A New & Fresh View of When Your Love has a Past

Life has a tendency to not be fair

Two notes before I begin:

• I will write this in the first person so you can see the words play out in the first person. And it was easier for me.
• Fun fact: Personal freedom comes after the emotional battle. War = freedom.

Let’s do this! Take a good meditation breath — if you know how to do one.

When you have a past

I will not consider your past as who you are now.

Your past is the past. It’s that easy. No questions asked.

With that being said, is your past, your past? Or is your past your present? Will I see it pour from you like you both are still in an emotional covenant with each other and you are completely fine with it? If you are working on any past situation, that is detailed below. This paragraph is for if you are not taking care of business.

If your ex always bought you purple flowers, will your brain still associate purple flowers with your past emotions towards him with no intention of severing that tie to create space for me? If you feel emotion, those emotions are your current emotions towards a man with neurological brain chemicals towards you, too (any man with a pursuit is bad business). If you love him still, then alright. Go back. No harm done, I’m not pushing myself into your heart.

Or are you and I starting our life? — that is what this publication is about.

Our new, fresh, and amazing journey. On the same note — “ communication is key”, we used to say in the Military Police. If you hate purple flowers, don’t just smile and say thank you, but also don’t destroy my lion spirit in public either (not very good emotional intelligence, unless you are 20 years old). But, I still need to know all about you. Just say you hate purple flowers, make a nice joke about it and we will both have a laugh ha-ha! Ideally, I would pick the right color flower initially because purple is probably not your favorite color anymore — know what I’m saying? haha! But, don’t forget to tell me why you hate purple flowers if there is a male tie to those. I did not buy purple flowers because I like purple flowers — trust me. They are only to get your brain chemicals towards me active and stronger, due to the intention behind the action. So, I need to know how to be that man for you. Just don’t hold me to something I never knew, either. That’s for newbies. I’m probably going to bring flowers when we meet, so now is the time to say you hate flowers and what kinds. If I did not bring a conversation up for that topic — go ahead and tie the discussion in. The more we don’t share about ourselves, the more “why would you do that?” will come up in our heads.

Want that breath now? Ha-ha!

You got to choose.

I desire your complete mind, body, and spirit and the journey we take, not just a fraction of each. You have all of me, every neuron — fresh and ready to be planted like a tree. The expectation is mutual, I hope; I pray we are evenly yoked in that respect. In no way am I sheer perfection as you will find out and as I age things will keep changing. I still make the choice to battle for you and die to myself; what I do now in our friendship/relationship is what the Bible says I will do in marriage. I can be a quitter, wounded, lethargic, or a victor.

I can tell if I don’t have your intention and choice. If the answer is “no” about me being given freely your mind and spirit, I’ll probably leave you to think about it in the next season of your life if we cannot merely communicate. Just thinking about you sharing your heart with another man makes me cringe and feel like I am not your choice; so I put up the deuces. That might be different on your end with my ex, might not be different, but that is how it is on my end. We are different people and we are entering in the future a spiritual war together as one “person” under God with some real bone-crushing battles coming in our future. You cannot take additional spiritual covenants with us. We need a clean slate. We will not make it if we bring other stuff along. Your heart will be stretched too thin and I will be left trying to trust you when you love more than me and I’m put in 2nd place at times.

Maybe this is not what you want.

I want just us two. Maybe you want an open relationship. I’m not judging, I don’t have time for judging (but I do evaluate for the most scientific and plausible conclusion based on observation and analysis). I want me and you. Or me and someone else. Either way, it’ll be me and 1 other for life. A loving friendship to take into eternity. My last choice and your last choice as we enter the atmosphere together.

I understand that life happens.

Again, I understand that life happens. I am willing to wait for the rest of my life to see you grow past it. I will be right beside you through it all; faithful and loving as God severs the spiritual ties that have leeched themselves to you. There is one catch to this and we already covered it.

Will you allow yourself to be opened up, vulnerable, and to be given to God for restoration and reviving of ALL that haunts you and ties you? I just need to know that you will fight, are you my warrior princess, my huntress, working on becoming a queen?

Let’s say you are Esther and you are standing outside the King’s court. Will you stay where you are safe for the moment and not enter, to only be blindsided later? Or do you push open the doors putting everything on the line at the moment for future freedom?

When God said “All things new”, He wasn’t kidding. That’s my expectation.

