Howl

Ladies, Are You Masturbating Enough?

Let’s talk about why we should embrace a regular practice of self-pleasuring

Have you ever noticed how often people talk or joke about male masturbation? I remember my first sex ed class in which our (male) teacher went over the chapter on masturbation and made several jokes about how hard it is for young men to keep their hands off themselves.

Despite the fact that I respect the hell out of him for taking on that class of hormone-soaked, overtly horny 15-year-olds and trying to talk to us about sex, as a woman I also want to scream and stomp my feet. How many times did I hear how normal it was for boys to masturbate? That it was a biological necessity?

Umm, excuse me? Where was the teacher (or parent, or aunt, or mentor) who would affirm the normalcy of female masturbation? Who would speak up for the necessity of female sexual gratification?

In my life, aside from my mother (who was mostly quiet on this subject until later in my life), there was no one. No advocate to encourage female self-pleasure.

So here I am, speaking out about this. I’m going to be your cheerleader and hopefully, by the time you finish this piece, you’re gonna slip out of your panties and go have a little fun with yourself…

When I lived in Santa Fe, I had an amazing friend who once confronted me after a series of disastrous sexual encounters, suggesting that my desperate pursuit of sexual pleasure from inappropriate partners might be the result of my failure to take care of myself.

“Honey? Are you masturbating enough?” she asked, as casually as someone might ask whether or not the bus had arrived.

As a matter of fact, no, I wasn’t. I had all kinds of issues around masturbation. Sometimes, I felt ashamed about it, as if not getting sexual pleasure from a partner somehow made me undesirable and unlovable. Sometimes, I felt embarrassed by the strength of my desire. Sometimes, I felt dirty about giving myself pleasure.

“Honey? Are you masturbating enough?”

I started releasing some of these restrictive beliefs when I was in my thirties and with a partner who loved to watch me masturbate. Unfortunately, I was never able to fully engage in the process or let go enough to orgasm while his eyes were on me — a disappointment he shared. But it started helping me strip away the shame of the act.

I rarely masturbated by myself during the years we were together. I had grown up believing that women who have a satisfying sex life don’t need to masturbate. (Thanks, patriarchy!) So I only occasionally indulged.

It wasn’t until our relationship ended and I hit my 40s that I became invested in taking extra good care of myself with regular solo fun.

Ladies, let’s get something clear right now: You should be getting it on with yourself on a regular basis. This commitment to your own pleasure should be as strong as your commitment to eating when you are hungry or getting as much sleep as you can.

Masturbation should be considered basic self-care. I’ve discovered that nourishing myself in this way is life-altering.

Let me emphasize that I’m not talking about cranking out a quiet orgasm while you’re lying under the sheets. I’m talking about giving yourself a raging good tumble. Here are some things you need to do to take this seriously — because your pleasure is serious business:

Get yourself some toys.

Your fingers are great in a pinch, but please, please, find yourself some good toys. Honestly, they take masturbation from good to fucking euphoric.

Get naked.

If you’re in a time pinch, sure, stick your hand down your pants and go for it. But whenever you can, take off all your clothes, just like you might do with a partner. Feel into your body and let yourself be exposed.

Try different positions.

For heaven’s sake, get off your back. Over the last year, I have found that I’ve been missing out on the most amazing orgasms because I never ventured out of “self-missionary.” Sure, that’s a fun position, but dear heavens, things happen when you are bent over, leaning forward, moving sideways, whatever.

You should be twisting yourself into knots. There’s not a week that goes by that I don’t give myself a sex sprain. If my neck isn’t killing me, or my shoulder aching, clearly, I’m not doing my job.

Let yourself go.

This is hard for me, even when I’m by myself. I still have to work my way out of old shame-based beliefs when I’m having a little fun with myself. I literally have to talk myself into relaxing, into embracing the pleasure.

It can be hard for women to act like no one is watching, even when no one is watching. It can be hard for us to truly let go. This is good practice in doing that.

Act like you’re with a lover.

Do not treat masturbation like sexual sloppy seconds. This isn’t something to get you by until your next sexual encounter or an inferior way to get off. Masturbation is sex, and should be treated as such.

Let yourself express your pleasure the way you might do with a partner. Go for it. Moan, groan, grunt, scream. I’m quite certain my neighbors think I’ve found a hot new lover over the summer because I have been howling all season long with the windows wide open.

And let yourself move! I can remember masturbating in my twenties the way Victorians might have had sex. You know the picture — the woman on her back, eyes closed, completely silent, “thinking of England.”

No, my dears, no. Now I have a good time thrashing about so fiercely that I literally have to brush knots out of my hair when I’m done.

Schedule it.

Yes, we live in a world where couples often have to schedule sexual activity and we’re embracing that, which is fantastic. Do what you have to do to connect and indulge in pleasure — whatever it takes.

But dammit, do that for yourself, too. I’m so annoyed that I wasted so many opportunities to indulge in this pleasure because I was “too busy” working on deadlines or dealing with personal issues. Honestly, I think if I’d taken more time to have more orgasms, I would’ve been a lot happier and more efficient.

Now, I prioritize orgasms the same way I make sure to have a daily cup of tea. I have the luxury of freelancing right now, so I’ll often indulge in a solo-nooner — just because I can. And you can be damn sure I’m going to nod off for the night in post-orgasmic bliss more often than not.

I don’t put any limits on myself in terms of self-pleasuring anymore. I don’t wait until I’ve finished a project before indulging — I’ve found I’m much faster and more focused after I’ve had a little fun. I don’t limit myself to one session every day or two. I have an extremely high sex drive (obviously), so dammit, I will fit in as many orgasms as my body asks for.

I’m always fascinated when I speak up about “equality in masturbation.” But men need it more than women, so many people have said to me. Many men have told me that it’s literally a necessity in order for them to be able to focus on other tasks.

I always laugh at this. First of all, no one needs to rationalize masturbation to me. I don’t care why men masturbate — I will fully support their need and desire to tug that chain as often as they want. Ask my exes. They’ll confirm this.

Secondly, I think there’s some sexism inherent in the belief that women don’t “need” to masturbate or that we don’t have a similar drive to experience sexual release. While women do indeed have varying levels of sexual desire throughout the month (yes, I realize not everyone is as jacked up as I am all the time), I feel confident in stating that some of our apathy and inertia around masturbation is fueled by our culture’s failure to support the expression and realization of female sexual pleasure.

I believe we’d behave a lot differently if we had been exposed to the normalization of female masturbation the way we were to male masturbation. I think we might indulge more if we were taught to prioritize our pleasure the way men are taught to prioritize theirs.

So yes, ladies, I think it’s time that we take a lesson from men here. Let’s start allowing ourselves to regularly experience this most basic human pleasure. Let’s take it as seriously (and yet as casually) as men take it. Let’s just add it to our regularly daily scheduled activities, like brushing our teeth and washing the dishes.

…our inertia around masturbation is fueled by our culture’s failure to support the expression and realization of female sexual pleasure.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that prioritizing and practicing high-quality (or frankly, even low-quality) masturbation has made a huge difference in my life. It makes me feel fucking fantastic to take care of myself in this way.

Sisters, I’m hoping I have convinced you to get up right now, get those panties off and go to town on yourself. I just did. My hair is sticking straight up and I’m grinning like a fool. And look how productive that orgasm made me!

Go prioritize your pleasure. Go indulge. Go make yourself feel good.

And when you’re done, start spreading the word. Call up your girlfriends from time to time and ask them, like my friend asked me, “Honey? Are you masturbating enough?”

© Yael Wolfe 2019