How I Went From Being Anxiety-Driven and Angry to a Relaxed Mom

Strategies any parent with mental health problems can implement

Heart pounding fast, being short of breath and head spinning. Big emotions suddenly sparking in my chest that would bubble up to my head. Frequent outbursts of rage.

I feel ashamed to say that this was the first two and a half years of motherhood for me. I feel even worse to admit that the witnesses of my crying or my anger were my eldest child and my husband.

The smallest things would set me off: running late for playdates (what will the other moms think of me?); having a cluttered and messy home (the house will swallow us up); whether my kids were hitting their developmental milestones or not (what’s wrong with them?).

This was the effect of the anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder that consumed me after having my first baby.

Now, I never hit my kids because I don’t believe in spanking and made a promise to myself that I would never do it. But I did scream at my toddler or sit there crying in front of her on numerous occasions. Too many times to count, in fact.

Having said all that, I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed because I know I’m not alone.

In comparison to men, women are almost twice as likely to experience and be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in their lifetime. Motherhood definitely is a major contributing factor to poor mental health for women as 1 in 10 women experience depression in pregnancy and 1 in 6 experience postnatal depression.

Additionally, having previously experienced anxiety growing up and having a difficult birthing experience, I already had some of the risk factors for depression as a new mom.

My turnaround

I became pregnant with my second child when my daughter turned 16 months. Having had a previously difficult birth, my anxiety for my next childbirth doubled immediately. I had reconciled myself with my first childbirth, but this new pregnancy triggered my old feelings to come back.

Despite having a very straightforward pregnancy and healing second birthing experience, my mental health had declined too much by this point.

The biggest turning point for me was when I found myself yelling at my poor two-and-a-half-year-old daughter because she’d had an accident while potty training. I’ll never forget the look of confusion on her face as she burst into tears herself. She was only two, learning to do something for the first time, and here I was yelling at her about it.

That’s when I knew I had to stop. I wanted to turn my life around. I wanted to be a better example for my children.

So I researched and found plenty of experts that helped guide me to the following strategies.

1. Go to therapy

While writing ‘go to therapy’ might seem obvious, I really wanted to include it to really affirm how vital counselling is for improved mental health. In addition, an increasing number of new mums aren’t seeking the help they need due to the stigma that still exists around maternal anxiety and depression today. In writing my stories, I am hoping to help break the stigma and inspire someone else to seek support.

I found sessions with my counsellor so beneficial. She supported me after my difficult birth, so I went back to see her again when I found my anxiety and anger really hitting hard.

My counsellor listened to me talk about my actions, worries and emotions without any judgement. Everyone needs the opportunity to talk about their feelings in a safe environment because it allows you to break out of negative thought patterns later.

2. Talk about your troubles around your children

One of my worries was that I would pass on my mental health problems to my children if they see me act out. However, according to Child Mind Institute, it’s okay to talk about some of your stresses around your children. In fact, it is very beneficial to talk about your emotions every now and then so your children can learn how to process their own emotions.

After reading this, I began to realise that I wasn’t teaching my children positive behaviours. During particularly heightened moments, I was known to yell at my toddlers and throw my own tantrums.

So I started with the strategy of apologising to my children. If I had an outburst, I would wait until I calmed down and go back to my child to say sorry and explain why I acted that way and what I should have done instead.

After a couple of months of doing this, I became more aware of my feelings and I could actually catch myself when big feelings were about to emerge. Now, when I pre-empt it, I say to my children, ‘I’m having a bit of a hard time emotionally, so I just need to take a minute to take a deep breath.’ Then I go into another room, close my eyes and take a deep breath before going back to my kids.

The biggest bonus is that my eldest, who is only four, has started to implement this strategy too. She manages her emotions very well. My two-year-old son is still very little, but I know he will learn the same in his own time.

Finding little moments in the day for myself and knowing that I’m teaching my children an invaluable life skill has really aided my happiness.

3. Listening to parenting experts

I love reading books, watching YouTube videos and listening to podcasts; basically, anything that will allow me to absorb new information. While I have a list of parenting books I swear by, I find that at the moment that I get triggered, I can’t refer back to chapters that I need quickly enough.

Cue the videos and podcasts. There are a number of both that I find very helpful to listen to, particularly Avital from the Parenting Junkie on YouTube, and Janet from the podcast, Unruffled. Both of these women have such calm and soothing mannerisms and kind motivations. When I am feeling particularly emotional or tense, I put in my earphones and listen to one of these three and listen to their advice. Almost immediately I begin to calm down, whilst also taking in their helpful information that I personally align with.

For me personally, I find it almost meditative and I would highly recommend either listening to these sources or even other parenting podcasts that work for you.

4. Meditation

My points 2 and 3 are ideas that you could try in the heat of the moment to help you calm down quickly. I think we all need those calming influences when mental health problems have been triggered.

Meditation, however, is not an instant fix, but rather an ongoing practice to reduce depression and anxiety, similar to the effects of therapy.

It has been well documented how beneficial meditation is to improve mental health. Meditation can decrease stress levels, which in turn also improves stress-related conditions. Also, daily 20–30 minutes of meditation and mindfulness activities combined to provide relief for those who suffer from depression.

My counsellor recommended that I do daily meditation and mindfulness activities. So I chose to write 3 things I was grateful for and complete a guided meditation every night before going to bed. I personally listened to Jason Stephenson’s guided meditation to help me go to sleep.

Writing 3 things for which I was grateful was probably the most beneficial for me. I began to notice that every night the things I was listing seemed to be about my children. For example, one night I was grateful for when my daughter helped me change her brother’s nappy. Or I was grateful for the big belly laughs my son produces daily. Or I was grateful that my daughter and I bonded over a shared interest in solving jigsaw puzzles. Writing the specific every day moments with my children really helped me to appreciate them, in turn, helping me to better control the really hard moments.

I honestly love my kiddos so much, and now that I have found these techniques to maintain good mental health around them, I find that I am enjoying them so much more. What worked for me might not work for you, but I hope that you find these tips helpful should you ever find yourself in a similar situation.