An Ode to the Underappreciated Vagina

Celebrating the pleasure potential of this mysterious part of the female anatomy

Ever since I started reading “how to be a good lover” books when I was 19, I noticed that most of them delivered intricately detailed descriptions of the penis, what it does, how it works, and most importantly, how to make it happy.

When it came to instruction on women’s bodies, I found it interesting that there was not as much information, and of what there was, everything centered on the clit. I had already discovered, long ago, how much I enjoyed having my breasts and nipples touched and teased. Why on earth wasn’t that in those books? There were so many types of touch I enjoyed — and needed in order to climax. Why hadn’t those books covered all the female erogenous zones in great detail?

When I was in my thirties and had begun an intimate relationship that was much deeper than anything I had experienced before, I discovered a whole new layer of sexual pleasure that hadn’t been covered in those books and had somehow escaped my notice with previous partners: the pleasure of penetration.

Don’t get me wrong — despite being sexually attracted to all genders, I’ve always known how much I enjoy the feeling of a penis inside me. I just didn’t realize how intensely pleasurable the experience could be until I was with my last partner.

As I came to discover, my vagina was an endless exploration of previously-unrealized, joint-trembling ecstasy. There were moments and movements I came to rely on again and again, as cherished aspects of my sexual experiences, as well as locations, rhythms, and pressures that I had never experienced before that made me feel like fireworks were literally coming out of my fingers and toes.

Again I wondered: Where was this information in all those sex books I had read? I’d learned the various sensitivities of every centimeter of a man’s dick, how to work one’s way around the balls, and at least 20 things I could do to the tip of a penis to make a guy’s eyes roll back in his head. I’d read every technique about how to operate a clitoris and I’d already test-driven most of that information while exploring my own body.

So why weren’t there a dozen diagrams of the vagina, centimeter by centimeter as I had seen with the penis? Why wasn’t there more information offered beyond just the location of the G-spot (which apparently is actually the internal aspect of the clitoris)?

I still find that sexual resources don’t tend to spend much time on the vagina, opting, instead, to focus on the clitoris. That’s an understandable choice, considering the fact that so many of us need clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, but I also think we’re missing out on talking about one of the most satisfying aspects of sex.

During most sexual experiences, my hunger culminates in one all-consuming need: To have a dick (or dick substitute) inside me. I want this installment of Howl to be a celebration of that hunger — for myself, for all women, and for the men who might not know just how fucking good it feels from our perspective.

The First Moment of Connection

Though I always loved the feeling of being penetrated, it was an act that caused me a lot of anxiety when I first became sexually active. I was so bound by my sexual shame that it’s a wonder to me how I was ever able to let go enough to orgasm with my first boyfriend. All of the shame and anxiety made it very difficult for me to relax, and as such, even if we spent a lot of time touching and kissing, when he’d attempt to slide inside me, I’d always be so tense, it would make his entrance painful.

I know pain during penetration can be a problem for many women and is often caused by anxiety, an inability to relax, feelings of sexual shame, and/or just not being physically ready. Lube can help with this, but when painful penetration is the cause of emotional blocks, then I say fix the root cause. I think a lot of women store fear, shame, and trauma in their vaginas, and we can lube them up and go about business as much as we want — but we won’t be able to open up inside and feel the kind of pleasure we want to feel until we can truly open up, emotionally.

And if it’s a physical issue, then dammit, just keep kissing and touching until it feels ready. Your vagina deserves your respect and the respect of your partner. Don’t expect it to swing its doors wide open two minutes after you start fooling around.

What a miracle it was for me to work through my own shame and emotional issues and find that penetration not only didn’t have to hurt but that it could be one of the most pleasurable moments of sex.

That first time during a sexual encounter when a man slides inside me…holy shit. I know I’ve been graphic about this before, but what the hell, let’s go for it again. There is an incredibly tight band of muscles at the base of the vagina and when a penis makes that first pass through it…phew. I get wet just thinking about it.

We can feel every detail of the topography of the penis entering us (if it’s slow enough) and it’s fucking electrifying. That ring of muscle relaxes throughout the sexual encounter, and never again feels so deliciously tight — until the next time you have sex, of course.

All the Delicious Places Inside

I’m partly convinced that the reason we don’t see a lot of information about the vagina is because it’s such a mysterious, secretive little place. (That, and the fact that historically, we have not prioritized sexual studies on women.) Hell, I have a vagina and I can’t draw you any maps or give you any instructions on how to get someplace in there, until you’re already in — and then I can only lead you by the sensations I’m feeling.

Similarly, that’s all I have to go on here, in my writing, so bear with me.

First of all, if you’re going to explore the pleasure of vaginal stimulation, all partners have to be on board. Jackrabbiting is not going to achieve this directive. Super hard, fast pounding, while sometimes pleasurable, does not capitalize on the kind of pleasure the vagina is capable of experiencing. The fast movement can be numbing, the pleasure mostly coming from the impact, rather than the sensations the vagina can pick up when thrusting is performed at a slower pace.

