Satire

17 Zoom Pranks for Quiet Quitters

The fox says, “You are on mute.”

Suffering through another Zoom call that should be a deleted email?

Quietly quitting lacking the drama and mischief you hoped for?

Disrespected at your job since the reign of Pope John Paul II?

Wearing your pandemic pants to mandatory office days?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, try some of these award-winning self-care tactics of Zoom call buffoonery.

The Blocker

Add Zoom.com to the list of blocked websites in your antivirus software. When IT investigates, confidently declare, “I KNOW FOR A FACT — Zoom is a porn site.”

The Improv Performer

Deflect the meeting agenda by saying “Yes, and” to every comment in the meeting. Misuse this helpful improv strategy to steer topics towards your co-workers’ hot buttons.

“The website wireframes look crisper than the previous design. I’m still worried we chose the wrong font size.”

Yes, and can you believe building security caught Eugene making extacy pills out of print toner? Janice, aren’t you the one that hired him?”

The Turn

In the most tedious ring part of the meeting, open your video settings and rotate 90 degrees to the left. The presenter will notice the quiet snickers within twenty seconds and stop the presentation. Act very confused until some of your co-workers discover the rotation trick themselves.

Guaranteed to kill at least 10 minutes as more and more people play with this undiscovered but useless feature.¹

The AR Pirate

If you’ve already done the Turn, select from the variety of mustaches and other Augmented Reality filter effects.

The Replacement

Replace your Zoom profile picture with a screenshot of someone else’s Zoom window on the call. When you turn your camera off, presto! Your meeting has two Alans.

Alan #2 can’t answer any questions because his screen looks frozen. ²

The Subtle Faker

Select the Zoom call gallery view and share your screen. It looks like nothing happened, but no one else will be able to share their screens. They will also be confused about why the buttons don’t work.

The Chat Boss

Change your Zoom profile to match your boss’s name and profile picture. Then contribute actively in the chat window.

“Memo: To all Tesla Employees. The month of September is now a paid holiday. THE ENTIRE MONTH” — Elon Musk

When your boss tries to reestablish control, respond in the chat, “that women’s an imposter!” ³

The Broken Camera

Put a piece of electrical tape over the webcam. “I don’t know why you can’t see me; my camera’s on.”

The Worst

Simultaneously fire 900 employees on a Zoom call. Make sure you say they were lazy and stealing from the company. ⁴

The Missing Link

Delete one random character from the Zoom meeting ID. Make sure you delete the same character in the original invitation. When you get an angry email about missing the meeting, forward the link you have as proof of your innocence.

The Bladder of Plenty

On a break, leave your microphone on. Go to the bathroom and slowly pour water from a 5-gallon bucket into the toilet. Make your co-workers wonder if you can pee for 6.5 minutes straight.

The Gender Reveal

Spend the entire meeting pretending your HR training is a gender reveal party. Obtain clues from the most benign sources. “Patricia, I noticed your virtual background is the ocean. A baby blue ocean….”

The Test Lab

Forward fake emails that claim the software update to Zoom Client 4.18.25b9 makes company laptops waterproof. Vigorously suggest testing this new feature during the meeting.

When your computer is irreparable, complain that those lazy vagabonds in IT must have installed Zoom Client 4.16.23b9 instead.

The Phisherman

Continuously click on junk phishing emails until some generous hacker hijacks your computer. When you get locked out, refuse to give in.

We do not negotiate with terrorists.

The Whack-a-mole

Play a little game of Breakout Room Whack-a-mole in your next all-hands town hall. Hop from room to room every 20 seconds or anytime your boss joins your conversation.

The Subtle One

Shout “I’m quietly quitting!” whenever it’s your turn to talk.

The Outsider

If all else fails, invite me to your meeting. I’ll make humorous commentary and snarky remarks about the participants in the Zoom chat. 100% guaranteed to be 80% distracting and 20% funny. ⁵

It’s the best $1000.00 you ever spent with the company credit card.

Footnotes

¹ Did I perform the Turn and other Zoom pranks in real meetings? Yes, pandemics are not fun without a bit of help.

² Unless your call already has two Alans. In that case, question your life choices.

³ I may not have done everything on the list, but the Chat Boss got me in trouble. Isn’t imitation the most sincere form of flattery?

⁴ How do I define irony? This douchebag power move happened at a company called Better.com. I find this so unbelievable my humor tank ran dry.

⁵ If there were a market for interactive zoom chat comedy during soul-sucking corporate meetings, I would be a billionaire. It’s my useless, unmonetized superpower.

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