5 Emotions to Be Prepared for When Entering Motherhood

And how I cope with them when times get tough.

You have two sides when you explore the idea of motherhood. Depending on how you are as a person, you might see one side more than the other, or you might try to be neutral and imagine a combination of both.

When I was pregnant, I embraced the happy side of motherhood and all its positive and romantic images. The mother who bossed a career. The woman breastfeeding her baby while on the phone with a friend. The snuggles. The skin-to-skin contact. The pure, unconditional, earthmoving love one feels for their baby was ingrained in me before I’d even so much as thought about conceiving my first child.

I had a lot to be grateful for by the time I was pregnant too because it had always been a dream of mine, and that dream shattered when I found out I had PCOS. I had a brief moment of weakness where I considered the possibility that I may never have children. I brushed myself off however and made it my life’s mission to become pregnant. And voila.

I was basically on a natural high my entire pregnancy. I absolutely ate for two and enjoyed every bite. I floated around the office and only saw through a rosy coloured lens. I shopped for the baby with love and positivity. My experience with pregnancy was truly magical, and my labour, though a little traumatic, was extremely quick — one hour and 9 minutes long.

And then, of course, you get the oxytocin hit when the baby’s born. The love hormone flooded me with an even more intense love that I can never describe, but will never, ever forget. I remember the very night our son was born, holding him while my husband slept in the armchair next to me. I could not for the life of me put him down and attempt to rest. I was too excited. The very memory of this makes me cry as I type this. The gratitude I felt that night, and have done ever since, trumps any bad feeling I have ever, ever had to endure.

But it doesn’t mean we can’t talk about those bad feelings. They may not cancel out or interfere with the love I felt as a new mother to my son, but I absolutely could never deny they were there.

So here they are, the emotions that shook my identity, and how I am working on overcoming each one and hope to deal with once more if they arise when our second son is born in the next month or so.

Confusion

In so many ways.

I found a dirty diaper in the laundry basket once. And months later, I managed to put one through the machine, too. Another time, I drove to my office on auto pilot with my son in the back when I was supposed to be driving to the supermarket.

That famous mom brain is real.

But confusion also sets in more serious ways. I was confused as hell when that so called mother’s instinct didn’t kick in for me when I needed it.

I didn’t automatically think something was wrong with my baby when he wasn’t gaining weight because he was a truly happy and energetic baby. Even when one of the health visitors would ask me if I was sure he was latching on alright, I confirmed that everything was fine.

But it wasn’t. My milk supply was low — only I didn’t know what to compare it to. My son actually had a tongue tie, but I didn’t know that the discomfort I felt was abnormal because I didn’t bleed or blister. If anything, I felt numb after a while and didn’t wince in pain when I breastfed my son.

What made me panic one morning was when I got my son dressed and I saw how thin his arms looked. Suddenly, I had to contact his doctor. We got an appointment with a lactation consultant who confirmed the tongue tie. The waiting list to have the procedure done was too long with the NHS, so we went private. They say that every mother knows best, but I didn’t.

You won’t understand the guilt I felt for not having this instinct I should have had as a mother. I did not know best, and I wish the health visitor who showed concerns would’ve insisted. Because in the end, the baby is what matters most, not the mother’s instinct.

But it’s not just about that.

Confusion enters in many forms when you become a mother. Like how some mothers don’t instantly feel that connection to their child. I did — but it doesn't mean that everyone does. There shouldn't be pressure to automatically fall in love with your baby. I know my husband, for example, didn’t feel that unconditional love that fathers claim they feel when he held our son for the first time. He had a strong desire and need to protect his son, but it did not stem from love. And this should be talked about more to avoid parents feeling like something is wrong with them.

To help deal with confusion, I would simply advise to expect anything and nothing at the same time. Embrace the feelings that come with parenthood, good and bad. Acknowledge that everyone is different, and your experiences are as as real and as special as anyone else’s.

Seek help, too, because as a new mother, you need as much as you can get.

Pride at this point goes out the window, at least it did for me. I once called my neighbour to come and help me because my baby had been crying for an hour and I didn’t know what to do after trying to soothe him in different ways. She dropped everything and was here in less than a minute. The baby fell asleep as soon as she entered through the door. She simply held him for an hour and kept me company while I got on with a few things. That made a huge difference to the rest of my day — I felt somewhat human again and much better equipped to take care of my son.

Guilt

This one is hard to budge. But the reasons for feeling guilty change over time.

As we move on from the guilt of not spending enough time with our partners because we’re focused on the baby, a new kind of guilt enters the room to surprise you.

My guilt went from forgetting friends’ birthdays to not knowing how to comfort my crying baby, to feeling bad for potentially making the wrong choices for our son.

I felt guilty if I didn’t pick him up straight away when he cried. Or for having to put him down so I could take a shower. For dragging him to the doctor’s for his immunisation jabs when he was fast asleep (at last!)

