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Financial Planning with (Not-a-Doctor) Mark

Flamethrowers are not a legitimate business expense

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark is a monthly column where non-guru Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. answers your self-help questions on topics he doesn’t fully understand.

Mark’s Guide to Wealth and Taxes— April 2023

Question #1

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

I’m a megahotz TikTok performer with 105K followers. This is my first year filing my taxes without my mom’s help. I bought a flamethrower for my videos, but I’m concerned the IRS may not consider it a legitimate business expense.

— Flammin_Hot_Cheet0z_105

The response

Dear Destroyer of Worlds,

Before I answer your question, I am legally obligated to inform you that:

I am not a Certified Financial Planner, CPA, or Fiduciary. ¹

My financial training consists of attending the first twelve minutes of the Accounting Practices That May or May Not Keep You Out of Jail — Zoom webinar.

Adding to my impressive resume, I regularly listen to the Clark Howard Podcast. Since Clark knows money, and I listen to him, you should listen to me and give me your money.

As a small business owner who buys objects like PVC Pipe and Pool Noodles as teambuilding supplies, I share your concern about audit-prone G-men and their mysterious purchases.

My best advice? Turn your TikTok empire into a money laundering front for the Norwegian Mafia. With the dramatic increase of criminal activity on your tax return, the authorities will ignore your flamethrower.

You’re welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Question #2

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

Before the March Madness Basketball Tournament, I was deeply concerned that the NCAA did not have an official Exchange Traded Fund (ETF). Who can sleep in a universe where Fortune 500 companies aren’t the official sponsors of unrelated products and services? ²

— Edward Thaddius Faximius

The response

Dear ETF,

Sleep soundly, my friend. Invesco paid 2.1 bajillion dollars to let you dream of QQQ androgynous sheep. Take that former fear and deposit it in a low-risk municipal aardvark bond (MAD).

You’re welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Question #3

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

Can you settle a disagreement between my husband and me? We are in our early seventies and have a net worth of 14.3 billion dollars. My financial advisor told me we should diversify our stock portfolio or find unsexy index funds. My husband wants to put our life savings into synthetic alpaca wool and a website called Only Fans — For Pets. We tried asking our son for advice, but he burned down the pool house with his flame-bobber thingy.

— Plain, but Rich, Penelope

The response

My Cherished and Precious Penelope,

May I call you Penny? Despite meeting you three minutes ago, I feel the closeness of the universe drawing us together.

Financial planning is more than deciding which investment will bring maximum income. Instead, consider the legacy you want to leave on this quaint little ball of rock and gas. What are you passionate about? What is your mission? Is your will up to date? ³

Regardless of sex appeal, an index fund might increase your wealth, but what will it do for your soul? Sustainable farming and helping pets with weird fetishes are noble callings, but is that how you want to be remembered? You must feel the anchor-like weight of that idle cash smothering your joy. What good will it be to enter the magical-gated-community-in-the-sky holding tightly to your possessions?

Instead, consider the future of other human-type persons. I’m not talking about your precious offspring — he couldn’t poop himself out of a paper bag.

What fills our eternity with potential is the imagination of today. Harken to the bards of peace, the dreamers of tomorrow, the introverted artisans of language — Online Content Writers.

Give your fortune away, not to some inefficient charity or your undeserving TikTokian. Feel the weight off your shoulders and bestow the burdensome billions on a worthy cause.

Me.

Donate today: ko-fi.com/workplaysol

You’re welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark ⁴

Footnotes

¹ To prevent this story from swelling to the length of a Steven King novel, Mark Suroviec, M.Ed.’s lack of qualifications were limited to financial planning.

² I can’t be the only person who watched these commercials and immediately thought, “Why would anyone care who the official ETF of the NCAA is?”

³ Let me know if you need assistance updating your account beneficiaries. My last name is spelled S-U-R-O-V-I-E-C.

⁴ The preceding story is a work of satire. Under no circumstances should the recommendations be considered sound financial advice forthwith, henceforth, and other legal-sounding words.

Thank you, Jennifer McDougall, for your not-a-editor editing.

Thank you Hollie Petit, Ph.D., and Toni the Talker, for encouraging me to turn Not-a-Doctor Mark into a series.

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