How I’m Healing Codependency After 26 Years of Narcissistic Abuse

Here’s how I identified codependent behaviors and poured energy back into my life.

On a recent Saturday night, I lit candles and incense in the kitchen. Feeling inspired by a new sense of openness, I turned the pulsing electronic music up. Then I began worrying: Is this too loud? Will my housemates get upset? Will this erotic music make them uncomfortable?

Though the incident seems insignificant, my habit of anticipating others’ needs and putting their concerns before my own is a sign of codependency.

Codependency occurs as a normal response to abnormal people, i.e., people with mental or physical illness. Since exploring the “Codependent No More” book by Melody Beattie and a few other expert resources, I’ve thoroughly assessed my problematic behaviors.

Since my therapist helped me discover narcissism in my birth family last year, I’ve prioritized my healing journey. I also dated at least one overt narcissist and got into several toxic work and home environments. I unconsciously attracted more dysfunction.

If you’ve had relationships with toxic people, you likely developed some unhelpful coping strategies. Identifying specific problematic behaviors enables us to move forward.

“Our recovery lies in ourselves. We have to identify how we’ve let their behavior impact us.” — Beattie.

Discovering codependency feels like realizing you’re more awesome than you imagined. Out of all the issues you could have, codependency is one of the more enjoyable ones to heal. When we stop trying to control everything and everyone and start valuing ourselves, we experience incredible energy and flow. Our lives unfold and flourish naturally. We heal from codependency by prioritizing ourselves, taking responsibility for our lives.

Identifying my codependent behaviors

“A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents; it stops loving itself.” — Shahida Arabi, author of “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare.”

Our culture ridiculously underestimates the biological impact of emotional trauma. Healing from narcissistic abuse trauma is so complex that we usually need expert guidance. The lack of validation for emotional abuse makes the experience much worse, doubling the ever-present shame feelings.

As it turns out, most (if not all) people who experience ongoing narcissistic abuse develop some level of codependency. Since codependency exists on a broad range, we have to get specific about how we’ve let their behaviors impact us.

When I first heard about codependency years ago in the self-help section of a used bookstore, I immediately rejected the idea. I don’t need people too much. People don’t appreciate me as much as they should. (classic codependent: feeling under-appreciated.) But when I continued finding myself in toxic situations, I dove into shadow work.

Addressing codependency patterns helps us to stop attracting toxic relationships and start developing healthy ones. I view healing codependency as a part of the more extensive emotional abuse healing process. After digging through feelings and realizations of my narcissistic abuse, I’m paving a safer path forward.

Reading through “Codependent No More,” I wrote out the behaviors I noticed in myself. Here’s what my codependency looks like:

• Trying to control others’ emotions: As a child, I developed this habit as a way to feel safer in dysfunctional environments. As an adult, this habit doesn’t help me. I am learning to accept that everyone has the right not to like me, and that’s okay.
• Trying to “fix” other people: I poured energy into helping toxic people hoping for more harmony. But you can’t “fix” other people. When you try to, you’re doing both people a disservice; it’s not kindness. You’re implying that the other person can’t take care of themselves while also over-extending yourself.
• Needing to be needed. When I didn’t receive the validation I craved, I unconsciously accepted “being needed” as a substitute for love. People with codependency often take on more than their share of responsibilities.
• Believing our feelings and needs are less valuable. At the core of codependency, our self-worth has taken a big hit. I felt more concerned with keeping others happy than advocating for my needs and validating my feelings. I accepted less than what felt right, and that habit reinforced that that’s all I deserved.
• Abandoning our dreams and ambitions for relationships. I feel the most embarrassed about this one. After losing myself in multiple partnerships, I can confidently say it sucks a lot. We crave validation so much that we de-prioritize our goals, hoping to secure our relationships. This belief keeps us stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

Here are a few more common codependency symptoms:

• Saying “Yes” when you mean “No”
• Feeling guilty about your needs
• Putting in great effort to protect others’ feelings, even putting yourself at risk
• Losing trust in or struggling to identify your feelings
• Taking responsibility for the whole relationship
• Feeling the need to be in control all the time
• Taking responsibility for others’ problems
• Feeling most valuable when others need you or can’t live without you
• Feeling upset when others don’t praise you for your efforts

Though we’re not responsible for others’ behaviors, we are responsible for how those behaviors impact us today. Many codependent people develop anxiety, depression, and low self-worth. We feel drained because we took on much more than we needed to carry. With narcissists, we did all the work, pouring into a one-sided relationship. We often lose and stop caring for parts of ourselves when we invest in toxic people.

