Moving Into Enby Waters

Summary

The author, who has been on HRT for five months, has realized they no longer wish to transition to be a woman and instead identifies with a non-binary, or Enby, existence, embracing a space between male and female identities.

Abstract

The author shares a personal revelation after a period of introspection, revealing that despite previous expectations and a strong affinity for femininity, they no longer feel the desire to transition to become a woman. This shift occurred shortly after starting Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), which led to a surprising decline in their feelings for feminine expression. The author has come to accept this change, recognizing their identity as non-binary. They express a sense of peace and self-acceptance, deciding to explore their existence outside the traditional male-female binary. The journey has been transformative, leading to personal growth and a better understanding of themselves. The author feels more alive, confident, and happy, crediting the support of the community for their progress. They plan to continue writing, maintaining aspects of their identity that bring joy, and will adopt the name CJ, initials from their birth name. The author emphasizes that this is not a farewell but a transition, and they remain committed to supporting others in their gender journeys.

Opinions

The author values authenticity and has chosen to follow their heart and soul's guidance, even if it means deviating from their initial transition path.
They view their journey as a quest for self-discovery and humanity, rather than strictly a gender transition.
The author appreciates the fluidity and complexity of their identity, embracing conflicting thoughts and ideas as part of their humanity.
They have a positive outlook on their non-binary identity, describing it as an exploration full of wonderous possibilities.
The author expresses gratitude for the community's role in their journey, acknowledging the importance of support and vulnerability in personal growth.
They have a pragmatic approach to their transition, keeping what brings joy and discarding what does not, including a flexible approach to their name and monikers.
The author feels empowered and better equipped to handle life's ups and downs since starting their journey.

Life is Never Static

I’ve been relatively silent lately, with the myriad of demands from summer, work, kids, and everything else consuming my energy. As beautiful as the summer is in these climes, I long for the fall, the start of school, and a little solitude and peace.

But there is an issue that I am grappling with, an element of myself that I have been trying to reconcile in the five months since the start of HRT. After a ridiculous amount of introspection (really, outside of this (trans) community does anyone really contemplate their identity and place in the world this much?) I’m at a mental and emotional state of acceptance where I can share…

I no longer wish to transition to be a woman.

This realization flies in the face of years of having a mindset trending to the contrary. I fully expected, by this point, to have the same hunger to pursue the feminine as most of you reading this, but alas, my heart and soul no longer yearns for such.

This is shocking to me, with my intense feelings for all things feminine waning almost immediately after starting HRT, only sporadically returning. I could frame this as either a blessing or a curse, but the most accurate spin is “it is what it is”. My guiding tenet through this entire adventure is one — to be true to my heart and soul. To this I must abide and will follow.

So where does that leave me? While I am no longer striving to be a trans-woman, I can equally say that I have no desire to return to the land of men. I strongly feel that my existence is somewhere between the two, in the realm of the non-binary. The land of Enbies. Henceforth I will dip my toes in the water and explore my existence orthogonally to the male-female dynamic. What that means I have absolutely no idea (but it sounds kinda cool), but I will find out as I continue this journey.

This adventure has never been about gender, but something much grander — the quest to feel myself, to feel human. The path is not straight (thank goodness) and has wonderous twists and turns. Most doors I will leave open, hence I find myself here again. In the meantime I will rejoice in being a collection of conflicting thoughts and incongruent ideas; this is okay — that’s simply me being me (or perhaps just being human).

I will retain aspects of myself that bring me joy and peace and discard the lot. I will keep my long hair (becoming ever more curly), don various articles of (mostly gender neutral) clothing and continue on my low dose of HRT (definitely not giving that one up). I will continue to write musings of my life and whimsical thoughts woven into stories. Sifting and winnowing — repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am in a much better mental and emotional place than before I started this journey. I am a considerably different person — a happier person and a more-confident person. I am a better parent, a better friend, a better partner, and a better teacher. I laugh more, cry more, and overall “feel” more. I am more alive and enriched than I ever have; a wonderful trend that hopefully will continue.

Like all of you, I continue to have ups and downs. The downs are more muted, as I feel a new source of empowerment in how to handle with negative energy and unfortunate events. I no longer question if I have depression or anything else wrong with me — I am fine and I have joy, with bouts of fleeting happiness and sorrow. These are good things, and I am thankful to be in this mindset.

To my friends, this is not a goodbye; I will still be here on Medium and elsewhere and look forward to cheering all of you in your transitions and supporting you in your endeavors. I am so deeply indebted to all of you for this community; if not for you my journey would have never started. I learned so much about who I am and have developed an intense love of myself. The ability to be truly vulnerable in this community has led to being warm and accepting in others.

I want you all to know how much your friendship has meant to me over these last several months. No person is an island, and community is critical to thrive in such a journey. You each have a special place in my heart.

I’m crying typing this- tears that evaded me for any event before this journey. You are my sisters (and a couple brothers), and I have nothing but love for all of you.

PS. I am still playing around with monikers and the like, but I may be transitioning to a name of CJ, which are the initials to my birth name.

— nova (CJ)❤️

Adding names to those of you who have been special to me on this platform, to make sure this passes your eyes

Revelations

Moving Into Enby Waters

Life is Never Static