Conspiracy theories

I Am Your Garde Manger Chef With a Warning About Kale

Seriously not joking now

As the salad steward at the Wherever You Go There You Are New Age Retreat Center, I’ve become aware of a dangerous trend.

Kale.

My executive chef keeps coming to me with new salad ideas. Fine by me. If a salad isn’t popular, I’m happy to stop making it. Don’t need to chop useless veg if it isn’t flying off their plates.

Recently though, kale seems to be sneaking into every other word in the recipes. It’s like a Monty Python spam rerun.

Cauliflower, baby kale and pepitas. With roasted red pepper.

Massaged kale.

Curly kale with balsamic.

Chickpeas and kale with pickled something or other.

Kale, pears and kale-flavored pasta.

Kale loaf. With gravy. Mushroom and kale gravy.

Kale stew. With a few beans. And carrots. For color. Kale garnish. Frizzled kale.

Curly kale on a baguette with goat cheese, and fried green tomato, with frizzled kale.

Oh wait — here comes kale ice cream! Google it. In fact, I defy you to find ANYthing where you put kale in as a descriptor and NOT find it.

Kale pudding, kale soda bread, kale shakes, kale smoothies, kale candies, kale gummies.

Kale cough drops, for goodness sake. KETO-friendly kale cough drops.

There is now kale shampoo, soaps, cleansers and scrubs.

Kale chips, and of course, kale-colored paint, so you can paint your bedroom walls in kale colors and remind yourself of this insidious veg as you sleep, perchance to dream, while yeah, surrounded by kale-colored bed sheets and slippers.

Funny kale pillows.

It’s a kale cabal. A kale-spiracy. There are nanobots in the water the kale grew in, and we’re all just eating that up while the kale greedily absorbs the tracking devices. This MUST STOP NOW.

What do we really know about kale and its seedy history?

How did it suddenly burst onto every menu everywhere, and no one even questioned this madness? Does ANYone really LIKE kale?

People. Our time is now. Garde Manger chefs unite! Free the salad bars! Free the grocery stores, the farmers’ markets and restaurants! Free WHOLE FOODS! Free every retail outlet where this leafy cruciferous menace has slithered silently into our psyches!

Next time you see it on the menu, say to the wait staff, “Kale? Really?” Then sigh and roll your eyes.

Oh, KAAAALE NO!

RESIST, AMERICA!! RESIST!

Now what do you know about why corn grows in neatly organized rows of kernels?

Oddly, it was both a conversation with Amy Sea who encouraged me to write this, and T. Kent Jones’ 100 things article, that got me finally inspired to complete this. So thanks for that.

Thanks to the great wit that is T. Kent Jones for stellar editing suggestions.

And now it’s YOUR turn. Play with your food! Write a funny piece about your least favorite — or favorite — foodstuff. Vegetables are such muses, as Marilyn Flower will attest.

Please mention this piece at the bottom of your post, so we can read, clap and acknowledge your contribution to the feeding frenzy!

How to play

• Use exactly ‘Muddyumprompt’ and ‘Humor’ for two of your five tags
• Carefully edit and ensure all images include source information
• Include a link to this prompt piece at the bottom of your submission

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More from Susan B., who started writing funnier about 2 weeks ago.

More veg humor.

This one is kind of long and meandering, but some people liked it anyway.

Wouldn’t YOU rather be laughing? — MuddyUm’s first award winning comedy anthology. Available On Lulu and Amazon.