than their children’s happiness. We all live and die by society’s hapless labels.
Just think, wouldn’t it be nice, for once, to be seen not as a black man, millennial, or soccer mom? Wouldn’t it be nice to be seen and understood for who you are, not what people think you represent? Hey look, I’m not a Frozen lover, but fellas, by all means, “Let it freakin’ go.”
We know we’re not perfect
Not long ago, my kids and I were hanging out in the backyard. As my daughter napped in a car seat beside me, my son ran around as kids do. I thought that was the perfect time to take a rare peek at SportsCenter on my iPhone. And wouldn’t you know it? Right then and there, my son took a nasty tumble down our slide.
My boy screamed in pain the whole way to the emergency room. I was grateful the nurse was so nice while she talked him through every step of the casting process and my boy was a champ through the whole thing. I’ll always remember him smiling on the way out, thanks to the lollipop the nurse gave him.
However, that was hardly the end of it. When I arrived home, I still needed to confront my wife. She and I agreed we need to pay more attention — me by keeping an eye on things, she through my brand new body-cam.
We still deserve your respect
As much as Dads struggle with breaking stereotypes, they have much to be thankful for. For instance, I once read a CNN report that women believe at-home fathers are sexy beasts for how we nurture our children and our scruffy beards. It’s nice to know we arouse something other than suspicion.
Yet, sexy is one thing, suitability is another. One survey found that 51 percent of respondents felt kids were better off with a stay-at-home mother than a working one. Only 8 percent felt the same way about a stay-at-home father. As I said, society would be a lot better off if we socially distanced from stigmatism — not just our fellow citizens.
So let’s have a little more respect for the stay-at-home dads who give it their all all day, every day. Every parent knows this job ain’t easy. Raising kids well takes guts, cool, and 18 years of Five Hour Energy. We’re trying to be a bedrock for boys and a go-to for girls, just like moms, and we’re succeeding more than we’re failing.
And if you need proof, see my wife. She’s got the video feed.
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