Yaaaaarrrgggh, There be pirates, Matey

Navy Accidentally Sells Battleship to Unhinged Civilian

Aboard the H.M.S. Rascal with Captain Kristen Stark

How did this monumentally dangerous blunder occur? The story will surprise you.

Kristen Stark reportedly went to a shady used car dealer in New Jersey looking to replace her unfaithful 1981 Honda Accord.

“I’m tired of this crappy small car. I want something as huge as Lebron James’ calf muscles. I want a literal boat!” Stark told the dealer, expecting a sedan with a long wheelbase like a Buick or Cadillac.

Don Prantonelli, a used car salesman and language purist, apparently didn’t realize that when people say literally, they almost always mean figuratively.

He immediately called the naval architect and battleship salesperson Srini.

“Srini, my favorite panini. I have a broad with a serious bod here looking for a big ride. Do you have a huge boat you can sell me?”

“Don, my least favorite Italian stereotype who likes to objectify women and nickname people after sandwiches, you bet I do,” Srini replied with a touch of sass.

“It’s a Mcgruber-Douglas Series 3XF Battleship. It costs 44 million dollars.”

Don called back Stark with the price. “I got something just your style. It’s 44 large.”

Not realizing that large meant millions, Kristen shouted her best offer into the speakerphone.

“Do you think he’d cut us a deal? I have $43 and some spearmint Tic Tacs that were discontinued in 2011.”

Srini, excited about finishing a significant sale before lunch, assumed she meant 43 million and approved the purchase.

“Tell her to come to Norway and pick up the boat.”

Stark, thrilled to haggle such a favorable deal on a new ride, asked no clarifying questions that could create major plot holes in this story.

H.M.S. Rascal Christened in Oslo

After smashing a $2.98 box o’ wine on the ship’s prow, it officially became the H.M.S. Rascal. What inspired her battleship’s name?

“Well, the H.M.S. part comes from my early acting career. To help pay for college, I played Mabel Mellons in an X-Rated version of The Pirates of Penzance. Gil and Sully, not to be confused with playwrights Gilbert and Sullivan, taught me two things. What it means to be a sultry pirate wench and that H.M.S. comes before a ship’s name.” ¹

“I’m all about calling people rascals in 2023. It’s going to be so cool, you see.”

“What else would I call my pirate battleship?” Stark added in a comment that surely wasn’t made up by the author.

Captain Stark’s Pirate Adventures

What happened when she sailed out of Norway? How did she find her crew? What battles contributed to her legend? How much trade-in value did she get for her 81’ Accord?

What kind of seafareing shenanigans did Captain Kristen get into with her half-stolen battleship?

I challenge you to write a story telling more of Captain Stark’s Pirate Adventures ²

Srini, Kristen Stark, Smillew Rahcuef, BichoDoMato, Christopher Robin, Raine Lore, Ann James, Grimsby Hackney, Annie Trevaskis, Malky McEwan, Patrick Metzger, Patrick Eades, Philip Ogley, Kristine Laco, Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), Uvebruce, P. L. Goaway, Cristina Cattai, Jennifer McDougall, Oscar Rhea, Shirley Laffa, Adam Robinson, Gunner Barrett, Tejaswini Katreddy, Ginger Cook

This story from Srini helped to inspire Captain Stark’s pirate journey.

Pirates get their stories promoted. Here’s a recent one from Kristen Stark.

See the rest of the 2022 Medium awards given by Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. Yes, I just tagged myself.

Footnotes

¹ Stark further described what she thinks H.M.S. stands for, but the words are too lewd to type.

² I think writing challenges are fun. If this annoyed you, let me know, and I won’t tag you again. Looking forward to seeing what swashbuckling stories you tell!

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