8 Tips From Respectful Parenting

Tips found in RIE parenting

Like most new parents, when I had my first child, truckloads of advice was given to me by well-meaning family, friends and strangers. More often than not, the advice was unsolicited and every new piece of information I heard contradicted the last.

However, the best advice for me was when a friend introduced me to RIE parenting. I thought it sounded interesting so I decided to research further. Before long, I was hooked.

I even found three books that shaped me as a parent and have been a continual point of reference. These books aren’t specific to RIE, but the philosophies outlined in all three are aligned.

What is RIE?

RIE stands for Resources for Infant Educarers. It was founded by Magda Gerber in 1978 and she coined term, ‘educarer’, with the idea that parents and guardians should give respect to all children from the moment they’re born.

According to the Magda Gerber website, ‘the basis of Magda’s Gerber’s RIE philosophy is respect for, and trust in the baby to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner’.

I have come up with a list of rules that I personally like to follow, with some coming from Gerber and other coming from other sources. Here are my personal 8 tips to be a respectful parent:

1. Encourage independent play from birth

I love playing with my kids so much. We put on music and have dance parties, run around playing monsters and build elaborate castles out of Lego. Unfortunately, I found that I played with my first child too much, because, by the time I had my son, she was too reliant on me. She couldn’t play by herself because I had never given her the opportunity.

There are so many studies about the importance of boredom for children and how it allows them to develop imaginative play and creativity.

I think it is important to start from birth. I left my son by himself on the playmat on the floor for 5 minutes at a time from as young as 3 months old. He would happily just look around the room and take everything in. I increased the time he spent by himself as he got older. Now, at the age of 2, he will happily occupy himself for an hour at a time. He is happy to go off, grab his toys and create what he likes.

On the other hand, I needed to teach my daughter how to be by herself. It was harder work because she was a toddler and so used to having me by her side. This is why I recommend beginning from birth.

2. Acknowledge and accept children’s emotions

Every time I cried or got upset growing up, I would hear the words “You’ll be ok” and “There’s nothing wrong. It’s fine”. I’m sure most of us were raised in a similar way. While a parent’s good intention is to comfort the child and stopping from getting them upset, we’re actually teaching our children to bottle up their emotions, which can be harmful.

Furthermore, boys, in particular, are actually encouraged to suppress their emotions, which can be damaging to their mental health. Boys are raised to think that being ‘manly’ means not crying.

Instead, RIE parenting focusses on allowing the child to express their emotions and acknowledging that they’re upset. For example, if I say “no” to a treat and my children start crying, I don’t dismiss their feelings or distract them from their emotions. Instead, I say, “I know you wanted that treat and now you’re upset because I won’t let you have one. I’m here if you need a hug.”

It’s not easy, because the crying just doesn’t stop. However, the kids are encouraged to feel their emotions and know that I’m not going to get upset or dismiss how they’re feeling. Eventually, they do calm down by themselves and come in for a hug.

If you are interested in further reading about this, Janet Lansbury has an excellent article on acknowledging emotions.

3. Communicate authentically

I never wanted to use baby talk from birth. I didn’t understand the point in putting on a baby voice, or changing words to sound cuter, or referring to myself in the third person.

Although sing-song sounds are engaging for babies, using correct language can help them develop their language skills, especially when they become toddlers. If we want our toddlers to be able to speak in full sentences, it only makes sense that we speak correctly too.

4. Model the behaviour you want to see in your children

My most favourite parenting book is Roslyn Ross’ A Theory of Objectivist Parenting, and my most favourite line in it is: be the hero you wish to see in your children.

It is just so true and so applicable in everyday life. If I want my children to use manners, they should see me using my manners with them and others. If I want them to share, they should see me sharing. If I don’t want them sitting down on screens for hours, they shouldn’t see me staring at my phone for hours.

It’s no good simply telling children the correct way to behave; we need to set examples in ourselves.

5. Don’t put labels on your children

I personally find this to be the hardest. I always hear parents labelling children as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘shy’ or ‘loud’. I did it too, at first. It seemed normal. But on further research, I’ve stopped labelling my children.

Labels tend to stick to children, so if I say my children are ‘lazy’ or ‘naughty’, they will start to see themselves in that way. They will have a negative outlook on themselves and they will find it harder to correct their behaviour.

Even positive labels can be harmful. Labelling a child as ‘good’ can set up expectations for ongoing behaviour. What happens if the child no longer has positive behaviour? Are they suddenly bad?

By removing labels, my husband and I are removing expectations from our kids.

6. Allow children to independently problem-solve

Gerber’s quote of ‘observe more, do less’ really holds true for this point.

It is really easy to step in and help our kids when we see them stuck with a problem. We can solve the problem for them, but what does that teach the child? Children need to get stuck and they need to figure out how to solve problems on their own.

The skill of solving a problem is one that children need for life. We won’t always be there to help our children in life, so it is good to allow them to work it out on their own from a young age.

When my kids ask me to solve a problem for me, I like to use sportscasting and questioning to help them think about it. For example, my daughter might be building a castle out of blocks and it keeps falling down. I would say, ‘Oh, I see you castle keeps falling down. That must be frustrating. Where does it keep falling? Could you try to build it again in a different way?’ I would then leave it at that and allow her to keep experimenting.

7. Allow children to participate in household duties

Participating in household chores allows children to feel like they are contributing members of the home and teaches them lifelong skills they will need when they grow up. It also makes our lives easier as parents when they can give us a helping hand.

It is important that chores are age-appropriate and achievable so children are able to complete them on their own without help. Chores, such as putting their own dirty dishes in the dishwasher or putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, can begin as young as 18 months.

I even let my children wash the dishes with my supervision. If I am washing the dishes and my 2-year-old son wants to help, I almost always say, ‘yes’. He obviously doesn’t get them clean enough and I will inevitably have to wash them again later, but allowing him to do it gives him a sense of responsibility at a young age.

8. Ask children to participate in their own caregiving

I would argue that this is the most important aspect of respectful parenting. For example, asking permission before changing a diaper, asking your child if they’re hungry or giving them time to brush their own teeth before the adult steps in to finish the job.

These are all personal acts and I think it is important to teach bodily autonomy from birth.

Furthermore, a toddler is more likely to comply and lay down for you when you explain why their diaper needs to be changed.

The tips I shared with you came from a mixture of my personal experience and a variety of sources, including Gerber’s original philosophy.

Why are all of these tips so important? So we can raise our children to be independent adults who can care for themselves and the space around them. So our children can effectively communicate with others, but also be happy in their own company.

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