The Three Books that Shaped Me as a Parent

Books for respectful parents and conscious living.

In this day and age, parenting seems to be getting harder and harder. There are so many contradicting books and websites out there, and it can be not easy to decipher which ones can be the most useful. I want so much to be a respectful parent: a parent who truly tries to listen to and nurture my children. I am by no means perfect (I yelled at my almost 4-year-old this morning after a particularly long sleepless night), but I find that I can continually keep myself aware of my parenting style by reading books. After all, we need to do professional development for our careers, but we don’t always do that for our most important job as parents. Having said that, here are my current three most influential books for respectful parents.

1. ‘A Theory of Objectivist Parenting’ by Roslyn Ross

In my opinion, this book is very underrated because I rarely ever hear it being spoken about, yet I found this book to be the most life-changing read. It completely changed my way of approaching my relationships in general and the way I approach parenting.

Ross’ book is about developing mutual respect rather than control in the parent-child relationship. Instead of seeing your child as someone who needs to be controlled and told what to do, you should see them as a whole person and treat them as you would any person you meet. She discusses how we need to establish our needs in our relationship with our children while also recognizing their needs. The idea is to create a way of life where we respect each others’ needs and avoid bribery, threats, and manipulation.

Would you believe this book also helped my marriage with my husband? After reading it, I noticed that both my husband and I had some slight controlling behaviours that we used on each other. The controlling behaviours were very subtle, but they were beginning to create a void in our relationship. So my husband and I had a long and honest talk with each other, and now we both make a conscientious effort to maintain mutual respect. It has only strengthened our bond.

This book is seriously a must-read for any parent and anyone in general who is interested in learning about different ways to interact with the people in their lives.

2. ‘How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk’ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

This book was so eye-opening for me. I always thought I was a teacher who heard her students and communicated with them effectively. I always thought I would be able to communicate with my future children well too. Boy, was I wrong? This book showed me how I don’t acknowledge feelings enough and how I am often too quick to offer solutions to my students and children.

Beginning with short exercises that challenge your way of communication, ‘How to Talk, so Kids Will Listen’ demonstrates how we as individuals project our own experiences onto others, rather than acknowledging others’ feelings. This book gives you real-life examples and concrete suggestions of what to say in different scenarios so you can arm yourself to communicate with your children.

3. ‘The Whole-Brained Child’ by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

I do not know a lot about science, and I find my brain switches off when I start to hear big scientific terms. So I was surprised how easy it was for me to absorb the human brain's break down in this book. I found that Siegel and Bryson really broke down scientific terms to make them more palatable for the average person. Using research-backed information, the authors show how to navigate the child’s mind and support emotional intelligence. I really appreciated how this book gives suggestions on talking to your child about their bodies and their minds. This has supported me in teaching my children autonomy and regulation of their emotions.

The Montessori Notebook has created a fabulous infographic that accurately summarises this book. I highly recommend checking it out.

Parenting is the most difficult yet most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. Read up on books that you feel will align with your personal beliefs. Pick and choose which strategies and ideas work for you.

Happy reading!