5 Tips to Encourage Independent Play in Toddlers and Babies

So you get some free time to yourself

I love my kids so much, but, honestly, they can be hard work. Between chasing them around, preparing food for them, providing craft activities, changing nappies and the constant cleaning, parenting a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old is exhausting.

And that’s fine! Please don’t think that I am complaining, because I’m not. I knew what I signed up for when deciding to have children and I really make the most of every day that I get to spend with them.

However, I need my downtime and, truth be told, I don’t love playing all of the games that they love to play. This is where independent play comes in. I’ve spoken briefly about independent play in the past, but I thought I would give an in-depth article now.

The benefits of independent play

Independent play is extremely beneficial for a number of reasons.

Firstly, when children have quiet time, they often feel boredom, which helps them develop their imagination. When children are bored, they need to invent ways to entertain themselves, fuelling their creativity. It is how they develop their own interests.

Furthermore, when children play by themselves, they learn to look inward to themselves and find comfort with just being alone. Being able to complete tasks on their own and problem-solve alone, is a fabulous way to prepare them for school.

And, finally, I just love making time for myself. I love sitting on the couch in the middle of the day with a cup of tea and reading for a solid 30–45 minutes. It refreshes me and makes me a better mum.

It is not selfish to want a little bit of time to yourself in the middle of the day.

If you aren’t seeing your kids play independently and you think you would like to implement it, here are my five tips:

1. Start from birth

This tip is obviously only useful if you have a newborn or are still pregnant, but this is honestly the best advice I have for any expecting parent.

Start leaving your baby on a safe play mat on the floor by themselves for a couple of minutes at a time. Now, I don’t mean completely by themselves where you leave the room. I mean stay in the same room or area, but ensure you are not in your baby’s sight, so they believe they are on their own.

My daughter is my firstborn and I never left her side unless she was sleeping. I personally believe she couldn’t play independently because she was so used to me playing with her. I never taught her how.

My son, on the other hand, needed to be left sometimes while he was awake because he is my second born. If my daughter was hungry, I would put him on the playmat a couple of metres from me and go to the kitchen to make her lunch. If she wanted to play with something that had small parts and was a potential choking hazard for my son, I would leave him by himself so I could play with her.

Every time I left him on the floor (in a safe spot and still in my sight), I noticed he would just be looking around the room and gurgling at all the different things he saw. He couldn’t see me for short stints every time he was awake.

I strongly believe that by leaving him to play by himself, my son learnt independent play from birth. Today at the age of 2, he can play for up to an hour by himself, several times throughout the day.

One of the parenting experts I admire is Magda Gerber, and she talks about letting infants just be by themselves with parents just observing them in her book, Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect.

2. Give them your undivided attention first

Before independent playtime, I always play with my kids and give them my undivided attention for at least an hour straight. No phones, no interruptions.

We do different things each time we play together. Some of our favourites include building with Lego, chasing each other on the equipment at our local playground, and cooking. We talk a lot about what we are doing and I love to listen to them tell me stories.

This is true, quality time that we value.

I find it is easier to encourage my kids to entertain themselves after we have experienced our quality time. We all feel very fulfilled and I know they are having their needs met.

3. Introduce independent play in short increments at a time

If your kids are like my daughter, they will be endlessly at your side and won’t last a minute alone. For my daughter to have an independent play, I needed to introduce short increments throughout the day.

I would start the day normally by having breakfast and getting ready for the day, followed by an hour of our true, quality time playing together. Then, when it was time to start her by herself, I would always say something like, “I am just going to the kitchen to put our dishes in the sink. You keep playing. I’ll be right back.” I would proceed to walk to the kitchen, and then stand and wait for a few minutes.

At first, she would always follow me. So I would keep bringing her back to our game until she stayed for the couple minutes I was in the kitchen. We would do this several times a day.

After a week, I slowly increased my time away.

Once I noticed that she would stay by herself and continue playing for about ten minutes, I introduced a timer. I would say, “I need to clean up. Please stay here and play until the buzzer beeps.” I would show her the timer and we got into the practice of ten-minute playtimes.

I continually increased the timer until we got to 30 minutes. That was when I noticed that my daughter would continue to play by herself, even if the buzzer sounded. I knew it was safe to remove the timer altogether

Don’t expect this tip to work quickly. This whole process took at least 6 months for my daughter. I wouldn’t be surprised if it took a year or so for some kids.

However, it was worth it because I went from a toddler that was always hanging off me, to one who could have some alone time.

4. Model quiet time

The quote, “be the hero you wish to see in your children”, comes from my all-time favourite parenting book by Roslyn Ross. It is my mantra for every moment I spend with my children.

That being said, quiet, alone time is definitely something that I like to model to my children. This is another reason why I like to read a book in the middle of the day. I want my children to see me enjoying some quiet. I want them to know that mummy does things for her own wellbeing.

Sometimes my kids do come up to me for something during this time. When that happens I assess the situation and see how urgent their needs are. If they’ve hurt themselves or if there is a nappy change, I’ll tend to it immediately.

However, if they want me to play with them, or if they want me to get something for them, the answer is always, “This is my quiet time. I’ll help you when quiet time is over.” I always set boundaries for my kids and I need to constantly reaffirm them.

There are very few needs that my children have during the day that they can’t handle themselves. They can open the fridge themselves and I always keep fresh, healthy snacks for them on the bottom shelf. They have two drink bottles each at all times: one that is in the fridge and one that is in the living room. All of their toys are on low shelves that they can always access. My daughter can use the toilet by herself.

I only spend a maximum of 45 minutes for myself during the day because other quiet playtimes are reserved for cleaning the house or preparing food. My children are fine for such a short time. Besides, I sit in the same room as them so they always have my presence.

5. Limit TV and iPad time

A UK study found that children who watched 15 minutes of TV a day had less creative ideas than children who just did jigsaw puzzles or read books or played instead.

I don’t think that all electronics are bad, and, obviously, there are educational kids programs and apps, but I believe too much can kill creativity.

I have found in my kids that creativity is vital for their alone play. My daughter will build a castle out of Lego and move her figures around creating fabulous different scenarios. My son likes to experiment with building his blocks and knocking them down. Creativity is the tool they use to have these play ideas.

For this reason, my kids only have about 30 minutes of TV, 3–4 times a week. Occasionally my daughter will watch a movie on the weekend while my son naps.

Yes, screens are an excellent way to keep children entertained, but I don’t want my kids to become reliant on them.

These strategies have been an absolute lifesaver for me as a mum. I am able to refresh myself in the middle of the day, and my kids are learning to be independent.

I know that, while these tips work for me, they may not work for everyone’s children, but I hope you might find them useful.

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