POLITICS

Nonpartisan Terrorists Accused Of Brainwashing Senator Joe Manchin Into Dismantling Political Parties

Extreme ways are back again

Extreme ways are back again. This time, American political parties are in danger.

FBI chief Christopher A. Wray disclosed this shocking conspiracy, one that could be described as Eric Trump’s wet dream. “For years, we FBI agents been operating under orders that contradicted what our politicians stood for. The hypocrisy of our elected officials was deeply maddening. Nancy Pelosi promised to go after Wall Street for insider trading, yet illegally traded shares for herself and her husband. Lauren Boebert vowed to go after pedophiles, yet still protected the one she is married to. Mitch McConnell criticized the Capitol Riot as a terrorist attack, yet repeatedly voted down efforts to investigate into this domestic terrorism. Andrew Cuomo championed women’s rights in public, yet sexually assaulted them in private. Congressmen from both parties have circumvented laws to keep themselves out of trouble and to avoid accountability for their actions. All these people have hurt our efforts to keep this country safe from deplorable creatures.

“We were suspicious of this insincerity. Are all these politicians influenced by factors beyond their control? Not sex or money, but psychological manipulation. We couldn’t prove our suspicions after monitoring Pelosi, Boebert, McConnell, and Cuomo. We did so when we investigated Senator Joe Manchin.

“When Manchin ran for West Virginia, he labeled himself as a Democrat. We were initially surprised, as West Virginia is populated by poor white trash who voted Republican. Perhaps they finally realized that conservative politicans took advantage of them. As time went on, Manchin started voting for policies that pissed off his Democratic Party colleagues.

• Democrats supported cleaner environment bills. Manchin blocked such efforts. Originally, we believed that Manchin was protecting his son’s coal mining business.
• Democrats supported lower prescription pills to make pills and healthcare affordable for people. Manchin blocked such efforts. Originally, we believed that Manchin was protecting his daughter’s pharmaceutical company.
• Democrats supported pro-choice. Manchin voted for pro-life efforts. We still don’t know why.
• Democrats supported voting bills to make it easier for poor minorities to vote in the upcoming election. Manchin blocked such efforts. We still don’t know why.

“We were surprised that Manchin was the first Democrat to go against his core platform. We thought Manchin was either a rogue agent or a Republican rat. We were about to arrest him for deceiving his party, but realized that he voted for policies that angered his friends of the Republican Party.

• NRA supported him for lenient gun control. Following Sandy Hook, Manchin supported bills to perform stricter background checks on gun buyers. NRA later attacked Manchin in their ads.
• Republicans oil billionaires donated to Manchin for coal and oil breaks. However, they turned on him after Manchin increased their taxes in other areas.
• Conservative West Virginians were shocked that Manchin “ruined” America’s military. Manchin criticized US military presence in Afghanistan, and supported troop withdrawal. Manchin also voted against a ban on transgender service. Manchin’s supporters attacked him for terrorizing the sanctity of marriage.

“Manchin’s track record is so inconsistent that we asked him what his allegiance is. Manchin stated that he identifies as a moderate conservative Democrat. We were surprised that such a term exists. Did Manchin decide to hoard all the different party classes for himself? How does he identify with everything? We normal humans pick one party and stick with it. Political allegiances are labels, not gender identifications.

“We thought Manchin was covering up his motives to help out his children. This is an illegal act of nepotism, and we spied on Manchin to get more proof to arrest him. We instead resolved a case we’ve been trying to close for years: Operation Threatstone.

“Operation Threatstone is a top-secret program formed by a group of ex-government officials. This group, known as the Sons of Washington, have spent years kidnapping congressmen and brainwashing them through psychological tactics and behavior modifications. Once these congressmen were broken down emotionally and mentally, they carried out orders from the Sons of Washington. These orders forced the hypnotized congressmen to act against their own interests, thus stalling government operations. Whenever progress was made on one end, the congressmen would block progression by voting for beliefs of the opposing party.

“This wasteful efficiency angered tons of Americans, including us. We searched for years to find who was manipulating these political puppets. Thanks to Manchin, we tracked down the ring leader Noah Vosenheimer. We have officially disbanded the Sons of Washington and arrested the appropriate individuals.”

We were impressed that the FBI discovered how a handful of citizens created Jason Bore. That being said, we wondered what Vosenheimer’s motives were. Wray allowed us to interview Vosenheimer, who revealed the following.

“We are not a political group. We are an anarchist group! Our goal is to carry out our founding father’s orders and destroy the government from within!” Confused, we asked what founding father wanted the government destroyed. “Why, our first president of course! The honorable George Washington!”

We asked why Washington would order a government, one he helped design, to be dismantled. “This wasn’t the government Washington envisioned,” Vosenheimer snapped back. “When Washington resigned, he gave us a warning to never have two political parties. These parties will do nothing but stall efforts to improve the country. As Americans, we did the one thing we’re good at: ignore him for our right to live how we please. Now, we live in a society where we vote for the opposing party 4 years after the current party is elected in office. The opposing party spends those years undoing the actions of the previous party. The previous party then gets elected 4 years later to undo the actions of the opposing party.”

Vosenheimer slammed his fists. “Washington warned us, but we didn’t listen! It’s time to take matters into our own hands. We need to constantly remind people how ineffective this two-party system is. 4 years is a long time for them to forget. We kidnapped elected politicians, brainwashed them to listen to us, and released them back into civilization. We disguised ourselves as janitors, chefs, assistants, secret service agents, and limo drivers to command these politicians to act against their interests.”

Vosenheimer sighed and shook his head. “We struggled to find the right candidates to carry out our orders. Some of them rebelled, some of them committed suicide, and some of them stepped down. We spent years honing our brainwashing techniques to no avail. That all changed in 2005, when we kidnapped Governor Joe Manchin.

“Manchin was the only candidate who responded perfectly to our program. We could manipulate him at will! He carried out our orders without question in order to destroy both Republicans and the Democrats! He blocked healthcare, blocked military spending in the Middle East, blocked environmental laws, and so much more! Manchin is the best political puppet we ever created!” Vosenheimer beamed. “We have created America’s Manchin-ian Candidate!”

Wray came back to escort Vosenheimer out of the room, as the latter’s visiting time was up. We asked Wray if this meant that Manchin will be discharged from the government. Wray said it should, but President Joe Biden had other plans. After his horrendous pull-out game from Afghanistan, Biden sought to get revenge on the Taliban for making him look idiotic. Wray disclosed that Biden desired to command a brainwashed Manchin to infiltrate the Taliban’s ranks and disband Afghanistan’s ruling political party through stalling.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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