As he got older, for having to leave him for an hour so I could do something for myself, such as get a haircut. For needing to sleep. God, that sleep. Which brings me to my next point, but let me finish this one first.

Another type of guilt caught me by surprise — the guilt of not going back to work so I could be with my son full time. Guilt for letting my employer down at the start of the pandemic. Guilt for feeling like I may regret this some day and feel resentment towards my son. Guilt for seemingly letting a team of women down because the right to be a working mother is an opportunity I did not take.

My son is 2.5 years old. I am learning to cope with those feelings of guilt by telling myself that nobody is perfect, and that I am doing my best.

And that’s what matters.

What anyone else thinks is unimportant. Sometimes, what you think about yourself, especially when it’s negative, is unimportant. When I learned to become more positive as a person, the guilt didn’t touch me so deeply. Today, I am mostly proud of my choices. I’m aware that my situation is extremely good because I have choices. I focus on that to get me over the guilt. I focus on the fact that I deserve everything good, just like anyone else does. So I am learning to take everything good that comes my way — guilt-free.

Exhaustion

Probably the one that intensifies all the other bad feelings.

I ticked many of the symptoms associated with postnatal depression, and I feel it was caused by a lack of sleep. I say this because as soon as I got my sleep back, even after 2 good nights of sleep in a row, I felt like a brand new shiny Mercedes.

I swear to God.

If as a parent you have trouble with your baby’s sleep and it’s getting in the way of your own resting time — please, do whatever it takes to solve it. You are not supposed to sacrifice your sleep for your baby’s. Doing so only makes things worse for everyone involved.

It will become a problem that you won’t know how bad it is till it’s too late. It will ruin your relationship with your partner, with yourself, and it will mess with your identity. I tried my absolute hardest to co-sleep with my son and I was eternally exhausted.

When I tried to help him become more independent and failed, I was hopeless and beaten and broken. I knew I needed to fix the sleep, but I really didn’t know how detrimental it had been to the whole family’s health until after when we all reaped the benefits of sleep training — because, yes, the benefits are for everyone.

Anger

This one’s a biggie because as a new mother, you may feel the instinct to swallow any anger you have towards yourself, your partner, or even your baby.

But it comes out in different forms eventually. It may manifest in the way you move. It may show in your eyes as you pick up your baby, who by the way, can feel your energy and will take it on too. It may come out as a snappy, sarcastic comment towards a friend.

It doesn’t matter what you do, but if that anger isn’t dealt with, it will get worse and it will come out.

For me, it came out in the form of me stuffing the pacifier into my baby’s mouth angrily and shocking him. He had woken up for the umpteenth time that evening, and all I wanted was to spend an evening chilling out on the couch with my husband, watching TV. Something we had not enjoyed in months. That anger turned into resentment towards my own son and it demonstrated itself physically.

My husband was not sympathetic when I told him what I’d done. No, I hadn’t hurt my son, but I had let my emotions get the better of me physically. I knew if I didn’t do something about my anger there and then, I would not be the best version of myself to anyone, and my son did not deserve anything less than that.

It’s OK to admit when you’re angry. It’s good to acknowledge it. Because only then can you do something about it. For me, it meant really looking at our issues and solving them one by one (starting with our sleep at the time).

Sadness

Being 8 months pregnant, I have been hormonal, and I have shed more tears than usual. Still, it doesn’t give me the excuse to not be aware of my feelings and react impulsively or snap.

Let me tell you the importance of this. Yesterday, I was sat in the car with my son in the back as I was on the phone with various receptionists, trying to book an important appointment for my son. At one point, I became so frustrated that my voice broke. As I hung up, tears started to well up in my eyes. Before I had even let a tear fall, my son, who was sat behind me in the car seat, asked “mummy, are you sad?”

The fact my son recognised this emotion in his mother from just listening to her voice, I don’t know if it’s good or bad.

But I do know he needs to be able to recognise emotions to build on his empathy. And I also know that being sad is not a bad thing as long as we are capable of coming out of that sadness. So I told him that yes, I was a little sad, but that overall I was OK. I then got out some chocolatey snacks and we ate them together before I drove away to our next appointment.

Sadness is a part of life. But it’s overwhelming. I had to learn to deal with it so I could be the best mother, even during the worst of times.

Final Thoughts

I have never been so in tune with my emotions because I want to ensure I teach my son how to cope with them all.

Every new parent faces challenges. It’s important to acknowledge them in order to be able to deal with them rather than simply ride them through life and let them consume you.

Becoming aware of them as and when you feel them not only helps you tone them down, but it enables you to validate them, and problem solve.

When you don’t snap or react to your emotions straight away, you’re taking a moment to detach yourself from them and see them as separate entities to yourself. This helps you to objectify them and see them as things that need attention and an action plan. This not only will give you more control of your feelings, but it will empower you to deal with them.

Your baby will reap the benefits of this too by learning to cope and regulate his or her emotions.

And most importantly, know this if you are a parent: you’ve got this.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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