How to Make a Relationship Work in 2023.
A letter to the men and women who are looking for real love.
*I will be speaking from the point of view of a heterosexual woman.*
Where’s the line when you get to have both your needs and your partner’s needs met?
How much of yourself do you feel you have to give up to satisfy the person you’re in a relationship with? But what about you?
I asked myself these questions at the start of my relationship — the one I’m currently in.
Having an independent spirit, compromise felt like I was giving up a part of myself — dishonoring who I am and my beliefs.
It wasn’t until about a year and a few months into my relationship that I learned the actual meaning of this — consideration.
When you’re in a relationship, if you want your partner to consider you and what you like, you must also learn to consider their feelings and what they like.
Here’s the kicker, it takes time.
You don’t learn to adapt or accept this overnight — It requires a lot of difficult conversations.
It’s also a lot more nuanced than it sounds.
Some things don’t always need compromise — things you know are extreme and should be stopped instead of appeasing.
To change these things, you need patience, persistence, and sometimes a little attitude and putting your foot down.
I could name a hundred examples — how you dress, if you’re outgoing, talkative, or the complete opposite of these things.
Aspects of your lifestyle or who you are that make your partner uncomfortable, but they don’t cross a line or jeopardize your relationship.
I’m fighting this battle because, unfortunately, men have been conditioned to expect a wife from the 1950s.
In reality, many men are taught to want and expect a submissive, docile, freak in the sheets, lady in the streets, knows how to cook and clean and do all the chores by herself kind of woman.
Think about how these men saw their mothers behave throughout their formative years — it makes sense.
It was a different generation, and circumstances were very different during this time.
The other side of reality is a lot of women don’t want to do these things anymore — circumstances have changed significantly, and now there are other options.
If some women are okay with doing these things, they don’t want to do them alone because they saw their mothers struggle and have struggled themselves — they want and need help.
What I’ve observed and come to the conclusion of is women want to be acknowledged and celebrated for the hard work they do.
They want men to contribute because things are more complex than they used to be, and they know they can’t do it all alone.
They want men to accept and understand that a woman’s purpose can go beyond the household — having children is not the only function women were made for.
They want men to see them as complete and whole human beings capable of making good, rational decisions — they want their partner’s support along the way.
They want men to acknowledge their flaws. To accept they’re not perfect and can make mistakes, too — they want men to be humble.
I’ve been fortunate to see these things take place in my relationship.
It’s taken a lot of work, but I’m happy my partner and I are growing, evolving, and becoming better versions of ourselves.
The progress that we’ve made over the past year and a half makes me very excited for the future.
I have a vision of where we could be, of how far we could go, and as time passes and we get better at understanding each other and working together, my hope for accomplishing this vision increases.
Sadly, most people are not ready to be in a relationship.
We’re not taught the kind of work a healthy and thriving relationship requires.
Our culture’s focus on hyper-independence is now doing more harm than good — not just for romantic relationships.
We focus so much on “being” ourselves and living our best life that we have forgotten what being in a community means.
What contribution means, and more importantly, compromise and consideration.
Without these three things — contribution, compromise, and consideration — it’s impossible to have an equitable relationship.
As the saying goes, anything worthwhile is never easy.
Relationships are not supposed to be easy, either.
It will take time and a lot of failed attempts at relationships to find someone who can practice the three things I mentioned above.
Once you find someone who chooses to contribute to the relationship, consider your feelings, and compromise on things that are important to you, odds are you’ve found someone you could do life with — as long as you practice these three things as well.