Pouring energy back into my life

Identifying codependency issues offers an invitation for more profound self-discovery. Though we’ve significantly suffered from emotional abuse and constant put-downs, we now see there’s much more to discover about ourselves.

At my last job, I carried so much anger because my teammates didn’t seem to respect or appreciate me. If they would just be more grateful for what I do, then my life would be so much better. How rude! The reality was, I did need more support to do my job well. Mostly, I needed to accept my needs and desires as valuable. I feel so proud of myself for eventually quitting, reassessing my career path. That’s when I poured into inner work.

Discovering and feeling through narcissist abuse wounds has likely been the most challenging journey I’ve undertaken. I recently worked through some incredibly dark emotions when I shared the story of my near-suicide. The people we loved hurt us, damaged our souls and destroyed our sense of self.

But clearing out the wounds and adjusting unhelpful patterns gives us the freedom to be ourselves again. As we heal, we reclaim the beautiful, bright spirit they took from us. Here are a few things I do differently now that I understand codependency:

• I don’t take rejection personally. If I’m showing up authentically, and that doesn’t work for someone, clearly we’re not meant to be in each others’ lives, at least not now. Though it’s easier said than done, the more I practice being myself and asking for what I want, the more I trust I’ll attract the right people. I don’t waste time obsessing about what I might have done wrong or how I can make that person like me.
• I trust that I can take care of myself. Though codependent people tend to be highly capable, we consistently under-estimate our abilities. When I read that, I realized the truth in it. I stopped doubting myself and worrying so much. I’ve been letting myself be more present, relaxing, and trusting that I can handle anything that comes my way.
• I spend more time observing others. I often rushed into relationships in the past, finding ways to be useful or “help” the other person. Now, I focus more on what I’m feeling and what I need. I look for relationships that feel more mutually uplifting. I sit back, letting the other person show me who they are. Not only does this save energy, but it also helps me to choose healthier dynamics.
• I feel calmer when I meet new people. I recently shared with my life coach how I felt nervous about making good impressions. She suggested, “Instead of making a ‘good’ impression, focus on making an authentic impression.” I don’t spend my time figuring out how I can be what this person needs. I show up as myself and trust that’s enough.
• I relax way more than I used to. For years I carried this belief: “the best revenge is a massive success,” thinking about my narcissistic ex-boyfriend and people who put me down. But I was seeking success on their terms, hoping they would finally see my value. Without needing their approval, I ease into the moment more.
• I clarify my needs and desires. This new guilt-free selfishness has been fun. I check in with myself: What am I feeling? What do I need? I don’t under-play or suppress my needs anymore; I proudly own them, feeling celebratory each time I assert boundaries well. I think others trust and respect me more, even if they don’t like it at the moment. Plus, you learn a lot about people based on how they respond to your boundaries.
• I create many, loosely-held goals. All of my needs and wants are important, so I write them down, trusting that whatever happens is meant to be. Without trying to control everything, I can assert and move towards my desires with openness.

Healing from codependency means prioritizing yourself and allowing others to do the same. I choose to treat myself kindly, gently, and generously. I have become less reactive. Instead of expecting someone else to change or read my mind, I identify my feelings and share my needs when appropriate.

Getting back all the energy makes healing from codependency beautiful. I feel a greater sense of possibility by choosing to “live and let live.” As Beattie says: “Control is an illusion. Forcing your will blocks our higher power from being constructive. The formula is simple: In any given situation, detach and ask, ‘What do I need to do to take care of myself?’”

Closing thoughts

Our bodies and intuition are incredibly wise. We can handle anything that comes our way.

I feel so grateful to have created space between the narcissists in my life and me. As I continue to develop new relationships and repair old ones, I practice accepting others as they are and valuing myself more. I’m pouring into a passionate love affair with my life.

“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business. The quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs,” — Beattie.

Readjusting my behaviors to prioritize myself takes time and consistent effort. Creating new relationships feels challenging because I’m scared I’ll “mess up.” But we have to have faith.

“Go as far as you can see. When you get there, you can see farther.” — Beattie.

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