I need your brain to disassociate current emotions with past boys — whether you have children or not — children are not in the marital covenant (they will one day have their own). I know it will not be overnight, I wasn’t born last night and I have some pretty thick life experience myself. Our future can’t have your heartstrings cheering for someone else, daydreaming about “what if?”; or you have a plan B. We are sailing off to our future. You only wave goodbye while you can see the shore, then it’s time for business — us. You and I are building our forever! You have to choose what man will be in your veins in front of all the universe. You have 1 man to choose. One time to choose me. I am not #2 — to anything.

If you do have kids, I have adopted them, as Jesus has adopted us and grafted us into His vine. They are mine. Or they and you have a great life with the sperm donor. If he was a father you would not have left. As I said earlier, a man can be a quitter, wounded, lethargic, or a victor (a victor is not a jock). If you left a victor, you have the red flag and I’m running in the opposite direction. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a quitter, wounded man, or lethargic man to be a father. To call me stepfather or say I’m not is to put me below him. Yeah… I’m not about that life. You can follow America’s system in that, a system with a 50% divorce rate. By all means.

I was not your first choice, I might not have been your second or third, but that was because we did not know each other like we do now. I am here now, God allowed us to cross paths, my number is up and I have made my life choice — and my choice (you) is the greatest choice of all time. You might be broken and hurt, but I have already said I will be here, I will be your friend for as long as it takes for your heart to be ready. It is your love and your intention that will keep me here.

You might be on your deathbed and we are not married, but will you reach your hand out to me and let me sit beside you. You chose me. Marriage is not the goal. Being yours is the goal. At this moment before God, you chose me. You gave me a chance to win your heart. You extended your heart to only me to try to capture it, although you do not love me as “yours” yet.

Friendship comes first. Through time your love develops, yes I know. But, I am a man friend, so that kind of insinuates my intention without me actually saying it. I’m male. I know you might have guy friends, making my last sentence odd — guy friends are not entirely friends, but that’s for another time.

I know it’s a buzzkill if I say it in person. But the male brain is thousands of years already designed and created by God to follow the brain’s path just as gravity has its science, too. And men say yes in their heads between the first glance of you and probably around hour 62. The female brain is different than the male brain (don’t let men lie to you and say they knew you were the one after you said it first. Nah, men already wanted it). A woman’s brain has stages, it has trust features it must exhibit. Men don’t. We are risk-takers. As long as our brain sees you as a fertile female being, a man will desire you — per Louann Brizendine, Ph.D. (Clinical Neuropsychiatrist, Yale & Harvard).

There is nothing more beautiful in my opinion than to see a couple 100% sold out to the other for a lifetime — unity — marriage — no division. That takes a lifelong choice, saying “yes” every day even when you hate me (you know, those days). The purity and the freedom of exclusivity in our brains and hearts is worth everything in existence. It is worth my one and only life. And that is what I offer — my only life. As long as you’re working on the trauma or severing the love toward them, to create that space for me and our family, I’m with you forever — through the thick and thin (you know, vows…).

If I lose an arm in a car crash and you have ties still with your past of masculine choices and have let that fire simmer in the back, any psychologist saw what’s coming next, years ago. I know, too, I’m a guy and mental health worker. Not only am I a guy, but I know some of how women’s brains subconsciously work, too. And I’ve been “that guy” once or twice. There are no “guy friends” outside of chemical imbalances and diagnoses.

For me and all men who are honest, women are clients, business partners, or we like you. Wait, no, that’s women. For men, women are attractive to us or not. It has nothing to do with how we know each other, are you a valuable woman or not?

Some guys will be friends for years, just waiting like a sniper — if he told you his intentions, you would not like it, so why would he tell you? That’s stupid, I already covered that, that us telling you our plan is a buzzkill for you. All men know that. We know to keep our mouths shut and you will put us in the friendzone — which is just a zone for men that you don’t like in this season. Our chemicals reacted the moment we locked eyes and every interaction after that.

Masculinity is all about building strength through discipline and resistance. Love takes time for you, not for us; men build “investments” in you through work, passion, and sacrifice. This is not prophetic, this is basic psychology. Your guy friend will be one of the “friends” you confide in if bad stuff hits the fan in your relationship. And it will just so happen that they will have all the time in the world and been through a 100-step program to be fully perfect just for you to talk to and to begin building different trust neurological connections with them. Trust is a killer.

