Yes, you do have to eat this

100 Kale Things In 20 Kale Minutes

One kale minute equals 3.4 human minutes

1. kale salad
2. kale sera sera
3. crossword clue: veggie violist for the Velvet Underground
4. nine levels of kale in Dante’s Inferno
5. do not rub kale on your underarms for luck
6. it only works if you rub it on the perineum
7. you’re allowed to experiment on kale without its consent
8. but not have sex — no means no
9. kale songs of the Mesozoic
10. I’ll see you in kale!
11. that time your wife went out with some kale and the kale got drunk and your wife brought the kale home and the kale was talking really loud, waking the kids, so you tried to get the kale to be quiet, but it wouldn’t, so you poked it hard on the stem — harder than you should have — and the kale started crying because you had triggered its PTSD
12. bad kale is better than good Swiss chard
13. Bob Guccione did an issue of Penthouse devoted to kale and the feds suppressed it as obscene, burning every copy except what could be smuggled out in the luggage of Roman Polanski
14. Obama was originally going to say “kale” in that speech, but went with “arugula” because he’s a spineless centrist
15. White House staffers could be heard singing “Kale to the Chief” for days after
16. a secret kale reserve is kept in the empty nuclear silos of Nebraska
17. Bruce Springsteen wrote a song, “With a Shovel and Kale,” for his Nebraska album, but the cassette demo was eaten by the car’s player
18. the new iKale, from Apple
19. e-kale, for us PC plebs
20. kale, arugula, and swiss chard walk into a bar
21. the bartender says, “Make like a tree and leaf.”
22. they all laugh and drink together
23. crossword clue: the leafy perverted emperor of Rome
24. “kay-ul” is how Wordle freaks spell it
25. kAle, by Budweiser
26. “Kale is other people,” Sartre
27. the great kale strike of 1990 — no one else noticed it, either
28. kale feels funny when you put it in your socks
29. kale feels sad when you put it in your shorts
30. kale feels aroused when you put it in your pocket
31. “Yes,” says kale, “I am happy to see you.”
32. Hannibal Lector force fed his victims kale because he liked the taste of bitter despair
33. Yom Kippur is the only Jewish holiday that allows kale
34. even the “bitter herbs” of Passover make fun of kale
35. kale got into a lot of fights as a kid
36. kale’s dad was nice, but very passive
37. he never said “no” to kale
38. kale had no boundaries
39. kale began having sex at thirteen
40. it was the only way, she thought, people would like her
41. kale had a sweet sad smile
42. I had a crush on kale
43. I have a weakness for broken greens
44. I feel like I can rescue them
45. no one can rescue kale but kale
46. there’s help for kale, but kale has to want it
47. leafy green support groups meet at produce marts everywhere
48. kale never shows up
49. Isak Dinesen had some kale in Africa
50. in the movie it was played by Meryl Streep
51. kale is the only vegetable that Pixar refuses to animate
52. “Kale already exists in the uncanny valley,” they say
53. it may be edible, it may not be edible
54. “To try to cartoonize kale is just too bizarre. Like making a cartoon of barf barfing.”
55. Erwin Schrödinger called this “the recursive kale loop”
56. Granny Mary knew Erwin Schrödinger, but they never ate kale together
57. kale is actually polka dot, but for some reason it only reflects the green part of the spectrum
58. in ancient Rome, kale could only be eaten by Emperors
59. this rule was devised by Livia Drusus the Poisoner
60. it’s not the kale that’s bad, it’s you
61. kale is a great source for iron and spite
62. if you are cooking kale on the stovetop, stop
63. stop doing that
64. kale is the ultimate source of the Speed Force in The Flash
65. that’s how fast Barry Allen runs away from kale
66. Alderaan was the largest exporter of kale in the galaxy
67. Darth Vader was doing everyone a favor
68. this is all recorded in The Expanded Universe novel, Star Wars: The Kale Assassins
69. The Kale Assassins is canon. I don’t care what George Lucas says.
70. kale gets hurt by all the kale jokes
71. there is no form of divination that uses kale to tell the future
72. this is the 72nd kale thing
73. the number of leaves in a kale plant is always a prime number
74. JAZZ:KALE::POLKA DOTS:MARGARINE
75. the gates of kale are actually pretty easy to get through
76. kale puts ranch dressing on a gyro
77. kale correctly pronounces gyro, unlike you
78. the great kale novel has yet to be written
79. and the great kale opera
80. opera composers have tried to write kale operas, but the subject matter overwhelms them
81. Richard Wagner said, “Grünkohl ist zu blättrig und grün. Ich brauche eine Tragödie!”
82. Truth, Dick!
83. Heart of Darkness originally had Marlow finding Kurtz among kale fields
84. this was too horrific, so Conrad replaced it with a field of human heads on spikes
85. “Your kale is so fat!”
86. “How fat is my kale?”
87. “Your kale is so fat that people say, ‘Hey, that is some fat kale.’”
88. this kale has body image issues
89. but kale won’t get help (see #46)
90. kale still has a sweet and sad smile
91. kale had a burst of popularity in the 1990s when “heroin chic” was a thing
92. kale has never been photographed with Donald Trump or Jeffery Epstein
93. I worry about kale
94. how is kale going to make ends meet?
95. is kale going to be okay?
96. collard greens sent kale a package with vinegar and said, “Try this and people will change their mind about you.”
97. kale threw the vinegar away
98. “Why did you throw the vinegar away, kale?”
99. kale replied, “It is my nature. Were I to be savory in any desirable way, I would not be kale. I can be neither savory, nor tart, nor sweet. I must be bitter. I can do no other.”
100. I still have a crush on kale

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Thanks to Betsy Denson and Andrew Rodwin. Thanks to Susan Brearley for the prompt.