Howl

What I Wish I Had Told Past Lovers About How to Touch My Clit

It’s sensitive and temperamental and…it’s in charge

I should begin by saying that I’ve been exceedingly blessed that most of my former partners understood what a clitoris was, and, just as importantly, knew how to find it. But they often didn’t know what to do with it during sustained periods of stimulation.

Please excuse the generalization, but I suspect some men have a hard time understanding how sensitive and mercurial the clitoris is. And trying to direct a lover in the art of stimulating the very specific and unique clitoral needs sometimes requires blow-by-blow, second-to-second instruction.

My former partners did not always respond well to this. One felt I was being selfish when I asked more than once for a change in motion, and another got angry, accusing me of thinking he was a bad lover. (I didn’t and he wasn’t.)

By the time I met my last partner, I was determined to be as open as I could with him about clitoral stimulation, but I also, as always, wanted to be mindful of his feelings and make sure he felt that I appreciated his attention and skill.

Still, I struggled. Whether orally or digitally, he would press on my clit so hard. I would say, “Softer, please,” and give him a yes when he eased up, but then he’d go right back to the pressure, and I’d say “Softer,” again, and again, he would immediately return to the pressure, and at that point, I’d give up, tugging him into a new position, worried I might hurt his feelings if I kept instructing him.

My past lovers seemed to enjoy hard, sustained (but not too sustained) pressure on the penis, especially at the head. I came to understand that they were giving me the kind of stimulation they liked. My last partner, on several occasions, said I couldn’t possibly get off with as little pressure as I was asking him for. “I’m barely touching you!” he said.

But yeah, that’s the way the clit works. It’s a mysterious little creature.

I had a hard time telling my partners what I needed. Just in case your partner is having the same problem, I’ll tell you what I would’ve told them.

Let her tell you exactly what to do

A lot of women are dealing with shame in the bedroom and have a hard time opening up about what they want and need. Further, many of us have had partners struggling with insecurity who have not responded well to our feedback. It can be hard for us to give instructions when we are worried that a partner might become frustrated, angry, or sensitive, or that we might hurt his feelings or diminish his sexual confidence.

In light of this, very explicitly give your partner permission to dictate instructions to you like she’s reading from a script. Assure her that she can make any request and you won’t take it as criticism.

Most women really, truly care about making their partners feel good in bed — not just physically, but emotionally. We want our partners to feel confident and proud of their skills as a lover. But this often leads us to clam up instead of verbalizing our needs.

Let her know that it will turn you on to please her, and you’re happy to learn how, even if that means listening to a constant string of instructions and requests. Remind her that the better you understand how her body works, the less she’ll have to talk you through it in the future.

Ease up - and then ease up some more

When your lady said, “Slower,” or “Softer,” slow down or ease up, and then slow down or ease up again…and then again. Whatever you think she means by slower or softer, multiply that by three and you’ll be closer to what she actually needs than what you think she needs.

Like my last partner, you might be surprised by how light a touch a woman sometimes needs.

Direct or indirect?

She might not like to be touched directly on her clitoris. Some women are so sensitive there, it’s just too much. Try “clit-adjacent” touching — around the inner labia, just above the clit, or along its sides. I love to have my clit touched, but I also enjoy it when a partner licks or strokes the less sensitive outer edges.

If you decide to go for a strong move (like motor-boating her labia with your lips on her clit, so commonly seen in porn films, or the slurping, hard clit suck), realize that she might not like it. Those are very strong sensations that can overwhelm clitoral sensitivity.

My partner used to love sucking on my clit, very hard, and it took me months to work up the courage to tell him I didn’t like it. It made me go numb there. (I possibly would’ve involuntarily punched him if he had motor-boated me.)

As I was eventually able to tell him, I much preferred an exquisitely gentle, barely noticeable suck and a nibble with his lips.

Going under the hood

You know that little spherical nub at the top of the vulva — the “pearl” so many attentive lovers carefully search for during a sexual encounter? This is often referred to as “the clitoris” even though the clitoris is actually much, much more extensive than that.

For some women, arousal pops this little nub out from under the folds of flesh (the hood) that usually lay over it. For others (myself included), the clitoral head remains under the hood, no matter how aroused we become.

There’s a reason this little nub is covered with a protective fold of flesh. It’s excruciatingly sensitive. Some of us do not like this area to be touched directly, despite the mainstream belief that all women want direct stimulation there. Personally, I do not like to be touched there — it blows my circuits. I prefer stimulation of the clitoral hood, which tones down the sensation enough for me to enjoy it.

We’re all different, so of course there are plenty of women who do like direct stimulation. But in light of how sensitive this area is, make sure to ask before you go poking around under the hood and make sure she’s okay with the stimulation you give. If she is extra sensitive there, this is an easy way to fry her nerve endings, making it hard for her to orgasm.

Don’t expect to be able to pleasure her using the techniques you learned by watching her masturbate

Watching her pleasure herself isn’t necessarily going to teach you how to get her off. I have never been able to climax from a man using my own techniques on my clit. When I’m masturbating, I actually do like a firm pressure and I move my finger in fast spirals. But I’m constantly adjusting the pressure and moving my finger in micro-millimeters to keep from numbing my clit. These alterations are happening second-by-second, and are mostly invisible to someone watching. I could never figure out how to translate those moves to a lover’s fingers without hooking him up to my nervous system so he could feel what I was feeling.

I much preferred different actions from a lover — longer, softer strokes, moderately pressured spirals, gentle licks, light nudges back and forth.

If you’re able to mimic how she pleases herself, bravo! If you have a lover like me who can’t quite figure out how to make those techniques work outside of masturbation, find out what other actions please her.

Check in as arousal increases

For some women, as their clitoral area becomes more swollen with arousal, we get even more sensitive, which might mean you need to back off on speed and pressure even more as she gets closer to orgasm.

For others, increased arousal in this area can mean we need more stimulation, and you might hear your partner making requests like “harder,” or “faster.”

Different times in her cycle might also affect her levels of sensitivity. One week, she might want heavy pressure right before climax, and the next, she might need a feather-light touch in order to come.

The clit is bigger than you think

When we talk about the clitoris, we tend to mean the knob of flesh between the labia, but the clitoris actually extends into the body, as well, running down the length of the outer vaginal walls. Some researchers say that the G-spot is actually the internal legs of the clitoris.

So when you are orally or manually pleasing your lady, make sure to stimulate the parts of her clit that aren’t visible from the outside.

Men of the world, please do not let your female partners be like me, stumbling around in bed, trying to eke out their orgasms through indirect, self-guided clitoral stimulation because they are too scared to tell you what they want. Get in there and encourage them to declare what they need and how they need it. Don’t let them edit or silence themselves when they are longing to ask you to just move the slightest bit to the left…and then back to the right…and then a little lower, and then…

And if you are feeling insecure, or have felt insecure in the past, throw off that heavy weight. This isn’t about you or your prowess as a lover. This is about the fact that a clitoris has more than 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as there are on the head of the penis) and is one of the most temperamental pieces of machinery on the human body.

That just means you have to be open to hearing a loooong string of requests and feedback, none of which are indicative of you doing a bad job. You’re not. You’re a fucking stud. This is just the way the clit works — she needs a lot of very specific enticements before she can unfold into orgasm.

The trick about the clitoris is that it’s not actually mysterious, at all. It knows exactly what it wants. Women just need the confidence and space in which to voice those wants and a partner willing, secure, and generous enough to listen.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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