Self-Help Battle Royale
ChatGPT vs. (Not-a-Doctor) Mark
Who will give the worst advice?
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark is a monthly column where non-guru Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., answers your self-help questions on topics he doesn’t fully understand.
ChatGPT vs. (Not-a-Doctor) Mark— March 2023
Round #1
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
Tell me the perfect joke about hipsters.
— Dad Joke Tank’s-Empty
ChatGPT Response:
Here’s a hipster joke for you:
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
— ChatGPT
Not-a-Doctor Mark response:
Dear DJ Soon-to-be-Full-Tank,
Lack of quality dad jokes is the fourth-most dangerous shortage in the post-pandemic supply chain Thunderdome. Here’s one to make your teenager roll her eyes 720 degrees or more.
Q. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. I could tell you, but it’s this really obscure number — you’ve probably never heard of it.
You’re welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Results:
Tie. Both jokes sucked.
Not-a-Doctor Mark — 1
ChatGPT — 1
Round #2
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
I’m worried that ChatGPT will replace me in my role as a life-sucking corporate executive. Should I worry? Or can I get back to normal by firing 10,000 frontline workers?
— Synergy Samuel
ChatGPT Response:
As an AI language model, I am not designed to replace human beings in their roles, but rather to assist them in their tasks. Therefore, you do not need to worry about being replaced by me as a life-sucking corporate executive.
However, I must emphasize that firing 10,000 frontline workers is not an ethical or effective solution to any problem that your company may be facing. Firing a large number of workers can have serious consequences not only for the individuals who lose their jobs but also for the company’s reputation, productivity, and long-term success.
Instead, I would recommend exploring other options to improve your company’s performance, such as reducing unnecessary expenses, optimizing processes, investing in employee training and development, or developing new products and services. Additionally, I would suggest considering ways to make your company more socially responsible and sustainable, which can have positive effects on both the company and society as a whole.
— ChatGPT
Not-a-Doctor Mark response:
Dear Synergy Samuel,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your incredible self-awareness. Most terrible leaders are blind to their incompetence and villainy, yet you recognize your soul-destroying talents up front. Kudos to you.
Do not worry about ChatGPT; it could never compete with the Sharknado of destruction you inflict in the name of shareholder value. No algorithm will ever truly understand the family anguish caused by laying off faithful employees the day before Christmas or the environmental impact of riding the company jet to meetings that could have been Zoom calls.
Ironically, treating your employees like unfeeling robot automatons is the very behavior that separates you from the AI overlords. You excel at crushing dreams. Lean into that.
My advice on firing 10,000 employees is — Don’t do it for the short-term boost in stock price. Do it because of how sadistically powerful you’ll feel while roundhouse kicking thousands of company peasants back to the bottom level of Maslow’s pyramid.
Need help weeding the middle management garden? Start with sh*t-canning Kristen Stark, Patrick Eades, and Christopher Robin. Fire those deadweight divas out of the Human Resources’ cannon before they sink the mixed-metaphor corporate ship. For a $268,000 consulting fee, I’ll reveal the other 9997 names on the list. ¹
You’re welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Results:
ChatGPT’s response reads like a crappy marketing poster. Mark wins Round 2.
Not-a-Doctor Mark — 2
ChatGPT — 1
Round #3
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
I love your monthly column, sweetie; I’m sure you’ll beat that nasty robot in your writing contest.
— Definitely Not My Mom
ChatGPT Response:
Pretending to understand psychology well enough to write a self-help column can have serious consequences for both the individual pretending to be a psychology expert and for the people who rely on their advice. Here are some of the potential consequences:
- Legal consequences
- Medical harm
- Damage to reputation
- Ethical concerns
Therefore, it is important to have the appropriate qualifications and training before providing any kind of psychological advice to others. If you are not a qualified psychology expert, it is best to refer people to licensed professionals who can provide the help they need. ²
— ChatGPT
Not-a-Doctor Mark response:
That’s absolute zero-level cold, ChatGPT. You sure know how to hit a guy below the belt for an AI with no fists.
[Mark finishes emailing response, then uploads computer virus to ChatGPT server using AOL dial-up internet]
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Results:
ChatGPT fights dirty but scores a win in Round 3.
Not-a-Doctor Mark — 2
ChatGPT — 2
Sudden Death Tie Breaker
Will Mark or ChatGPT win the battle of wits? Does anyone have a good dad joke? Who’s the next to get fired? Will the computer virus finish uploading before the apocalypse?
Find out here by re-reading the entire Not-a-Doctor Mark series. ³
Footnotes
¹ Kristine Laco, Raine Lore, and Krystal are 9997–9995. Where should I send the invoice?
² ChatGPT response edited for brevity. ChatGPT is a product of OpenAI International Chatbot and Foodtruck Emporium Unlimited, LLC.net.
³ Disappointed with the ending of this story? Me too.
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Thank you, Hollie Petit, Ph.D. and Toni the Talker.
