What? You need a reason?
Five Things Ranked
Five things that are better than some things and not as good as other things
Because these things aren’t going to rank themselves and they feel bad being left off all the other lists.
5. Space
The very coolest thing about space is how spacious it is. In space, you never have to worry about whether your furniture is going to fit, or whether you’ll be able to get around that large person blocking the aisle. There are no aisles in space. Nobody is blocking your way in space. The other thing you never have to worry about in space is arriving early at your destination. Things are really far apart from each other in space. Wherever it is you’re going, you will be late. And you won’t have cell service so you can’t call ahead to let them know. You’ll get there and everyone will know that you are very rude.
And dead. You will probably be dead. Because the second coolest thing about space is that it wants you dead. Space hates us. Dig it: no oxygen, all sorts of radiation, and temperatures reaching the -450s. Life on Earth is an affront to space. An insult. The only thing protecting the human race is a layer of atmosphere as thin as a coat of paint on the globe, and space does everything it can to penetrate this atmosphere and dig us out like chiggers in a redneck’s beer belly fold.
4. Cheese Danish
If space did manage to wipe out all life on Earth, it would spare all of the cheese Danish because space loves cheese Danish, and so do I. If someone came up to me and said, “Hey, kid, want a cheese Danish?” I could probably be led into bad decisions. And just to be clear, I’m talking about straight cheese Danish, not those clever abominations with fruits or cinnamon or chocolate on them. C’mon, people! We are not barbarians!
3. Pet Crematories
The first place I ever had cheese Danish was when I was working at the Rainbow Bridge Pet Crematory during college. I trained with the night guy, and after we’d loaded up the furnace for the first burn of the night, he’d pull out the cheese Danish and get some orange Gatorade that he kept in the walk-in freezer. We would talk about our hopes and dreams for the future, play Uno, and slow dance.
2. Dragonflies
The best thing about dragonflies is not that they eat the blackflies of Maine, but that they eat the fuck out of them. These bad girls go at their gustatory duty with an enthusiasm and artistry that is unrivaled in the human world. One can see in the glimmering saran of their wings that they’ve got verve and panache. If this were an Arthur Miller play, dragonflies wouldn’t just be “liked,” they would be “well liked.”
One August, I was in a lake — frolicking — and a horsefly started buzzing me like a biplane on the Western Front. Out of nowhere, with the savagery of a Fokker D7, a dragonfly dove in and snagged that horsefly out of the air. It began eating it quickly enough that I saw it take its first bite and then ask the waiter for salt because this seems kind of bland. That’s how quick, fierce, and judgmental it was.
Dragonflies are reliable, steadfast, brave, and true. They are as regular as frost heave. When my Dad calls from New Jersey in the Spring, he’ll ask, “How are the black flies doing?” As if to say, I’m smart for living in New Jersey and you are dumb for living in a place with blackflies. Schadenfreude is big in my family.
And I will respond, “It’s the second day of dragonflies, Dad. We’re fine.”
1. Poems about Underwear
Underwear rocks With your socks.
The drawers in my drawers Are boxer, brief, and boxer briefs All necessary, none sufficient
My front needs this My back needs that My perineum needs the other
Like Whitman I contain multitudes Within my Hanes
