avatarGary Chapin

Summary

The article "The Humorous Posterior" humorously recounts the author's personal grievances with their own butt, highlighting six failures and one success.

Abstract

In a humorous and self-deprecating essay titled "The Humorous Posterior," the author reflects on the shortcomings of their butt, which they liken to a mediocre peach. They detail six instances where their butt did not meet expectations, ranging from financial non-contribution to a lack of cultural appreciation, an embarrassing moment at a high school, a drunken karaoke episode in Korea, a spiritual shortfall, and an aesthetic dissatisfaction. However, the author does acknowledge one redeeming quality of their butt: its ability to produce healthy bowel movements, an aspect they've previously extolled.

Opinions

  • The author views their butt as a source of comedic misfortune rather than a profitable asset.
  • They express embarrassment over an uncontrolled fart in a public setting, suggesting a lack of control or discretion on the part of their butt.
  • The author's butt is criticized for its cultural insensitivity, having fallen asleep during a high-brow musical performance.
  • A drunken karaoke incident in Korea, immortalized on Instagram, is seen as another point of embarrassment, particularly due to family exposure.
  • The author hints at a spiritual disconnect, joking that their butt is destined for damnation despite regular church attendance.
  • Aesthetically, the author is dissatisfied with the appearance of their butt, considering it unattractive.
  • Despite the litany of complaints, the author appreciates the reliability of their butt in facilitating healthy bowel movements, a simple yet significant bodily function.

The Humorous Posterior

Six Ways My Butt Has Failed Me

And one way it has not

HPhoto by Allec Gomes on Unsplash (altered by author)

I don’t need anyone else to tell me that my butt is not everything it ought to be. I am self-aware, self-pitying, and self-loathing, and the inferiority of my butt is a fact I won’t dispute. It is mediocrity in the shape of a peach. Here are six ways that my butt has failed me, and one way it has not.

  1. My Butt Has Never Made Me a Dime. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I shake it, my “moneymaker” generates no liquid assets. Maybe it’s a non-profit butt? An altruistic butt? Available for charity events? A 501c3 butt? Even at those prices, my butt is not selling. Somehow, svelte as I may be, the supply of my butt far outpaces demand.
  2. My Butt Couldn’t Manage That One Fart That One Time. October 2004. Walking down the northeast stairwell of Jefferson High School, Plainfield, NJ, and just as I hit the bottom step, a tiny but easily discernable fart escapes. I know it’s discernable because someone entering the stairwell at that moment discerns it. Butt!
  3. My Butt Fell Asleep at a Concert, New Years, 2012. My butt has no culture, high or low, and was ungrateful for the opportunity to experience Yo-Yo Ma’s performance of The Nutcracker. How can they call this “falling to sleep,” this tingling numbness striking sharper than a serpent’s tooth? Damn the resplendently uncomfortable seats of Lincoln Center!
  4. My Butt Got Drunk and did Karaoke in Korea. Captured to Instagram and seen by my grandmother, who follows my butt’s account because she’s supportive that way. My butt in Seoul, wasted on Soju, singing the Meat Loaf Song Book. At Thanksgiving, my butt asks for the ham and my grandmother refuses, saying, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that!” Grandma!
  5. My Butt is Going to Hell. Despite attending the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Augusta, Maine, for years, listening to sermons on topics ranging from “Alternative Metaphorical Schema of Christmas Pudding” to “C’mon People!” my butt will, when rapture comes, be the left behind.
  6. My Butt is Stupid Looking. I can’t even.

One way my butt has not failed me:

  1. Healthy Poops. I’ve written about this before. Many sins can be forgiven when that wave of grace overtakes you, ecstasy settles into your colon, and you are allowed the joy of a healthy poop. So, credit where due: thanks, butt! You aren’t good at much, but you’ve got this!
Butts
Failure
Humor
Lists
Chapin
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