POLITICS
Anti-Equality Act Senator Joe Manchin Retires After Public Labeled His Non-Binary Political Identity
Government fluid
George Washington finally got his wish. The two-party American political system is dead.
Democrat Senator Joe Manchin once again strayed away from his political party by opposing West Virginia’s LGBTQ protection bill that regulates gender affirmative care in schools. Manchin defended himself by saying he thought the bill gave too much control on a federal level and not enough local control to enforce LGBTQ inclusion.
In other words, a Democrat defended his Republican action by giving a Republican reason.
Manchin’s transformation to a red man inspired the Washington Commanders to rename their team to the Washington Manchins.
We reached out to Manchin on his misleading the party he represents. Manchin shrugged.
“I take no accountability for my actions. I’ve just been freed from being brainwashed by terrorists to stall the government. I’m still recovering from my trauma.
“Furthermore, I’m not the first Democrat to vote conservative. Look at ex- Democrat Krysten Sinema. She loves LGBTQ, but banned vehicles in Arizona because they create abortions.
Manchin shook his head.
“Seriously. Both sides are going off the Richter scale. Republicans care too much about being fucked by Donald Trump. Democrats care too much about being fucked by pans. Isn’t that what they mean when these woke liberals come out as pansexual?
“I don’t want to put a concrete label on my political identity anymore. I feel so restricted being called something I don’t fully identify with. I just want to take my political expression one day at a time.
- I love giving tax breaks to the rich and opposing energy initiatives to bring back coal mining jobs to the local West Virginians. So I identify as Republican.
- I increased gun control to limit mass shootings. So I identify as a Democrat.
- I change my beliefs and identity on a daily basis. So I identify as George Santos.
“From now on, I’m politically fluid. I’ll be Republican one day. Democrat the next day. Depends on what I feel like. Or how much money corporations pay me to support their beliefs.”
Manchin’s stance was blasted by all Americans. Many felt he was playing both sides so he always came out on top. Shocked, Manchin responded.
“I’m surprised by the public ridiculing my stance to be everything, everywhere, all at once. Especially since they found that stance worthy of an Oscar.
“I’m not the only politician to go with my feelings in the moment.
- Kari Lake lost the Arizona Governor race in the 2022 Midterms. Yet, she identifies as a Governor. Lake is the first trans-profession celebrity in America! But why does she want to identify as Governor? Given that Lake vows to massacre any Republican who opposes her views, she should identify as Führer.
- Congressman Jim Jordan identifies as an American. Yet, he preaches anti-American principles, communism, and the Soviet Union.
- Herschel Walker identifies as a sensible human. Even though he acts like a child. He was even disqualified from the 2022 Georgia Senator Race for being young enough to seduce Matt Gaetz.
“We Republicans have been changing identities before LGBTQ made it popular. Why else would our own Ron DeSantis kidnap LGBTQ youth as payback?
Manchin slammed his palms.
“This is who I AM! If Americans refuses to accept me, then I have no desire to represent their best interests. When my term ends, I’ll retire.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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