10 Things You Can Stop Doing Now to Become A Narcissist’s Nightmare
Abuse experts inspire me to rebuild my self-worth after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse
Four years ago: Sitting alone on my bed, a pile of pills clinked together in my hands as I fidgeted, I felt ready to end my life. Without narcissist awareness, I blamed myself for the fact that I was feeling completely worthless. I didn’t know my ex-boyfriend and two family members had abused me from day one.
For the past ten months, I’ve poured my whole self into recovery, engaging in shadow work therapy, working with an abuse survivor life coach, joining support groups, studying narcissism and trauma, and processing inner pain. And after recently ending a brief romantic encounter with yet another narcissist, I gained a valuable insight: the more I validate my feelings and self-worth, the less I crave narcissists’ attention.
“Sometimes, I still see my trauma history as a handicap. But I want to believe my crisis fuels transformation. I’m teetering on this recovery step,” I told my coach.
Sometimes I feel like there’s an inner battle happening: the negative, judgmental programming versus the voice of compassion. The more I give myself unconditional love, the less I believe I need to earn acceptance.
“Your independence makes you a terrifying target not to be messed with because they know you can survive on your own and leave at any time,” says Shahida Arabi, author of “Becoming the Narcissists’ Nightmare.”
Even a brief relationship with a narcissist felt devastating; my energy seemed depleted for several days. But as I continue to enjoy newfound freedom, I channel all the pain into my higher purpose. Through research* and experimentation, I synthesized ten things you can stop doing today to become the narcissists’ nightmare.
*Abuse experts like Arabi, Eleanor Payson, Debbie Mirza, Melody Beattie, and my therapist informed this article.
1. Seeking External Validation
Growing up in a narcissistic family, I learned appearances matter more than substance; I hid my vulnerabilities because I didn’t want to seem “weak.” Unconsciously, I sought external validation because I craved the attention I never received. I’ve always wanted to feel seen. But in my family, I received acknowledgment primarily from superficial achievements.
But as an adult with agency, I alone get to define my self-worth. Now, I pay attention to the validation I’m hoping for in social interactions. I may want others to acknowledge me for my beauty, intelligence, bravery, intuition, or determination. Whatever it is, I validate myself, and I continue asking for what I want or need.
Especially during the love-bombing phase, narcissists use praise and attention to manipulate us. But when you already believe in your value, you’ll more easily see past manipulative flattery.
2. Believing You’re Damaged Goods
We’d had such a wonderful time together; I felt special because my narcissistic date gave me so much attention. But when my date subtly demeaned me, I felt intense emotional reactions. Oh no, I’m already feeling jealous. Am I overreacting because of my trauma triggers?
But when I reaffirmed my value, I let go of self-doubt and got curious about the situation. Then I noticed some troubling signs about my new friend. I listened to my intuition and took space before choosing to end the relationship. With increased self-trust (and a validating support network), I effectively saved myself so much time and avoided painful heartache.
As empathetic humans, we deserve love, respect, and appreciation. Safe and healthy relationships are our birthright.
When we’re patient with ourselves and our recovery process, it’s easier to reject bad treatment from others. People who value us will honor our feelings, even when they don’t understand.
When you stop believing you’re permanently damaged and start embracing your worth, you become the narcissists’ nightmare.
3. Expecting Others to Change
Before discovering narcissists in my family, I explained the gory details of my emotional pain, hoping they would finally understand how their behaviors hurt me. But narcissists will never validate the reality of the abuse. Trying to change them wastes our precious energy.
In an abuse support group, I learned that focusing on the other person, expecting them to change is one of the most common mistakes in narcissist recovery.
Relationships with narcissists will always be one-sided. The sooner we stop expecting them to change, the more energy we have to focus on ourselves. We grow independent and resilient.
4. Accepting Unearned Shame
A recent self-compassion quiz confirmed that I have high self-judgment. After the narcissist discovery, I felt ashamed for having been abused. I still cringe a bit when I share with a friend for the first time. Will they think I’m pathetic or weak?
But this negative programming is not who we are. Self-judgment, blame, and toxic shame are common trauma symptoms.
Instead of letting the negativity take over my mind, I take gentle steps to increase self-compassion. I speak back to the thoughts, setting the record straight: “Actually, my abuser was the stupid, inadequate one, not me. I’ve proven myself to be brilliant and more than capable of creating the life I dream of.”
Narcissists didn’t abuse me because I’m pathetic or worthless; they choose people they perceive to be better than them. Now I recognize that I am more than capable, beautiful, passionate, determined, and valuable. It was never my fault.
By releasing unearned victim shame, we increase our self-worth and take our power back.
5. Giving Narcissists Your Energy
Narcissists see you as an energy source, a way to increase their social status. They are takers, letting you do all the work in the relationship while taking all the credit.