However, if you are a statistical outlier in that you will not reach out to an ex that you still love because that tie God did not sever, even if the whole earth crumbles and I am on life support or even dead, then good communication would have us talk about your supernatural lucky ability that actually doesn’t exist if trust is still there (I know, that was a long sentence). If someone has your trust, they have your confidence. If they have your trust and confidence, you tell them your secrets. Men can come close to physically killing you and you still defend the terms “father” for the murderer and “stepfather” for the man after God’s own heart. Clinically, that’s Stockholm Syndrome. Men love that about the psychology of woman, emotion is a part of marriage and family. It’s attractive.

Since marriage is mind, body, and spirit — if you have not been forgiven or if you have not forgiven yourself for connecting in any of those three human and spiritual components (mind, body, and spirit), you are not “divorced” yet. Divorce is NOT paper, it’s mind, body, and spirit. Just because you filed a paper does not convince me, or trick me. You will lose love for me, it is just a matter of time. Less than a lifetime of CHOOSING TO LOVE is not worth it for me.

This is heart surgery.

Not a soap opera or the show Vikings. It’s just us.

No doctor will keep your heart tubes attached to the other person as they put them into my chest cavity. Same way, God cannot place your heart in my chest cavity and close it up forever, if some tubes are still connected to a past relationship (or if you are not giving God your heart to put in my chest — neither God nor I will make you give it up, nope).

Marriage is a union of mind, body, and spirit that both parties are really wanting to commit. You do not have to go in front of a pastor to be biblically married (that’s like a Christian saying some biblical events like salvation or the Gift of Tongues can’t happen if you are confounded against your will in human trafficking — God is not bound by His creation; He breathed this all into existence and He chose to say marriage is a heart posture, a bodily attachment, and neurological stimulation).

Biblical marriage is a man and a woman who love each other (or we could say, she loves him and he has thoughts about her that drive him into kingship — however you wish to look at it, ha-ha!). Technically, what is done in spirit will still be accountable on our part when we meet God. Marriage begins in spirit, it then arrives in the mind, then it becomes physical and naturally observable (which is why people change after they have “been together” as passive parents call it). Actually change, not like what most men do. Wives, valuable wives, will project men into kingship and he will develop/change. Before that you have not changed any man.

Quick note. Biblical marriage can look like when a woman defends a man if he were to say that 2+2=7, like he bluntly lied and she defended the lie, or he jumped a cliff and she followed — that is her heart posture. She followed him; responded to his leadership — that is psychology. The science of war; everyone wants to follow the Special Forces Soldier. Even me, but, men need to not pass off responsibility and become the SF Soldier for their family if they are to be the victor. Me following another man is me being lazy.

Back to heart surgery: all the arteries of the heart are cut and sewn into my chest and vise versa, and we will become one in mind, body, and spirit. We will be as perfect as humans can. Even tree roots are uprooted to be perfectly placed where God wants you. No tree is sliced in half or even with its roots sliced off at the base and expected to grow at all. The tree just dies. This is Relationship Education 101.

I have a past too, but I want all of you, so I cannot see the surgeon fast enough. I will push everyone out of the line to see the doctor first if I have found you. I kill my dragons! If you are HER, then you are her; my whole future. But, you are not going to wait if I drag my feet and have no incentive. Nonetheless, I do NOT care about what is in my past. I want the best future, so God can severe EVERYTHING He needs to in me to make us 1.

That is my commitment. That is my standard. That is my choice, because it works! I put possibility and promises over feelings.

You may not be here tomorrow and the friendship with the 1 woman that God picked for me, is no longer. Our friendship today means everything if you will have passed away today for whatever reason. You are the flower that died before your heart even seen me. I still feel like a man if I am holding your hand as you pass away on a hospital bed. I still feel connected with you forever, that is a man’s quality trait. My heart of man can feel comfort in knowing you said “yes!” in your heart even if you could not say it verbally.

But, it’s your choice. Today.

Conclusion

If there is a trauma I understand and give all the needed grace your brain requires to heal. Keyword is “heal”, not “postpone”, “think about it”, or “oh, it is unnecessary, you have to live with me this way”. Hearts are severed completely and cleaned thoroughly before transplanted wholly into the other, completely owned by that new recipient (per the Bible about marriage as “dying to myself” and “my body is yours” and the U.S. Law of heart transplants states the heart does not belong to the donor anymore — because the donor died…).

