avatarMark Suroviec, M.Ed.

Summary

The article humorously outlines common mistakes writers make on Medium that prevent their articles from being promoted, such as giving unqualified advice, writing poorly, using clickbait titles, and neglecting to engage with the platform's community effectively.

Abstract

The piece, titled "CLUB MEEDZ," satirically presents 13 reasons why a writer's content on Medium might not be getting the desired boost or visibility. It suggests that writers may be unqualified to offer advice, produce low-quality content, or employ tactics that annoy rather than engage the Medium community and its CEO, Tony Stubblebine. The article also critiques the use of overly long sentences, clickbait headlines, and the misuse of tags for self-promotion. It emphasizes the importance of genuine content and engagement with other writers, while also poking fun at the Medium algorithm and the sometimes melodramatic reactions of writers to not being featured.

Opinions

  • The author believes that giving self-help advice without proper qualifications is a common issue among Medium writers.
  • Writers are criticized for intentionally lowering the quality of their content to avoid making peers jealous of their intellectual capabilities.
  • The article suggests that writers often blame Medium's CEO, Tony Stubblebine, and the platform's algorithm for their lack of visibility, rather than taking responsibility for their own content.
  • The use of clickbait titles and stories is seen as a detrimental practice that undermines the integrity of content on Medium.
  • There is a perception that some writers shamelessly promote their businesses through their Medium stories, which is frowned upon.
  • The author points out that writers often fail to deliver on the promises made in their titles, leading to reader disappointment.
  • The piece humorously implies that the Medium algorithm is as outdated as the software from 1990s Tamagotchi digital pets.
  • Writers are chastised for tagging prominent Medium writers without permission and for creating "tag storms" for self-benefit.
  • The author suggests that writers should focus on creating quality content and engaging with the community rather than solely seeking visibility and boosts.

CLUB MEEDZ

13 Reasons You’re Writing Ain’t Boosted

Don’t blame Coach Tony for your mistakes

Guess who’s not on the rocket? Image by WikiImages from Pixabay

Have you been left off the Medium boost train? Why is your vivid Medium writing not getting the boost juice it deserves? Here are thirteen reasons you may want to consider:

One

You are unqualified to give self-help advice, but you do so without shame.

Two

You don’t want other writers to be jealous of superior brain voltage, so you sandbag your intellectual output with infantile potty humor.

Three

You’re writing sucks. Not in an obvious way — like mistaking the difference between “your” and “you’re.” YOUR writing sucks in an “I can’t tell the difference between your words and ChatGPT way.” ¹

Four

You tagged Tony Stubblebine in SEVEN ridiculous stories about Medium’s fictitious Private Island Resort for Top Writers. ²

You fear you are on an ultra stealthy permanent no-boost list, like the mythical shadow ban. It’s your fault. Tony’s kindness and approachable manner make it easy to forget he’s the BLOODY CEO OF THE COMPANY, who PAYS YOU and doesn’t have time or energy for your melodramatic satire.

Like the boy-person who cried wolf-person too many times, he will never take you seriously. Even if you write from the heart about Good Friday's profoundly personal and spiritual significance or your clever productivity hack reveals how assigned roles in meetings keep professionals on task and avoid distractions.

Five

Maybe it’s because of your highly long run-on sentences that seem to go on and on forever, like a scuba diver methodically rising to the surface to avoid the bends, but when she gets to the top, she realizes she ascended too fast and has to be put in a barometric chamber to stay alive, but she still has her phone inside the chamber, and her TikTok videos of Barom3Tr1xParTeGurl get 2.1 million views, and we all ask how could this happen, and then we realize that it wasn’t any typical teenager, but Greta Thunberg the whole time — how’s that for a plot twist?

Six

You write clickbaity stories with titles like 100% Email Open Rates — Guaranteed! It doesn’t matter that the story is technically true, and the one time you employed this marketing strategy — with your mom — she immediately opened your email. Keep quiet, Mr. or Ms. Serious Statistics Person, 1 out of 1 is 100%.

Seven

You let your Grammarly subscription lapse, and now you are forced to edit your writing with their less reliable competitor, Eh, I-Guess-It’s-Ok-ly.

It proudly approves your 105-word sentence about Greta and declares your words “like Homer’s Illiad, but better and stuff.”

Eight

You shamelessly promote your business by disguising your company slogan as inspirational wisdom.

For more information, visit workplaysolutions.com — Made by Author in Canva Pro

Nine

You flippantly stated, “The only way the Medium algorithm could be this inept at recommending quality stories is if it runs on the original software from the 90s era Tamagotchi digital pets.” The algorithm, hungry from not being fed for twenty-six years, saw your comment and will not forgive you. Neither will Jay C Wells.

Ten

You use famous Medium writers like Kristen Stark and Srini as characters in your stories without their permission, but not in a comical way like Grimsby Hackney.

Eleven

You are a selfish writer who could have used this story to promote your favorite Medium writers like:

Raine Lore, Philip Ogley, Kristine Laco, Patrick Eades, Smillew Rahcuef, Oscar Rhea, Rachel A Fefer, David B. Clear, Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), Christopher Robin, Lindy Vogel, Bicho, Sally Prag, Adam Robinson, Hollie Petit, Ph.D., Tejaswini Katreddy, Kendra Sparkles, Annie Trevaskis, Ann James, Argumentative Penguin, Ajin, Ginger Cook, Selina Miyasia, Carlo Zeno, David Perlmutter, Eric Filipkowski, Philip Mann-Montreal, Robin Wilding 💎, Tai Le Grice, Jennifer McDougall, Jennifer Barrios Tettay, Debra Groves Harman, MEd, and Susie Kearley. ³

Instead, you inserted a big-*ss tag storm for your benefit. Are there any boundaries to your narcissism?

Twelve

You need to deliver on promises made by the title and provide thirteen reasons — you did not.

Takeaway

If you don’t get boosted, it is your own d*mn fault — or mine.

Footnotes

¹ Not a compliment

² Now eight

³ Not the exhaustive list of my favorite writer-humans on Medium. Ten seconds after publishing this story, I will realize I forgot to add someone obvious — like Captain Obvious.

New to Medium? Want to read stories by authors with immensely more talent than Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.? Join Medium here, and I will — who am I kidding? No one will read this story.

Writing
Satire
Humor
Writing Tips
Medium
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