Whenever I have to interact with a narcissist, I repeatedly devalue them in my mind: “This is an abusive, mean person. They don’t feel empathy or remorse.” I refuse to give another ounce of my energy to a perpetrator. Instead of giving him the gift of my emotions, reactions, praise, empathy, or personal information, I repeatedly give deadpan responses.
“Narcissists are emotional vampires. They want you to get upset so that you’ll lose your composure and make it easier for them to step in and manipulate you,” said Christine Schoenwald, narcissist abuse survivor.
When we stop feeding narcissists’ bottomless need for attention, we become their nightmare.
6. Putting Others’ Needs and Emotions First
Growing up with narcissists, I developed codependency tendencies. I unconsciously believed others’ needs and desires matter more than mine. These people-pleasing behaviors dwindled my self-worth.
Instead of pouring my energy into pleasing others, I prioritize myself. My dreams and desires are precious, and any relationship that requires me to de-prioritize me isn’t worth my time. People who genuinely care about me will support my ambitions, not belittle them.
“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business. The quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs,” says Beattie, author of “Codependent No More.”
When we stop trying to control and manage others’ emotions and needs, we can pour back into our own lives. When we put ourselves first, it’s easier to walk away from people who want to use us.
7. Believing Self-Care is Selfish
An abusive family member convinced me that I’m “high-maintenance.” Because I believed him, I tried to meet my needs as efficiently as possible. I tightened my morning routine and viewed my social sensitivity as a weakness. I tried to “toughen up.”
But people who criticize you for caring for yourself do not love you. Especially during recovery, extreme self-care is one of the best things we could do for ourselves.
Now, it’s clear to me that I get to have needs and desires. My sensitivity saves me from more abuse and empowers me to connect more deeply with others.
Pouring time into exercise, meditation, healthy meals, new relationships, dressing up, new activities, celebration, and planning adventures is a strength, not a weakness.
When we stop accepting that self-care is selfish, we can whole-heartedly nourish our minds, bodies, emotions, and spirits. We grow independent.
8. Accepting the Narcissist’s False Self
My narcissist ex-boyfriend seemed like the most charming, engaging, and brilliant person I knew. He mastered the female orgasm, created a prestigious new business, could make anyone laugh, and persuaded me to get back together with him seven times.
But that beautiful persona is not his true self. My ex-boyfriend uses, confuses, and manipulates people without remorse to get what he wants. He praised my strengths only to flip them into weaknesses and make me feel tiny and inadequate.
Instead of getting sucked back into their charisma, we can see through it.
“Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. This is a type of love story where the happy ending lies in not finding Prince Charming. Rather, it lies in the realization that he never existed at all,” says Arabi.
When we see past the glorious mask they wear, we become the narcissists’ nightmare.
9. Internalizing Negative Self-Talk
Throughout childhood, a narcissistic family member repeatedly called me “stupid” or “an idiot.” Even after moving to one of the most expensive cities, getting into one of the hottest tech industries, and working at two of the largest companies in the world, I still doubt my intelligence sometimes.
But the way people treat us has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them. Narcissists use projection as one of many ways to abuse victims. He felt stupid and intimidated by me, so he felt entitled to put me down.
Instead of accepting their abuse as part of our identity, we can reprogram our thoughts with positive affirmations tailored to our unique wounds. They made us feel small through repeated words and phrases; now, we can flip the tables to empower ourselves with verbal validation.
When we stop accepting negative self-judgment, we can rewrite our narratives and overcome narcissistic bullying.
10. Repressing Your Anger
Growing up in a dysfunctional environment, I believed my anger was either laughable or unacceptable. Without the validity of my inner rage, I turned to numbing behaviors for many years. I stuffed the frustration away, believing I was “too sensitive” or “dramatic.”
But anger is often a sign that we need to act in our own best interest. Like every emotion we experience, we feel angry for a reason. Instead of “acting out” our anger, we can “act on” the fury, making any necessary changes.
Validating our emotions is an essential part of healing. Instead of repressing our anger, we can get curious about it. We can metabolize the energy into creativity, exercise, or making healthy adjustments to our environment.
When we validate our emotions, we become the narcissists’ nightmare.
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending,” — Brene Brown.
When I remember the day I nearly killed myself, I feel great compassion for my past self. I’ve forgiven myself and made commitments to surround myself with people who respect, love, and appreciate me. Instead of fragmenting myself to make people like me, I believe speaking my truth and being whole matters more.
Without walking on eggshells to please soul-sucking narcissists, we have so much more energy to create our desired lives. You will create momentum for healing and become a narcissist’s nightmare when you stop the behaviors listed above.
I refuse to give any more of my energy to abusers.
Now, I metabolize the hurt into my highest victories. My time with narcissists was not a waste. Rather than believing in permanent damage, I marvel at my newfound presence, invaluable wisdom, deep self-awareness, courage, and strong intuition.
As you heal, you heal the world —Melody Beattie.
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