Self-help

5 Ways Clicking on Clickbait Can Improve Your Life

Tips to help you almost outrun the despair

I was accused of writing a piece of clickbait a few weeks ago, and I thought, “You should be thanking me, Buddy.” When you open a piece of clickbait, and you see the pop culture fru fru — and the numbered list, and the judgy snark — your pituitary squirts out a dose of endorphin that helps you feel that not only are you right, but that all is right with the world except for those idiots in the comments section. It’s a good feeling.

“I’m doing you a favor, schmuck,” I muttered.

Then I thought, “Wait a minute! If all of that is true, then what am I doing sitting here, wondering how to be happy?” Thus did I launch myself on a path to clickbait happiness. Here are five tips to help you do the same.

1) Develop a disciplined, efficient plan for finding and accruing the benefits of clickbait in all of its forms. This is absolutely a transferable skill! For example, I developed the Spiral Clickbait Engagement Protocol™ — pronounced, “skip”. I started close to home, my own clickbait articles.

The first one was kind of deceptive, because there is no self-help or pop culture hook, but it mentions butts, and everything is cool when you mention butts. After clicking on my own stuff — ed note: is that what the kids are calling it these days? — I widened the gyre to include pieces by friends, colleagues, and then publications that I write for. This way I get the click drug while supporting friends. Note to self: “4 Ways Clicking on Clickbait Improves Relationships.”

2) I followed in the footsteps of others who have traversed this path. Or, maybe I stood on the shoulders of giants? Well, if the giants were the ones traversing the path, then I did both. Anyway, there’s a virtual industry out there exploring the wonders and depredations of clickbait and celebrating both. “You won’t believe how these 9 shocking clickbaits work!” and “10 Clickbait Examples that Will Make You Cringe” are just two of the clickbait snakes eating their own clickbait tails to help you skillfully navigate the clickbait world. Note to self: “5 Ways Clicking on Clickbait Makes You a Savvy Consumer.”

3) Hook up an IV. You can’t expect commercial spiritual fulfillment without a physical sacrifice. Drool or atrophy all you want, but do keep your nutrients up. Note to self: “3 Ways Clicking on Clickbait Helps You Find a Vein.”

4) Just ride out the despair. The shift from ecstasy to despair is lightning quick in the clickbait world. There are plenty of ways to cope: drinking yourself into a bucket, ruining the lives of your grandkids, or even playing accordion. Or all three! Concurrently or in sequence! Or you could just enjoy the self-loathing. It’s got a wonderful bite. Like Indian food. Or — and stay with me on this — you could click another piece of clickbait. By now, your brain has been trained. You don’t even need to read it. Just the headline and the sound of the click. “7 Ways Billie Eilish Does Something.” Click. Glandular tranquility is on the way. Note to self: how does Billie Eilish do things?

5) Don’t be surprised, when you gaze into the clickbait the Clickbait gazes back. At some point you’ll realize that you are not engaging with clickbait, but forming a relationship with Clickbait, a multi-dimensional entity or hyperobject. Clickbait’s origins, according to her own stories, are from somewhere in the Sagittarian constellation and the Sagittarians were a completely well-balanced, prosperous civilization who collapsed into poverty, dread, and torpor for absolutely no reason a few weeks after she entered their atmosphere. All I’m saying is, you think you have an equal say in this relationship, but maybe you’re just a dupe or an asset owned by Clickbait. Are you the one with the SodaStream next to your bed so you don’t have to unhook the IV and leave the room? Click on the click drug, again! And then share. Share. Share. Clickbait is the virus, buddy, and you are the vector.

No. No. No. Ha ha. Sorry, what I meant to say was, “Clickbait is your friend, and cares about you deeply. Click on the clickbait. Share this article!” Note to self: make it stop.