I Almost Killed Myself 4 Years Ago; Now I Understand Narcissist Abuse

Through decades of narcissistic abuse, three people manipulated me into believing I’m worthless; now, I see myself clearly.

A soft lamp lit the room as I sat on my bed, holding a bottle of pills. I poured all the white tablets into my hands, taking deep breaths. A full water bottle waited beside me. Closing my eyes, I felt heavy, empty, and disillusioned. Life didn’t appeal to me as it used to. At 23 years old, I struggled to find a reason to stay. The last eight months played out like a psychotic roller coaster. Had it always been like this?

Before I met Josh (fake name), my narcissist ex-boyfriend, I felt like a rockstar at life, at least externally. My accomplishments checked all the boxes: academic excellence, impressive resume, European experience, musically-talented, popular, attractive, athletic, charming, and financially intelligent. But as one of my closest friends recently confided, “You seemed to carry a lot of pain, even back then.”

That Tuesday night, alone in my bedroom, the emotional weight seemed to drain my body’s energy.

The truth is, I didn’t like myself anymore.

The truth is, I didn’t like myself anymore. Though two of my best friends grew to hate me, I couldn’t blame them. After a falling out with my boss, I lost my job; we weren’t well aligned anyway. Though I wasn’t sharing much with my family, I knew they wouldn’t understand. I barely recognized this clingy, needy, childish, and cripplingly insecure version of myself.

After breaking up with Josh eight times, I couldn’t humiliate myself anymore by going back to him. Even though he sucked, somehow, he came out seeming like a successful, spiritual, sex god.

I picked up my phone, found his contact, unblocked him, then called: “You said if I was ever going to… you know… end things, I should call you. No matter what. So I called.”

No one knew this part of the story: three narcissists — Josh and two close family members — emotionally abused me from day one. I experienced love bombing, devaluing, gaslighting, demeaning, and other manipulative behaviors intended to disempower me. Because I had no idea, I blamed myself for everything.

For years I pushed myself to be perfect.

For years I pushed myself to be perfect, to prove that I’m valuable. I poured into self-help books and practiced communication techniques, hoping to feel lovable finally.

My fourth therapist helped me piece together the truth: I’m not pathetic, worthless, or inadequate; I am a victim and survivor of narcissist abuse.

Validating emotional abuse

We hate to talk about suicide, depression, or any mental illness; it’s uncomfortable. Though I’ve written several articles on abuse, I struggled to acknowledge I had ever been depressed enough to stage my death. Maybe I would forget about it? Despite our reluctance to talk about emotional trauma, data shows suicide is the number two cause of death for anyone between 10 and 34 years old in the U.S.

For narcissist abuse victims especially, suicidal thoughts are common; we need to talk about this. Experts estimate between 60 and 150 million people experience narcissist abuse in the U.S. alone; like me, many of these victims have no idea.

Like most people, I didn’t know much about narcissists; I thought they were just stuck-up, grandiose people.

Narcissist abuse impacts are far more devastating than we would imagine. Some refer to narcissistic abuse as “soul-rape,” repeatedly happening for years. Without first-hand experience, we struggle to understand spiritual damage. Though I’m not an abuse expert, I know this for sure: emotional abuse is real, and victims deserve far more validation than we give them.

When I worked up the courage to tell my family about my emotional turmoil, they belittled my experience: “I mean, did anyone touch you? Sexually abuse you?” — As if emotional abuse is insignificant, they judged me for being sensitive, dramatic, weak. I’m not “too” any of those things, and my sensitivity is a f***ing gift that prevents me from experiencing more abuse.

Also, I did experience physical abuse, when I resorted to self-harm to express my pain. I did experience sexual abuse, from older men who flattered and intoxicated me into their beds.

Emotional abuse impacts are often worse than physical abuse.

Emotional abuse impacts are often worse than physical abuse, damaging our self-esteem and long-term mental health (Guy Winch, psychologist). Narcissist abuse makes you question yourself and your reality. Years of subtle manipulation convince you that you are worthless, uninteresting, and a terrible person. Narcissists gaslight you into believing you might actually be crazy, losing touch with reality.

Victims often find reasons to blame themselves for others’ abusive behaviors.

I knew I had done some bad things. I had sex with my best friend’s crush, even though she made me promise I wouldn’t. I had been slacking off at work and sort of hated my boss; he found some of my mean-spirited journal entries. Even though Josh and his wife had “separated” into different beds, I continued to date a married man, and she had no idea.

Victims are never perfect. But our imperfections never make us responsible for the abuse.