I want a heart transplant, regardless of how ugly you might think yours is, I want it. Let me carry you. I choose it. I would not choose yours if I did not want yours. And my heart is yours if you choose it. If it was healthy and cheaper, instead of wedding bands I would complete a heart transplant with you. I hold God to great expectations. Marriage is exclusive between you and me, and is forever. Every neuron and quark of our existence. The female brain needs consistency, stability, and nourishment built over time and renewed as much as their makeup to continually grow in a man.

But, am I worth your effort? Are we in this forever?

Am I your #2? (In the biblical order for me as a man it goes: God → you → kids → family → male friends → creation → me. I’m last, everything is for others. With only God, you, and I in the marital covenant. We three are the only permanent parties in the marriage; the rest of creation are only temporarily in the nest and do not wear our wedding bands and will not die with us — hence the root meaning of wedding bands). And as parents or future parents, it is our job to dedicate you and me as one-body to the little ones and their development into kings and queens. I cannot give you and our family God-mandated time and effort if our neighbor Sally is my “special friend” or I give time to worrying about my past. Nature will eat that up so fast and destroy me. Natural selection kills all, but victors.

There is nothing in my past I would not give up for biblical marriage. But, that doesn’t mean my past or my future will be perfect. There might be some tracks I have not covered up. But, you choosing me and falling in love with me is the best thing ever. That you choose to be completely unified in mind, body, and spirit with one person. To include unified in ethics, knowledge, communication, incentive and initiative for one another, politics, theology, house rules, conduct, and passion for the passions of the other, so no other has the ability to squeeze in. Our perimeter is secure. Our empire is protected.

Ephesians 5:25 and this is just the beginning for you and me :)

I choose you, you choose me, over all creation. No plan B. All bridges burned. All ships burned. And all drawbridges disengaged and impenetrable walls built.

This is from MedicalNews.org

The ghosts of the past haunt you

Being unable to let go of the past can drag down the body and soul. In the immediate aftermath of a tragedy or trauma, feelings run high. This is an extraordinarily stressful time. However, you must move on. Somehow, you must make peace with what has happened.

That may mean having to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and put them back together. This allows you to move forward. Dwelling on the past and the “what ifs” is normal, but there comes a time where it has to end.

Holding onto what caused emotional and spiritual pain prevents a person from moving forward.

As hard as it might be, the ghosts of the past must be banished to where they belong in the past. They will be a part of who you are going forward, but they cannot be allowed to own you.

Source: https://medical-news.org/30-signs-of-soul-exhaustion/11639/19/

Combat Veterans

Combat veterans with PTSD say things like, “I had nightmares. In my nightmares demons hunted me and the things I’ve seen and done come back to haunt me like ghosts. Some nights I’m too nervous to sleep, but it is NOT easy to tell my wife as she sleeps peacefully and ruins her night. So, I battle alone. Through all of this, the terror, the drowsiness, the hate, the twitches, even the medication, my wife still loves me and she chooses to remain as I battle the trauma to one day get through it and we will be as we used to be. I’m a fighter”.

FOOTNOTE:

This publication is not saying you have to choose one of your friends right now. You have friends of both genders with heavy boundaries on the male friends if you are female, to give each guy a chance to win your heart — because that is why they are all there anyways (unless you only talk once a month and to him you are not really a friend, but a bowling option).

Once that love connection starts to build, then you cut ties with the other men who have any sort of possibility to woo you. Or the man you chose cannot trust them or you — which I promise will happen (if you say “no” to cut ties, then evidently you have not chosen your man yet, because covenant to another always comes before feelings. In his covenant to you, he gets to glue his eyes shut half his life and 24/7 while at a beach, in Crossfit, or Yoga class, so he doesn’t gain an interest in others… Okay, some men have higher resistance, but it’s your gamble — he’s not going to tell you, to lose your trust in him resulting in you acting like his mom for the next two years).

Anyways, so you remain, friends until he proposes. No “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” BS. The terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” propose an exclusivity that only belongs when you, the female, have dragged and teased the last true guy friend long enough that he can’t wait any longer to be with you and proposes. That is when all bets are off, all bridges burned, no plan B, all that good stuff. In both of your hearts you already said “yes”, but the engagement is just time to get things in life situated before you live together. It wasn’t meant to take long, why do you think most wedding bands and engagement bands are actually one ring, separated into two parts, just the larger part is given first? It’s still one ring.

This is pretty simple. Pretty cut and dry. This saves you lots of weirdness and hard-to-navigate feelings. It’s just friendship before *boom* engagement.