3 Key Steps To Reconcile Relationships.

It’s much easier said than done, but it’s a start.

How do you reconcile a friendship where trust is almost gone?

At this moment in my life, I don’t know how.

I’ve had this question and answer sitting in my drafts for months.

I’ve been going back and forth, wondering how to give a genuine answer.

I’ve written on many occasions about friendship breakups and why they happen — you’ll see some throughout this blog.

I’ve also addressed some of my personal experiences. After much self-reflection, struggling, and overcoming obstacles in other areas, I may have some possible answers.

To reconcile a friendship, first, you need time.

There are a lot of feelings and emotions after a friendship breakup, and it’s important to let as much of them pass so that when the opportunity comes to address what went wrong, it doesn’t turn into a full-blown shit show.

The kicker, there’s no timeline for this.

You may not get the opportunity to address the events that took place for years.

I’ve witnessed people not speak to each other for decades, but life gave them an opportunity to make amends.

In the meantime, revisiting the events that led to the breakup is okay.

To me, it’s a way to help process my feelings — to collect my thoughts and understand the reasons why I felt hurt.

This is also an opportunity to practice establishing standards and boundaries.

When you feel hurt, it’s usually an indication that a boundary has been crossed.

If you don’t practice self-awareness, you won’t know why you’re feeling hurt in the first place.

I’ve learned I was hurt when the boundary of my decision-making and autonomy was crossed — let me explain.

I had a falling out with my friends because I was expected to follow their advice and do what they thought was best.

Spoiler alert — I didn’t. I was cast aside and told I was a bad friend for not listening.

I was hurt because I respected their autonomy.

I respected that their decision-making was theirs. I understood I could give my two cents, but there was a possibility my advice could fall on deaf ears.

I was hurt because I felt my friends couldn’t accept that I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

It felt like they couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea that we could be friends, even if they disagreed with some of the things I did.

I was able to do this for them; why couldn’t they do it for me?

Both parties must be willing to give each other space to share their perspectives.

This is the most difficult part.

Hearing how the other person was hurt and the pain it caused is not easy.

Nobody wants to hear how they messed up and take accountability — nobody likes to admit they made a mistake.

When making amends, you must allow the other person the time and space to get everything off their chest.

To ultimately come to a resolution, they need to do the same for you.

As a recovering people pleaser, learning how to hold myself and others accountable has been a rocky road.

I’ve learned conflict and speaking out against behavior you disagree with is part of a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise.

In the past, I never held my friends accountable.

I never spoke out against things they said or did that hurt me. I internalized those feelings, which made my friends think I was fine and unbothered.

This set the precedent that they could do and say anything they wanted because I would never complain, at least not directly to them.

This leads to resentment and false expectations, which ultimately lead to disappointment.

Accountability and honesty are not easy but necessary for an equitable, fair, and genuine friendship.

Both parties need to be willing to forgive.

I take it back; this is the most difficult thing to do when making amends.

It’s hard to forgive someone for the hurt they have caused. Some instances are easier than others, but regardless, choosing forgiveness is hard.

This also requires a lot of emotional maturity — if you choose to forgive, you’re no longer keeping tabs.

You’re choosing to let go of the past and start anew. Again, easier said than done.

Forgiveness is beautiful because it allows us to release the pain and resentment we are holding onto.

It also allows us to accept the person we’re reconciling with for who they are.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have standards or boundaries.

As I said earlier, revisiting the events that took place is the opportunity to learn and establish new rules of engagement for the relationship.

Now that you’re aware of this person’s shortcomings and what they can and cannot do for the relationship, you know exactly where you stand with them.

Reconciliation doesn’t mean you’ll be besties again, but you’re on good terms, and things can improve.

Do you have any experience reconciling with friends or family?

What do you think is important to come to a resolution?

Please leave a comment about what you think!