An Open Letter to My Transgender Daughter
I’m glad I let you show me who you were
Dear Teddy,
You were my firstborn child. Meeting you was the most profound moment of my life. As I held you in my arms for the first time, I felt maternal instinct rush over me, covering me in a new understanding of my place in this world. I was suddenly fierce, when before I had been timid.
You were fierce too. I hadn’t expected you to cry quite as much as you did. But I listened when you cried, even when they told me not to. They told me I had to let you cry yourself to sleep, but it never felt right to me. I followed my instincts. Because for you, I finally learned to listen to them.
I swayed you in my arms, night and day, to assuage you, to return you for an instant to the safe feeling of being held that you had become accustomed to in the womb.
In those tender moments, I became acutely aware that although you had begun this life as an extension of my physical body — something nursed into existence by the tether within me — you were very much your own self. And your self was a stranger to me. My job wasn’t to shape you into something but to know you.
I held you most of that first year. And as I held you, I told you over and over again — teach me who you are. Teach me, and I promise you — I will listen.
And wow, have I been rewarded for this promise. I didn’t expect you: your bravery, your commitment to authenticity, your trust and your passion. I didn’t expect you, but I am deeply honored to know and love you.
You told me at three years old that you were a girl, not a boy. I remembered my promise — to let you teach me who you were, and so I said, “okay.”
Your face lit up. I didn’t understand much about what it meant to be transgender back then. I hadn’t known anybody who was. But what I understood is that you knew yourself better than I did, and it was my job to learn about you from the expert — you!
Since then, you’ve affirmed over and over that you are my daughter, and not my son. And the light in your eyes when we mirror that affirmation back to you — it’s priceless. I wouldn’t trade those moments for a billion dollars.
School’s been hard. You haven’t always been accepted, especially by other girls. Gatekeeping is tough. I remember well from my own childhood how devastating it can be when other children don’t accept you or a part of you. But while I learned to mask and hide the parts of myself that didn’t “fit in”, you have never wavered in the pride you hold of your true self.
I deeply admire you for this. It takes guts to be unapologetically you, especially when so many people (children and adults) are deeply invested in telling you to be someone else. I’ve never seen bravery quite like your own, and you are so young! I am so very proud to know and love you.
Daughter, living authentically isn’t easy, but you do it with grace. You’ve in fact inspired me to be truer to myself and stop caring so much about what others think. I want you to know that it is okay if it’s too much for you sometimes too. You will always have me and the rest of our family — we are 100% in your corner.
We love you. We support you. We trust you.
I also see your peers out there who are on similar journeys to your own. Some of them are doing it without the support of their families. I am in awe of them too. And I promise, as an adult in this often cruel world, I will use whatever power I have to make life a little easier for them as well.
Children shouldn’t have to be this strong.
With Love,
Mommy
I wrote this piece in response to James Finn’s prompt celebrating this years Transgender Awareness Week. Thank you James for this prompt. It’s been a hard year filled with anti-transgender bigotry, and showing the community some love is the perfect prompt.
Rita Malone is a writer and parent. Follow along for an honest take on parenting. Autism. Gender. Snippets of family life coloring outside the lines. The pen name and aliases are to protect her children’s identities.
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This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, Let’s Show Some Transgender Love.
