About Me — Nova

All About Me

I’m a proud parent, spouse, engineer, college instructor, amateur writer, hopeful guitarist, struggling artist, aspiring cook, fair-weather runner.

Oh, and I’m on the gender spectrum… somewhere, trending towards trans-femme. Can’t forget that one.

Like most in this community, I’ve spent my life searching for something nebulous - something that solves this complex puzzle of me.

As recent as two years ago, I was incredibly predictable, dull, and rather numb. I went through the obligatory actions expected of me and found solace in the shadows of those around me. I often referred to this feeling as a “mid-life” crisis — but a more accurate term would be “whole-life” crisis.

My Sisyphean life was easy to fall into since I knew of no other way to live. But something integral to me clung to a tenebrous belief that inside me was a damn interesting person that no one, including I, has ever known.

A little over two years ago, on October 19, 2019, I read this article on Medium that changed everything. It, and similar articles, lit a fire so intense within my spirit that I’m still basking in the embers. Neurons fired and synapses connected in unexpected ways as I revisited the story of my life in incredible detail. The knotted string of my existence started to untangle.

It would take me almost two years of intense internal conversation (as I tend to be an over-thinker 😄) to come to terms of who I am.

I am not wired male

I am not wired male. Five simple words that took four decades to say.

I am enjoying life in exploring who I am on many different levels. One of those levels is my gender identity. My journey has taken me down many paths, including identifying as a trans-woman. Through a lot of contemplation and reflection I have retracted this descriptor (not as though there is anything wrong with being a trans woman — just doesn’t fit for me) and am now walking somewhere in the land of the non-binary. I continue to revel in not being defined by either box — I am truly free to blaze my own path!

Through my journey I’ve nurtured an intense love for myself. This resulted in a whirlwind of emotions and self-acceptance, resulting in the blossoming of compassion, empathy, connection, and overall euphoria. Improved relationships, an optimistic outlook, and a much, much, much (did I emphasize that enough?) more fulfilling life. I’m no longer afraid to be different, nor deterred from expressing myself from my heart. A good start to learning to be unapologetically me.

Here I Am!

Recently the proverbial door opened and light shone brightly on my baby trans eyes. Alas, the rest of my journey has begun in earnest.

I’m one who loves process, whether it be transforming thoughts into a written essay, or appreciating the many tiny steps on the pathway from my old self to my true self. I try not to dwell on destinations — to me such planning is often counterproductive to growth — but on embracing the feelings and thoughts of the present moment.

My musings on this platform chronicle my thoughts and experiences on my transition journey — both for therapy and for community. Writing is a mirror for me — it gives me the ability to explore this new person without pretense or shame. An honest reflection of my journey, my feelings, my pain, and my joys.

What is in a Name?

As I started my musings I stared with the name Nova. It is a rather rare name that reminds me to shoot for the stars. I have made that name the base for my journey.

I had since added the moniker Grace, as that word embodied so much of the essence of who I am and who I strive to be.

On the latest incarnation of myself, I entered the land of the non-binary, recognizing my desire to be something not entirely female nor male. To this end, I’m contemplating adopting the name CJ, which pays homage to the first letters of my birthname, recognizing that I have a past and my past is inherently tied to my future.

I’m grateful for this platform - for information, for inspiration, for community. I’ve always loved writing, and I’m delighted to be around so many talented writers who challenge me to be a better writer, and more importantly, a better person.

I’m Nova, aka Nova Grace, aka CJ Nova; evolving human - a proud trans person and a proud queer person. If we haven’t yet met, please say Hi!