After 14 Years of Relationship Failures, I’m Learning How to Be Me

I am untangling struggles with insecurity, codependency, and people-pleasing to become secure finally.

After a few dates — and sleepovers — I felt like we had an amazing connection. My new love interest, let’s call him Sam, was charming and thoughtful. We laughed together, went hiking, and had great physical chemistry. What we had was magical. Then Sam decided we were moving too fast. He didn’t want to see me anymore.

Here’s how I imagine a secure woman would handle this situation: “Wow, that’s a surprise. I feel really sad. Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m glad you got to be part of my journey.” This imaginary woman then hugs Sam tightly, a meaningful embrace. She sadly smiles as she walks out the door. She feels hopeful. It wasn’t meant to be.

Unlike our imaginary secure woman, I developed an “anxious-insecure” attachment style with a dash of codependency and people-pleasing. Here’s what actually happened:

When Sam shared that he wanted us to break up, I grew incredibly defensive, even childish. I argued, pleaded, pouted, and then sobbed alone in his bedroom when he didn’t back down. Sitting on the floor in my underwear, ugly crying, I felt like my whole world was falling apart. How could he do this to me after I gave him everything? Am I really that pathetic? Am I unlovable?

Sadly, this story is just one of many examples. I have acted immaturely, anxiously, and manipulatively in many romantic relationships. I failed on my journey to love. But I am learning some powerful lessons.

Maybe my story sounds familiar. If you’ve been a people-pleaser, codependent, or struggled with other insecurities, you understand the deep need to be liked and feel good enough.

Many of us grew up in judgmental, dysfunctional childhoods. In response, we developed unhelpful coping mechanisms to survive. Researchers estimate that 40% of people developed an insecure attachment style. Without awareness, we “fail to launch” into healthy relationships. Instead, we hurt and embarrass ourselves repeatedly in the name of love.

Stories of my clinginess, desperation, and childishness used to embarrass me. I wanted to be perfect, and these images weren’t helping. Now I know I was doing the best I could. I can see the humor in these wild situations.

More than anything else, I’ve wanted to be truly seen, as many of you do. I believe sharing our uncomfortable stories heals and connects us. Our imperfections make us human, relatable, and lovable.

After 14 years of relationship mistakes and nearly a year of depth therapy*, I am untangling these dysfunctional patterns. I take steps every day to set boundaries, prioritize my needs, and accept myself more. With awareness, resources, support, and determination, I am becoming a secure person.

Life is much too short to waste our time believing something is wrong with us. As children, we morphed to please others to survive. As independent adults, we can choose differently.

*Depth therapy is an insights-based, Jungian approach to healing and authenticity. Through individuation, you explore your unconscious psyche.

Practice setting boundaries.

At the core, setting boundaries is a self-worth issue. I’ve struggled a lot with self-esteem. Unconsciously, I believed others’ needs and feelings mattered more. I felt scared that setting boundaries would make me seem “high maintenance,” and people would abandon me.

We often don’t set boundaries because we want others to like us. Now I know that liking myself is much more important.

Honoring and protecting my needs and desires starts with me. No one else can set boundaries for me.

This codependency therapist recommends practicing boundary setting regularly. Taking small steps is much better than being vague and hoping the relationship issues go away. “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind,” said Brene Brown. Though setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, honoring your needs is always worth it in the long run.

In one complicated relationship, I’ve been struggling to set boundaries. But with each correspondence, I ask myself what I need in this situation. I remind myself I’m not responsible for someone else’s feelings. The people who truly love me will honor my needs; they will support my growth even when they don’t understand it.

Prioritize being unapologetically me.

As someone who has often shape-shifted to be what people want or need, being authentic is challenging. In the past, I have often fragmented myself to fit in and feel wanted.

I still have these thoughts regularly: Do they like me? Am I good enough to be here? Did I say the right thing? While it’s natural for us to want to feel accepted, we need to find people who like us for who we are rather than who we pretend to be.

At some point, I realized that fragmenting myself has never worked out well. Showing only the parts of yourself that you think someone will like doesn’t help anyone.

Now I check in with myself often: “Who am I being right now?” or “Am I able to relax and be fully myself with this person or these people?” This barometer has been immensely helpful. If I have to change myself to be around someone, it’s not a good situation.

To be fully myself, I have to let go of the expectation that I can control others’ emotions. I have to accept that everyone has the right not to like me. Using the energy I used to pour into being likable, I can enjoy being myself.

I have learned to surround myself with people who respect me and treat me well. Fragmenting ourselves never works out in the long run. We need more people to be unapologetically themselves.

Pour into self-acceptance.

“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance,” said Brene Brown in “Braving the Wilderness.” I’ve noticed the more I accept myself, the more I find people who see me.

At the core of many of my coping mechanisms, I want people to like me. More importantly, I want to love myself.

In the past, I’ve subconsciously attracted people I wanted to help or “fix.” I wanted to be needed, and I thought I could control others to some degree. This approach doesn’t work.

People only know how to show up as themselves. We can’t change them, and we shouldn’t try. Instead, we can release the expectation of controlling their emotions. We can use that energy to accept ourselves more.

I understand why I have these struggles, i.e., codependency runs in the family, I didn’t get enough attention as a child, I never learned to set emotional boundaries. The reality is, I can’t control what happened to me. But I can control how I respond; that’s where my power lies.

Closing thoughts

The truth is, people with insecure attachment styles are not terrible people. We’re strong people who morphed ourselves to survive as children. We can heal those childhood wounds by reparenting ourselves, prioritizing our needs, and honoring our emotions.

Our emotional wounds don’t heal organically. We have to feel through the pain and create new patterns actively.

I’m not “healed” yet. I still want to be liked, crave attention, and sometimes take criticism personally. But through persistence, new tools, depth therapy, self-compassion, and support, I am becoming more me. I understand where my dysfunctions came from, and I am doing the hard work of creating more supportive patterns.

Here are a few things that have become increasingly clear:

• People who genuinely love you will respect your emotions.
• Fragmenting myself for relationships does not work.
• Trying to control other people’s emotions wastes my energy.
• Working to be “perfect” leads to isolation, not connection.
• “Having it all figured out” is not a prerequisite of happiness.
• Setting clear boundaries is an act of compassion.
• Owning my needs makes me strong, not weak.

These changes are easier said than done, but the effort is worth it. We are worth it. Our imperfections bring us closer together; we’re in this together.

As Brene Brown said, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”

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