Howl

The Nourishment of Slow Sex

Sometimes, it’s just what you need…

Do you remember that episode in Sex and the City, in which Carrie slept with Harry’s best man, who gave it to her jackrabbit style? “It’s basically masturbating with a woman instead of your hand,” she later complained to a friend.

Despite her assertion that jackrabbit sex isn’t supposed to be “allowed” anymore, I’ve never had a partner who didn’t love a good, long rabbit’ing. In fact, my last partner’s favorite sexual activity was to jackrabbit me for extended periods of time. I knew how much he enjoyed it, so I’d do my best to endure it, but after 10 minutes of incessant pounding (he was younger than I and had a hell of a lot of stamina), I would have to tell him he needed to wrap it up. I just couldn’t handle the discomfort.

I don’t really enjoy the jackrabbit. In short bursts, between slower, longer thrusting, yes, it’s fine. But for more than a few minutes at a time, it can be seriously uncomfortable. Eventually, all that pounding and friction starts to numb my vagina, making it difficult to feel anything but pressure and impact. Further, all that in-and-outing dries a lady out, and if there’s any hesitation to stop and re-lube, things can get painful.

Beyond all of that, the truth is, jackrabbit sex doesn’t feel very nourishing to me. Carrie wasn’t far off when she described it as masturbating with a woman instead of one’s hand. When performed often and for prolonged periods of time, it can feel isolating, as if the male partner has lost all awareness of another’s presence. It’s not particularly pleasurable for many women, so there’s little physical satisfaction, and when you start to feel emotionally distant, as well, then it begs the question: Is this all there is?

What about slow sex— deliciously, seductively, achingly slow sex? I’ve experienced it before and it was some of the best sex of my life. It didn’t happen often. I’d always assumed men prefer the jackrabbit over anything else…until I recently heard a male friend talk about his experience having suuuper slow sex — and how much he loved it.

I honestly couldn’t believe it. There are men out there who are just as interested in slow, tender sex as they are in the jackrabbit. Who knew?

I particularly appreciated that my friend talked about love and passion here. No, these are not essential ingredients in a recipe for great sex, but for those of us who need that emotional connection in the bedroom, it’s important to prioritize our feelings. For some of us, this is the kind of nourishment we need from a sexual experience.

When I look back, I don’t typically remember specific orgasms. I remember certain moments of intense pleasure. I remember the way my partners’ looked or what sounds they made when they came. I remember the light in the room or what season it was. Orgasms, though, in their abundance (for which I am ever grateful), tend to escape my recollection.

There are a few, however, that have remained burned into my memory because of how intense they were or because of the emotion of the moment.

If you asked me to find a commonality between the orgasms I recall, I would say that almost all of them occurred when my partner and I were engaging in leisurely, casual sexual activities. They mostly didn’t happen in the bedroom, mostly didn’t happen when we were taking part in a clearly delineated sexual experience, mostly didn’t happen when we seeking to climax.

No, it was those moments when we were, say, cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. His hand would slide under my shirt and he’d stroke my breasts for a while. At some point (who knows when because in these experiences, we lost all awareness of time), he’d take my shirt off and begin kissing my breasts and sucking on my nipples. We’d lose interest in the movie, eventually, as we leisurely kissed and touched one another. He would stroke my hair, kiss my neck, tug at my earlobe with his teeth while I slid my hands into his pants, squeezing his ass.

There was no hurry. There was no goal. There was no destination. Despite the movie playing in the background, we were focused so intensely on one another and on experiencing our own pleasure. Because we weren’t in bed, because we hadn’t approached the encounter as a formal sexual experience, we just played, enjoyed one another, took our time.

Eventually, we’d lose all or most of our clothes. He’d slide his hand between my legs, or I’d straddle him. It was an entirely different kind of sex — slow and gentle, pausing to kiss or look at one another.

It didn’t always work — my partner used to say that the slow thrusting was so pleasurable, it was hard not to come. But when he could hang on, it was intense.

Guys, if you don’t know this, for many women, the experience of feeling a penis move slowly inside her is one of the most profoundly satisfying sensations a woman can have during sex. Other than having my nipples sucked, there is no other sensation I desire more than a slow thrust.

You see, in the jackrabbit, we lose the sense of where you are in our body. Sometimes, a little jackrabbiting or slightly less intense hard pound can be fucking fantastic. But the intensity of sensation when we can perceive exactly where your dick is inside our body, and feel every curve and line of it because it’s moving so slowly… To me, there are few things more intimate or pleasurable.

Add to that the curious, roaming hands, the yearning kisses, the shared breath of slow sex… For me, it feeds the soul, not just the body. And sometimes, we need that, too.

Now did you think I forgot about the orgasms? I didn’t, I promise.

The best part about those slow sexual experiences is that the build-up of pleasure happens so subtly, you don’t notice it until you start to get swept away. The slow, deliberate action and, in some cases, heightening of emotion, creates so much intense, exquisite tension in the body that when you finally experience climax, it can completely shatter you.

If you adore the jackrabbit, don’t be discouraged. As I said, a little bit here and there can be fun, in small doses. And a good, hard pounding (which is not the same as jackrabbiting) is wonderfully satisfying.

But let’s not forget other iterations of the sexual experience. Let’s not discount slow, steady, and gentle as less satisfying — for me, it was some of the most pleasurable sex I’ve had. I love the physical connection, the emotional intimacy, and the soulful nourishment of slow sex.

Sometimes, slow sex is exactly what we need.

© Yael Wolfe 2019