Ladies, if you really want to enjoy vaginal stimulation during thrusting, I’ve found the best way to do this is to get into positions that assist in the process. I prefer two positions for this: doggy-style and cowgirl.

My vagina is a huge fan of doggy-style. At that angle, my partner’s penis put a lot of pressure on the front wall of my vagina (where the internal aspect of the clitoris is located), but also, it allowed him to get in pretty deep without hitting my cervix. And let me tell you — deep is good.

I was never able to orgasm in this position because I was too ashamed to give myself a little clitoral stimulation and too embarrassed to ask my partner to do it for me. (What a waste of good orgasms…) But I’d often opt for this position just to get me riled up and ready to pop.

Cowgirl, however, is where things get really good. Gravity is working in your favor. Each time he moves further into you, you can feel the flesh inside you parting, opening — especially if the movement is slow and steady. And as the object of your pleasure slides out, it gently pulls at your insides. I rarely used lube, in fact, because I loved letting myself get just a little bit dry at the outside edge of my vagina. This dry skin would catch against my partner’s penis as he slid out of me, tugging it, and it would drive me wild.

Best of all, guys, as she gets more and more turned on with each thrust when in this position, her vagina will start “grabbing,” involuntarily contracting as the penis slides out, as if trying to keep it from retreating. This can build up to powerful orgasms for her, and I’ve been told that it’s intensely pleasurable for the male partner.

Climaxing

Whenever I was able to really concentrate on the vaginal stimulation I received during sex, I had incredible orgasms — especially when I was on top. (Though don’t get me wrong — they weren’t “better,” per se. I think it’s nonsense to rate orgasms and that we should appreciate all of them.) I definitely need varied stimulation in order to come — especially clitoral — but there are numerous ways that my vagina has brought me to intense climaxes.

As I mentioned, when I get a little dry and feel that tugging sensation during thrusting, it can often topple me into an orgasm. Feeling the tip of a penis sliding across certain areas of my vagina over and over (which required being in very particular positions) is another technique that reliably brought me to orgasm.

And…if I bent forward in cowgirl and my partner got really deep into me, he would hit a spot inside me that was so sensitive, just a few strikes of impact would set me off like nothing else. That particular stimulation created orgasms so strong, I could feel every muscle in the center of my body clenching, pulling tightly at my partner’s penis. He said most of the time it was impossible for him to hold himself back during one of these orgasms because I’d squeeze him so hard (involuntarily) that he couldn’t stop himself from coming.

Believe me, I didn’t mind. Orgasms like that were mind-blowing. I didn’t need a follow-up.

The Details Matter

My experience with previous partners never enlightened me to the intense pleasure that the vagina is capable of experiencing and spreading to the rest of the body. In the early days of my sexual encounters, I couldn’t get past my shame and anxiety, and later, I had very selfish partners. It was a revelation for me to discover this aspect of sexual fulfillment with my last partner.

Ladies, in order to fully explore this, you have to be patient and curious — and so does your partner. You have to try lots of positions and postures — as I said, even just bending forward while in cowgirl, you can completely change the sensations. Positions and postures can change the angle of your partner’s entrance and the depth he can achieve — both factors make a big difference.

A male reader once commented to me that the angle doesn’t matter — the sensation of being enveloped inside a vagina is overwhelmingly pleasurable from every position. Well, guess what, guys? To us, it matters a great deal. Your position and the angle of your thrusting can mean the difference between extreme pain and overwhelming, pre-orgasmic pleasure.

Ladies, in order to explore this pleasure potential, I highly recommend you do some research on your own. Get a good sex toy and play around with different angles, positions, and speeds. This is how I learned to find the positions and postures that really got me off. Sometimes, it’s easier to let go and experiment when you’re on your own. (Also, it’s a great way to find extraordinarily satisfying ways to pleasure yourself — and you should be doing that, regularly, in or out of a relationship.)

Also, I think it’s essential not to attach the goal of orgasm to this exploration whether you are alone or with a partner. That kind of pressure can kill pleasure so easily. Focus on the sensations. Go slowly. Then even slower. Make micro-adjustments. Stop and enjoy yourself for a bit when you find a particularly pleasurable sensation. Trust me, these sensations will eventually culminate in orgasms — most reliably when you aren’t chasing them.

Vagina Equality

I think the vagina is unfairly eclipsed. We’ve paid such excruciating attention to the penis, and eventually, we got around to giving the clitoris the attention she deserved. But we are still ignoring or under-appreciating parts of the female anatomy that can bring us so much pleasure.

Admittedly, the vagina is not an easy part of the body to map or navigate — you can only do it by sensation. But damn, what a pleasure it is to take on that challenge — for us and for our partners.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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