avatarCatherine Mancini

Summary

The article provides strategies for parents to pre-empt and manage toddler tantrums through respectful parenting techniques.

Abstract

The article "How to Pre-empt and Stop Toddler Tantrums" offers insights into managing the challenging behavior of toddlers by employing respectful parenting approaches. The author shares personal experiences of the difficulties faced during the "terrible twos" and emphasizes that children are not inherently "bad" but are simply learning about the world. The strategies suggested include giving ample warnings before transitions, offering choices that align with desired outcomes, ensuring basic needs are met to prevent tantrums, and handling tantrums by being present and validating the child's emotions without giving in to their demands. The article also recommends resources for further guidance, including books, podcasts, and social media accounts specializing in respectful parenting.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the concept of "terrible twos" is misleading and that children are neither good nor bad, but rather developing beings.
  • Giving toddlers choices is seen as a way to grant them autonomy while still achieving parental goals.
  • The author advocates for a routine that meets the child's needs to minimize the chances of tantrums due to hunger, tiredness, or overstimulation.
  • Tantrums should be addressed with patience and empathy, allowing the child to express their emotions fully while maintaining consistent boundaries.
  • The author suggests that parents should not take their child's tantrums personally, as they are a natural part of the child's emotional development.
  • Resources such as Janet Lansbury's work and The Mellow Mama's YouTube channel are highly recommended for parents seeking guidance on handling toddler emotions.

How to Pre-empt and Stop Toddler Tantrums

Respectful parenting tips

Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash

Ear-splitting screams, thrashing, violence, and tears. You’d be forgiven for thinking that a murder was taking place. However, all that happened was a parent said no more tv time to a toddler.

This can be a typical day for most parents of toddlers. It was definitely typical for me with my eldest when she turned two.

Boy, was that a difficult time. I remember thinking that things would never get better and being stressed out every day. I’d wake up every morning wondering what terror I’d be in for that day.

That was until I decided to be proactive and learn more about toddler behaviour and better manage it. Now, my days with toddlers are relatively straightforward, and tantrums are at an absolute minimum.

We have been conditioned to believe our kids can be bad. Phrases like “terrible twos” or “Is she a good baby?” or “threenager” give the impression that our children can be either good or bad. I certainly was accustomed to all of those phrases BEFORE having children because I found most parents talk about whether kids are well-behaved.

However, now through research, I believe children are neither good nor bad. Children’s brains are developing so much, especially in the early years, that they can’t reason and don’t understand the logic. Between the ages of 0–3, babies and toddlers develop 700 brain connections every second. They are just small humans trying to learn about the world and the rules we impose on them.

Think about it: to them, it makes no sense that we are having fun together at the playground, but now suddenly we have to leave. It doesn’t matter that it might be dinner time or starting to rain, a toddler can’t see anything beyond their ego. Moments like these can cause big emotions (aka tantrums) in our small children. These moments can cause defiance.

So I learnt strategies to help me deal with these big feelings. Now on reflection, I think these strategies are really common sense, but I just didn’t know it before.

Here are the strategies I use:

1. Give multiple warnings before doing anything

I know this might seem obvious, but you need to give your small children plenty of warning before doing anything. And I mean anything. Changing nappies, having bath time, leaving the playground, ending activity, and more. You need to stop them, look at them and say, “alright, in 5 minutes, we are going to stop painting, ok?” Then wait for them to respond. If you don’t receive a response, repeat it. If you still don’t get a response, ask your child to repeat you (assuming they are of talking age).

When I say wait for them to respond, truly wait and give your child time to really consider what you are saying. If they ask why simply answer them truthfully. Giving your child plenty of warnings and giving them a chance to really consider what you are saying will likely make your child be more compliant.

For more information on listening and responding, I recommend seeing this video from The Mellow Mama’s Youtube channel.

2. Give your child two options where the result is always what you want

This came from Janet Lansbury’s book, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame (2014). Toddlers love having choices so they can have some autonomy. However, sometimes we need to get them to do certain things they may not want, such as getting dressed, going to the doctor, or leaving a playground.

With the playground example, now when it is time to leave, I always tell them what we have to do in a confident voice and then give them two options. For example: ‘We are leaving the playground now. Would you like to walk back to the car, or would you like me to carry you to the car?’

When I have both my kids with me, I’ll bring the double pram out, and the options are: walk to the car or sit in the pram to the car.

In these examples, the toddlers get a choice, but I will get what needs to be done no matter what they choose.

So far, I have found that it works for everything—a confident voice explaining what must be done, followed by two options for the toddlers.

Fights at bath time? It’s time to wash up. Would you like to have a bath, or would you like to have a shower?

Tidying up? It’s time to tidy up. Would you like to pack up your Lego by yourself, or should we do it together?

3. Ensure needs are met

Toddlers can often have tantrums if they are tired, hungry, stressed, or over stimulated. In these instances, it won’t matter what you’re doing or how you’re handling the situation, toddlers will experience heightened emotions.

Your best bet is to attempt to avoid them.

Try to ensure you have a semi-flexible routine at home. Try to have meals, naps, outings, playtime, and tv time at similar times every day. Obviously, it doesn’t have to be strictly the same time, but if your toddler normally naps at 11.30am, stretching them out to 1pm can cause problems.

To avoid overstimulation, try to keep your home calm. Toys these days are very bright, plastic, and covered with lights and noise. However, all of that stimulation can be too much. Try to only have a few stimulating toys out at once, keep lights low and keep your voice soft.

4. Diffuse the tantrum

I can’t pre-empt the tantrum so often, so I need skills to allow me to handle it. I suffered from anxiety, depression, and PTSD after my daughter's birth, so at first, I found it really difficult to handle tantrums. I turned to Janet Lansbury and found her books and podcasts very helpful in this instance.

Here is the link to one of her podcasts and the transcript that discusses intense tantrums.

I’ve learnt not to take my children’s heightened emotions personally. They have nothing to do with me and everything to do with how my children are feeling.

So when they occur, just sit down with your child patiently and say, ‘I’m here for you.’ Let them have their time no matter how long it takes. Allow them to feel what they’re feeling. However, whatever you do, don’t just give them what they want.

When they calm down enough, affirm their emotions. They are allowed to feel. Say, ‘I can see you’re having a hard time right now. You wanted to watch more television, but I turned it off. Now you’re upset. That’s ok to be upset. Take some time if you need it. I’m here for you’.

Eventually, the child will calm down, and you can have a big cuddle.

Resources I recommend

These are my most favourite resources that I turn back to time and time again to help me with any form of parenting, but mostly dealing with toddler emotions. I think these can be most helpful to anyone.

  1. The Mellow Mama on YouTube
  2. The Parenting Junkie on YouTube
  3. Unruffled Podcast by Janet Lansbury
  4. No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
  5. Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber
  6. Big Little Feelings on Instagram

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