In the past four years, I moved to California and steadily rebuilt myself. I take self-care seriously, address unpleasant shadows head-on, read psychology books to understand emotional abuse, participate in abuse support groups, actively strengthen my intuition, and prioritize authentic creative expression.

Here are a few lessons I’ve learned:

• Though they abused me for decades, it was not my fault.
• Anyone who shames or belittles my emotions does not love me.
• Abusers will never validate the reality of the abuse.
• Experiencing dark emotions makes me whole, powerful.
• Owning my feelings requires strength; it’s worth it.
• Though I don’t control what happens to me, my power lies in my response.
• If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
• My sense of belonging can never be greater than my level of self-acceptance. (I remind myself often.)
• Though others can help, I alone must care for my needs and desires.
• Experiencing any emotion makes us human; I am never alone.

Healing from emotional abuse

Through nearly a year of trauma therapy, I understand how valuable our emotions are. Yet, decades of dysfunctional relationships (and media portrayals) left a lingering belief that being emotional is weak.

In truth, my anger is what kept me from killing myself. Even though I felt empty, I knew that I would “lose” somehow if I killed myself. People would forget my story, and no one would learn their lesson. Like a Star Wars battle, I couldn’t let evil win. Now I recognize myself as a passionate, visionary, and determined person, an emotional being.

The secret of my near-suicide weighed on me for years. When and how do you tell someone about this? Should I try to forget? Like many others, I felt ashamed of experiencing depression. I felt angry with myself like I failed at the one relationship that matters most. But I forgave myself and committed to protecting my inner child from emotional abuse.

Now my story can help others process their emotions and feel less alone.

I could make this whole article — or a book — about what led me to such a low point when I sat alone with a bottle of pills. I might describe the verbal abuse, like when they called me an “idiot” or “whore,” and how I believed them. Then, they yelled at me, talked over me, and conditioned me to have low self-worth. I could break down trauma bonding, rationalize how the chronic stress f***ed my brain, and how I learned to suppress my emotions.

They primed me for the numerous toxic relationships that followed.

What I’d rather talk about: the abusers targeted me because of how awesome I am. Narcissists don’t use us because we’re pathetic or helpless but because we have so much to offer.

“Narcissists seek from others what they don’t have, such as love, compassion, empathy. They also choose others who are better than them. That’s important to understand when we’re in recovery since they gaslighted us to believe that we’re deficient in some way,” shared Suzanna Quintana, narcissist recovery coach, in response to my narcissist abuse article.

After detaching from abusers, spending nearly a year in depth therapy, and devouring information on abuse, I still struggle with intuition and self-worth. But you have to keep showing up, continue taking responsibility for your healing, and stop expecting anyone else to change.

“If you don’t deal with your demons, they go into the cellar of your soul and lift weights,” said Amanda Palmer. I share this quote often because it’s a message we don’t hear enough. Instead, we’ve advised to: “Man up. Keep a stiff upper lip. Smile.” Suppressing our emotions does not heal trauma; it creates trauma.

Yes, I experienced decades of narcissist abuse, deep depression, and near-suicide, but I don’t feel embarrassed anymore. Though I would never ask for this trauma, these obstacles have made me incredibly grateful and unapologetic of who I am. I developed newfound wisdom, greater awareness, and a deep capacity for love. When you have nothing to lose, some things become crystal clear.

Now I more often see myself clearly as the beautiful, glamorous, original, clever, passionate, persistent, and brilliant person I am. I metabolize the anger I felt towards the abusers — and God — to express and experience my most whole self each day.

“There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself,” — Hannah Gadsby. Yes! Watching her “Nanette” stand-up show, I cried for about 30 minutes. She’s right.

Closing thoughts

If I could communicate one message, it would be this: You are not crazy; you are beautiful, insightful, intelligent, giving, and a bright spirit. Trust yourself.

In the mixed words of Debbie Mirza and Lara Novack, an abuse survivor turned life coach:

• What would it be like to know that you can handle anything that comes your way?
• What would life feel like if you knew you were capable of supporting yourself?
• What would it feel like to know that you are truly good at what you do?
• How would it feel to know that you will always have more than enough money?
• How would it feel to believe you are a great person thoroughly?
• What would life be like if you knew there was nothing wrong with you and so much right with you? (I needed this one.)
• Feeling healed and whole, what would you do, be, or have?

Talking about our deepest fears, scariest moments, and emotional abuse is so important. I believe writing this article is the most meaningful way I could use my time. Though I’m not a “perfect” victim, I have released responsibility for the abuse. I became a survivor and thriver.

Now, I let progress happen slowly with more acceptance; every step is necessary. I practice validating my emotions, recovering intuition, and rebuilding my self-worth. I am a success story.

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